Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Open Letter to the Love/Hate Boyfriend

Dude -

Though I'm not given to quoting our 43rd president, what was that quote that W mangled once? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Didn't he add an "aw, fuck it" on the end? That's the part I can't get right. "Fuck it, and fuck you." I say it, and I think it, and I never believe it.

You got me. Damn you, you got me. I haven't felt like this about someone in... 10 years? Since my first love. And what kills me is that I'm afraid I love you. It should turn my stomach to write that, but I kinda tear up instead. You, who I only spent one night with, though I remember every second of it. You, who's so charming and handsome. You, who can take my shit and give it right back. You, who has run off how many times now?

Some days I hate you. I'll scan across your number in my phone's contacts, and my blood boils. I raise my finger to delete your information... but I never do. An old conversation or picture will pop up and I want to write you letters about my hatred and loathing for you... but I don't. Because I don't hate you. And I want you around. But goddammit do I hate you and want you out of my life.

You make me act irrationally. Do you know how much that sucks? Me, who chooses brains over guts 100% of the time, who maps out her life in Excel spreadsheets, who can't hold a grudge because they just don't make good sense, and who gets panicky if she thinks she screwed something up. Did I screw you up? Not you, really, but what we could have had? I know I didn't, but I still can't figure out what happened, and it makes me crazy.

That leaves it up to you. For whatever reason, you can't handle this situation, or you can't handle me. I know I haven't screwed up because dammit, you keep coming back. You feel this, too - you've told me that much. But you just can't deal. Maybe you need to figure out how to be vulnerable enough to be a real man, or maybe you need to find spine enough to deal with your own shit before you can be with someone. I certainly don't know what it is, and I can't pretend to.

So, from now on, I will let my tiny little torch burn for you, and I will leave it at that. I won't try to stifle it, but I won't let you share it. I'll figure out how to embrace this twisted, sick, amazing feeling that I have for you, but I won't embrace you. I won't stroke your ego. I won't validate your feelings. I won't beg you to talk to me. I won't expect anything from you. But I know that you'll be back. I know that one day, you'll try again. You probably won't have gotten your act together, but if you fail that time, I'm willing to bet you'll try yet again. And one day, you'll have put yourself together and screwed your head on straight and learned how to be a man. Then, and only then, can we really do this.

Until then, though, fuck you.

-Me

30 comments:

K-Dawg said...

Oh I hear you. This is how I was feeling about my current dude for YEARS... and I mean YEARS. That love/ hate thing is so torturous because it feels like it'll never just peace the hell out. But, do yourself a favor and find a lovely replacement. It gets easier with time. And someone to ease the pain of the back and forth crap. Good luck!

Online Superdater said...

I know this relationship... this is the one that's like crack- you know it's bad for you, yet you can't stop coming back for more. The less it's around, the more you want it, and vice versa.

Things will either end in flames or in blissful harmony. My sensible side hopes it's the latter... but the side that craves entertainment wouldn't mind the former.

Best of luck.

SaneAndSingle said...

Oh wow. I love this! It is all I've wanted to say to a couple different people!

zafar iqbal said...

well,
sometimes you hate your love,but most of the time you love .

andrea said...

Ugh. I totally know what you mean. I've been having this feeling since we broke up...6 months ago and I think he *finally* has left me alone. And now what? I miss him. I've always missed him. Even if the texts were mean, and pathetic and accusatory and he'd make plans and suddenly decide he's mad at me on not follow up...I still fucking miss him.

I, however, will not let him back in...he treated me badly. It was never as good as it could have been and I have to remember that. I, with time, hope to find a replacement as K-Dawg advised.

Good luck!

simplysolo said...

What a great post. So many of us have felt these same things and it's so hard to get out of this cycle. One of my best friends is going through this, but her fuck you stages are too short and too far between. Most of the time, she lets him use and abuse her (not physical abuse, but emotional). All in the name of love. You have to find a way to get out of this cycle....you deserve someone who gives you 100% of themself!

Anonymous said...

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I pray some others may well think similar to us all! Carry on the excellent reports I am browsing your site now ; )

tenzinandrio said...

