Fit But You Know It

One of the drawbacks of online dating is that no one is 100% truthful in their profiles. That's a fact everyone can accept as part of the game. However, I'm wondering if there's a pattern to these little white lies.

While it may be a topic deserving of a longer entry, here's my thought of the day: am I incredibly lazy in a fit society, or do most folks (particularly dudes) exaggerate the frequency of their workouts? It seems like a vast majority of the profiles I see are of "very active" men looking for "healthy and fit" ladies. These guys do crossfit, MMA, every ball sport known to man, kickboxing, weightlifting, surfing.... Tires me to think of it, especially when it's hard for me to muster the spirit to do some Zumba.

Are there other trends I haven't noticed yet? Guys, what do girls lie about with the most regularity?

On or Off?

***GUEST POST!!***

Hope y'all enjoy this post from a guest I'm calling the Divine Miss M.

Take care, and HAPPY DATING!

So I signed up for an online dating site because it has been forever since I had a good date. I have a pretty hefty screening process and after almost two weeks of being on the site, met someone in person from the site for drinks. He was cute, took me to drinks and we talked for hours. I was unsure if he was just being nice but he ended up calling me the next day to ask me to dinner.. a place that we had mentioned at drinks and I said I had never been. How cute and thoughtful. We saw each other almost every other day, planned the next date before saying goodbye. We did nice dinners, drinks, movies, and he made me a fantastic dinner at his place. I felt like this guy could be the guy I bring to the two summer weddings I am going to... I felt comfortable enough to invite him over for Easter dinner, and he happily accepted.

However, one night, while he was going downtown (and he had proven himself quite adept), I was a little uncomfortable and wanted him to take it easy. You would have thought I just told him he was the most foul man I ever met. He was so upset that he turned away from me and completely ignored me for a good ten minutes. I tried to comfort him, I tried to play it off. I had no idea what to do. He spent the entire night going back and forth about how he ruined everything and then convincing me that he was fine when I told him I was going to go home.

We seemingly worked it out, but I noticed other things: how nervous he was that I would not like something he did or the food he made or the movie he picked. I felt slightly nervous myself because things were going well but I have a tendency to pick at little things so maybe I was making too big a deal out of his insecurity issues. I decided that we all have issues and we could work through it.

He did not feel the same. We took a little road trip to a place we both wanted to go and on the hour and a half drive home, he told me two things: that he was falling for me and that he could not be my boyfriend because he was not stable enough.

I felt completely heartbroken... and completely trapped in his car for a whole other hour! I cried and tried to tell him that we could work through issues and everyone had insecurities, etc. Apparently, I did not convince him because he dropped me off at my house and parked on the street so as not to disturb the people I live with. Then he told me "not to delete his number". What does that mean? I am not going to be waiting around for his phone call even though he's insisting that he is crazy about me and just has to work on himself. Though, it is impossible not to think I failed somewhere along the line here. How did we go from truly clicking in every sense of the word to a complete disaster where I walked down the street in the pouring rain to my house in a dress that was supposed to get me LUCKY, and not dumped!?

Now, I will never experience fondue the same way again, and I cannot wear that dress again without thinking how sad that night was.

So, now I just wonder how long does it take to "fix yourself"?

Shitting Where You Eat: A Guide To Dating Your Neighbor With Dignity And Grace

1. Meet neighbor.


2. Run into neighbor again.


3. Have a long conversation with neighbor.


4. Go out to lunch.


5. Run into neighbor again.


6. Go out to bar.


7. Make out on sidewalk.


8. Date.


9. Decide dating neighbor is bad idea.


10. Become friends.


11. Go out to lunch. As friends.


12. Drink bottle of wine with neighbor.


13. Have sex with neighbor.


14. See neighbor escorting a girl out of his apartment at 9am on a Sunday.


15. Cry on neighbor's couch for 3 hours.


16. Ask him to cat-sit the following weekend.


17. Avoid neighbor.


18. Run into neighbor. Limit conversation to discussion of SSRIs and cats.


19. Avoid neighbor.


20. Give neighbor a basket full of whiskey and candy as a "thank you" for cat-sitting.


21. Avoid neighbor.


22. Move.

Callbacks

After the breakup of my last ill-fated relationship, I decided to hide out for a bit. This, dear reader, is why I was home on a Saturday night to receive his call. I HAVE to share, because of all of the "callbacks" I have EVER gotten, this one is the most interesting.

He called because I "am the only sane person that he knows" and he had to talk to somebody. He just broke it off with the girl he started seeing right after I broke up with him. He had JUST left a bar where he had dumped her and during his walk home, he told me what a mess she was and all that sort of garbage. He got to his house and was smoking on his porch when he quickly told me that she was there at his house and he had to go, but that he would call me back in a few.

I texted him "Do you need me to call the police?" jokingly after about a half hour. He said no, that the police were already there and that he was watching her get arrested.

So, he calls me back and goes on and on about how she was crazy and had a drug problem and drank too much. I remained silent and smirking. I AM so much better than that and was SO GLAD that I was over him. He was slurping down scotch while he was talking. Then came the big pause: "I have something I have to tell you and you're not going to like it."

Right after I broke up with him, he called an escort service. He was dating the girl from the escort service.

That's right: not a stripper or a topless waitress, he went directly to dating a whore. A whore with two kids. He kept talking. She was addicted to crack. In the first month of dating, they had ALREADY had a pregnancy scare. She was arrested in front of his house for drunk driving... with her three-year-old daughter in the back car seat...driving the wrong way on a one-way street. She had a key to his house. She said that she loved him. That was why he babysat her kids while she went off on tricks. Oh... and she was "really, really hot".

Did I have to explain that she was playing him for his money? Yes. Twice. "Trip" had never, apparently, actually met a whore before and must have missed all of the movies and books where the whore plays the rich guy for his money. He asked me what he should do. If he should break it off.

"It depends on how much drama you want in your life. If you want a psychotic crack hoe having your baby and really want to pay her monthly for the next 18 years, I'd say no. You should stay with her for a while. It will be very exciting... like watching COPS. If you don't want a crack baby, I'd say that you should change your locks tomorrow morning and never talk to her again."

He ask me if I'd go to drinks with him the next night. I politely declined. He changed his locks and is shopping for a psychiatrist.