This is a human thing, not a girl/guy thing. I'm at the front end of one of these, and am trying like hell to let go and break the cycle early, before I get REALLY fucked up about it. One of the problems is that sex with this woman is the best I've ever had. Not just physically, but physically and emotionally and...sigh...I guess spiritually too. But everything else, and I mean pretty much everything, is dysfunctional and the relationship will only bring suffering.

So, I'm trying to forget the memories and remember that there are other exciting and vivacious women out there who can actually hold down their end of the deal in a relationship.

Kim said...

Love it! Intense! Don't you think that experiences like that makes us grow though?

Anonymous said...

This is so me.... for way too many years and though I pretend to go on and haven't spoken to him in years, there isn't a day goes by that I don't think about him and miss him. It sucks. He deosn't deserve me, yet I can't let go!

Frenchie said...

Thanks, y'all. I certainly didn't mean to imply that it was a girl versus guy thing - I know it happens to all of us. I just hope that we can all figure out how to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

Darren Millert said...

This is a topic very close to my girlfriend's heart. In fact, I received a few of these kinds of letters in my inbox from her, so I asked her for her opinion and to write her story. Here it is:

My boyfriend and I got together 2.5 years ago. At first, neither of us wanted anything serious.

However, after a couple months, our feelings began to change and we were almost inseparable. It was great for almost a year but then he moved away for work and he became very focused on his job.

He was determined to be successful which caused him to push me away a bit. He rarely called me or spoke to me, he never made the effort to travel the hour train journey to see me, yet I didn't want to give up on the relationship.

I didn't know why. I just knew that no matter how much hurt he was causing me, no matter how many tears I cried for him, I was going to fight for the relationship. I loved him.

But, after 8 months of fighting, I was exhausted and began to run out of strength. It had a huge impact on my life. I would cry most days. I would text him, leave him voicemails, email him.

I just wanted to be included in his life. I understood that his job took a lot of his time but I only wanted a 10 minute phone call every day to catch up with each other.

I would have given anything to hear his voice, but he had stopped all contact with me and his family too. I didn't even know if he was alive. I couldn't cope anymore. I had to end it.

I was devastated, but i couldn't live like that any longer. Not one day passed that I didn't think about him, that I didn't wish I had answers. What did I do wrong?

I tried to move on by dating someone else, but my heart wasn't in it. It was never going to work. I just could not get over my ex and not knowing what happened to the relationship.

Then, after 4 months apart, the love of my life got back in touch. He had quit his job and wanted to start over.

At first, I had doubts. He hurt me more than I had ever been hurt before and part of me still, to this day, will never forgive him for how he treated me.

I had a dilemma. Should I get back with him and risk it all happening again? In the end I decided that he deserved a second chance. Six months later, we have the best relationship I could ask for.

I do worry that he will abandon me again, but there will be no more chances. I will always love this man, but I will never let myself be treated that way again.

Deals of the Day said...

I feel your pain. I think when you down that kind of road you get thick skin and grow. Excellent post!

Anonymous said...

Um... Sounds like he's just looking for an easy lay, and you're it. It happens to a lot of girls, as your comments illustrate, so don't feel bad. Just don't let your ego get in the way of the truth: You were just a hole, he can do better than you if he wants to settle down, so he'll keep up the charade as long as you keep fellating him.

Sunny Match said...

LOL your brutally straight up - i like it!

bigP said...

Cool article

Claudia said...

I pictured myself writing this post. lol. This is how I felt for my ex. He used to break my heart, apologize, and I keep forgiving him. That was until I realized I couldn't handle the hurt and pain he keeps bringing to my quiet little life. To think I didn't do anything for him to treat me that way. Yes, I am Ms. Goody Two Shoes. Anyway, the last time he broke my heart, I refused to have any contact with him. I deleted his number from my phone, disregarded his calls and texts. Eventually he got tired of trying to reach out to me. I am now with a new guy. We'll be having our 3rd anniversary in October. An I couldn't be any happier. I hope you find the guy who treats you like a queen :) You deserve it! :D

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

ARGH! I KNOW THIS FEELING. IT'S SLIGHTLY DISHEVELED TOUGH LOVE TIME! Anonymous was right... if he wanted you, you're right there for him. Obviously, he doesn't want you. It's not a bad time for him, it's not his emotional state. If he wanted you he could just stride into your life and say it ...and you've been quite clear about THAT with him. I was in one of these off-and-on for 18 YEARS, and I can honestly say that you DON'T DESERVE better than him until YOU find a way to break this cycle. You are telling yourself is that you want (and therefore deserve) is him, based on (your) memory of when you were an actual consideration of his. Maybe you could be dating some other dreamy guy who treats you like you're a princess, but until you rid yourself of this manipulative fucktard no one else will be able to get in to your emotions, and you'll always end up lonely, even in crowds of men. YOU are doing this to YOURSELF... he's not doing a damn thing. Now, STOP being angry at him, you're still granting him WAY too much power over you. Remember that you always deserve what you want and go want something else, because you're getting what you deserve right now and it's obviously not working for you. Three psychiatrists and four therapists later, I can tell you that I purchased this knowledge honestly, but the real price of this realization was 14 years of my life. STOP IT and GO WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

Mel said...

Digging your blog! I was looking for other bloggers with dating sites and I came across yours. You are right on the nose.

-Mel (www.dubiousdating.com)

AugustGem said...

Being aware is a step in the right direction. Following through is the hardest part but the most rewarding in retrospect

hackneygirl said...

Argh!!! I'm going through exactly this right now! Thank you for putting it into words.

Anonymous said...

this..... is amazing
everything that has gone in this letter has happened to me. but what can you do? you see their name and your blood boils but on the inside you still know that you can't hate them

you put my words into this post but so much more poetically.

thankyou and goodluck! :D

H

Elle said...

Yep. I've definitely been there! :-)

Tory said...

This is just ftw. I hate that we can't choose who we love. I wouldn't have chosen the guy I just haven't been able to get out of my head for the last 4 months. I haven't talked to him for a month now and I miss him desperately, pathetically. I hate that. But as you said I'm not going to "share it" with him. I'm not going to call/text/email. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's in my head every fucking second of every fucking day. I won't be just another girl that throws herself at him and takes his bs whenever he sends a smile her way. If he can't get his shit straight then fuck him.

Emma Meadows said...

Oh yes! Two years of my life 'wasted' on a bloke like that. All the time believing he was the one for me. I told him to piss off eight times during that time before he finally did the right thing and leave me alone. He left me screwed up and broken. Only after six-eight months of no contact did I finally start smiling and living again. It really was like overcoming a distructive addiction.

Sorry, but with hindsight, anyone who does that to you,me, whoever is a twat! *apologies but sometimes only certain words will do!*

Cold turkey is the only way ;) xx

Rose said...

I so get this. It's an addiction thing. My dude's mistake was telling me we couldn't break the habit - no one tells ME what I can't do, and I haven't seen him since.

ask away said...

The letter are the greatest thing that has ever existed, and although many people do not use to me are charming. Hardly keep a romance that they can be removed otherwise.

Brody said...

Wow. I can relate to this in some strange way. She should definitely move on and start meeting other people! You can't change someone and even hoping that that might happen someday is a losing battle.

Anonymous said...

Oh gods, this letter was both me and my boyfriend earlier this year. He broke up with me because he wasn't sure about his feelings... but neither of us could live without the other. I hated him, but I loved him too.

Those were, to put it mildly, a stressful few months. We both had some serious breakdowns - and I know about his because neither of us could bear to stay out of contact, even though that was obviously the best thing to do. There was a happy ending, though - I got the therapy I needed to deal with it and my pre-existing issues, he sorted out his emotional kit, and now we're happily back together.

lovekatetaylor said...

You feel like this after just *one* night together? Man, he must be G O O D. :)

I know this whole relationship. It was you telling him how you'd be perfect together, he was sorta agreeing and being charming and complimentary, but still coming up with reasons why it couldn't happen. Then one night, between girlfriends, he caved in and shagged you, and now you're left feeling it MeAnT SoMeThInG. It only meant he was horny. :(

Please, please work on your boundaries. You've fallen for the man you made him out to be, not the man he really is. You don't KNOW the man he is! You couldn't, after just one night.

I hope you feel better now.