Thursday, June 12, 2008

I Can't Believe She Farted.

We had the drinks and the heart to heart. We laughed. Our thighs touched under the table. Our gaze went uninterrupted. I made an awkward comment about cunnilingus and it got weird for a second, but I recovered. We even had the STD inquiry. I'm horny (what's new) and I have a boner (again, nothing new.) It's 1:30 am.

We head to her friend's boyfriend's apartment.

I turn on XBox 360 and throw in "Blow." George Jung is a badass. An imprisoned badass but a badass nonetheless. I stumble back to the couch. I'm buzzed. 5 out of 10. I think about what's to come. I open another beer and picture my accomplice as a stewardess. George must have gotten hella pussy. It's 2:35 am.

We touch. I feel guilty about being on her friend's boyfriend's couch buttass naked and then I touch her boob. My worries disappear. I'm still concerned about my man-sweat (and worse) getting on her friend's boyfriend's couch, but whatever. I mean, boobs, right? It's 4:35 am.

Catch the math? We've been fooling around for 3 solid hours. I already selected "Play Movie" again. I am now hearing Johnny Depp's character deteriorate rapidly for a second time in the last 180 minutes. His life is not nearly as badass the second time around. It sounds like it sucked actually. It sounds like my night feels.

While I enjoy fooling around as much as the next guy, I don't enjoy 3 hours of it at 5:35 am. My weiner is sore. I'm tired. I'm either gonna cum or just pass out. I don't get a chance to do either.

My arms are falling asleep so I reposition myself. I know what you're thinking and yes, I'm licking her labia. I am tantalizing her taint. I am rummaging her rim. She farts. Like man farts. Like "PLOOMF" in my face.

I'm not grossed out. Not yet. No, I'm straight up offended. A fucking fart? Really? In my face?

She apologizes. She looks me in the eyes, the same eyes she just farted into and says she's sorry. This did not help.

It's too late. I think my penis has actually burrowed into my own stomach out of repulsion. It's over. The night was done.

I made a snide comment about her needing to wear more deodorant. (She actually smelled great...my feelings were hurt) I get dressed, grab my shoes and leave.

The next day her Facebook status read "Sometimes it happens." I messaged her "sometimes I masturbate while listening to Prince and I kept that from happening last night...what's your excuse?" She didn't reply.

I have a feeling things are over between us.

26 comments:

evelynnash said...

So you're saying that if she'd played it off legit and acted like she meant to fart instead of apologising, you would've been like, "Sex-AY!" and kept it up?

Serial Monogamist said...

"I made a snide comment about her needing to wear more deodorant. (She actually smelled great...my feelings were hurt) I get dressed, grab my shoes and leave."

That and the facebook note? Wow. Really, wow. Because your feelings were hurt? Over a fart?

I'm glad I never had the misfortune of accidentally letting one go after a guy diddles around with my parts for three hours, but I'm doubly glad I never ended up in the sack, er, couch, with such a childish ass.

I'm thinking that it was a preemptive fart. She may not have known you'd be a tool, but her ass did.

SGLoughlin said...

Are you kidding me? You fart in my face while I'm going down on you and you better fucking believe I'm going to be a childish ass about it. Like childish to the point of writing notes about you behind your back and ass enough to give them to you too.

Fuck that.

Serial Monogamist said...

But three hours later? You'd a had me finished off and pouring you a glass of wine by that point. Or I'd be returning the favor with my ass pointed safely away, right?

C'mon.

Altho, maybe she coulda excused herself when she felt one coming on ...

I dunno. Controversial!

itinerantwoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SGLoughlin said...

Hmmmm. Good point itinerantwoman, good point.

I may have to take a lesson from undisclosed face farter and pull that move out during unproductive cunnilingus.

Kindra said...

Dude! it's a fucking queef not a fart...definition: Slang term describing a discharge of air from the vagina, sounding like flatulence. Pussy fart.

duh!

max said...

dear kindra, i know what a queef is. a queef this was not. i witnessed this event. with my eyes. with my soul. my now soiled fart soul. i appreciate your concern, duh

Kindra said...

haha...I stand corrected...well at least you now know the standardized definition of queef (according to the wikipedia or some similar source). and I apologize for the "duh," I didn't realize you are actually suffering post-traumatic stress from this incident. :)

Jane Doe said...

this story is hilarious. im still laughing. hope you don't mind if i share. lol

Anonymous said...

Get over it. So she is human, it isn't like she would intend to fart in your face, unless you were that bad.

Anonymous said...

One time that happened to me but in a different way. I was with a guy and we were switching positions. I went from a squatting position to being laid out on my bed with my legs in the air. (we were doing the backdoor kind BTY) I got air trapped up inside me in the process, which I couldn't physically control, and it came out. Yup... a lot too. For the record I would never in a million years intentionally fart in front of a guy. I have never even done that in front of my own brother, but it happened that night. Girls as well as some guys reading this might have had this experience and can attest to the fact that you just can't control this type of fart. Its embarrassing, but it ends up being part of the process, especially when you're letting him in your bottom.

knobsworth said...

haha .. holy fuck thats funny .. i'd laugh and read a bit more and read something else funnier .. haha

but i digress. fart or no fart that pussy would of been turned inside out had it been me .. i'm a horny bastard tho .. some dudes think going down on a girl is gross .. me, i don't give a fuck ..

still, funny ass story ..

Fred said...

I'll try and put myself in your place, probably I'll just start laughing and for sure go get some fresh air.

But, it is a natural process and probably you got her to that point of excitement that she couldn't control it, who knows.

online dating help said...

Lol that Prince line is hysterical.. A girl farting is not cool unless you have known her for at least 2 months!

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Anonymous said...

I would've sniffed it in and continued rimming her

Jona said...

I have a feeling you're an asshole.

Anonymous said...

Completely agree with Serial Monogamist.

She clearly didn't intend to fart on your face as you were going down on her as can be deduced from her apology. Also, you are not the first guy who has been farted on. She was right - it happens. The more mature and considerate thing to have done is to have made her feel better about it and move on. Maybe a little awkward laugh so she wouldn't feel so embarrassed? Your blog is called "Dating is Weird" - yes, it's "weird" and perhaps unsuccessful to immature and insensitive individuals who take offense at their girlfriend accidentally farting during sex.

What's funny is that you already come off as a douche canoe with your reaction (making a comment about her needing to wear more deodorant and just leaving). Yet, to top it off, you share with us your message to her on FB. "What's your excuse?"... for accidentally passing air?? WTF? Shit happens. Get the fuck over yourself. Laugh. Move on.

Anonymous said...

4 hours of making out and messing around? What are you, twelve?

Anonymous said...

If she can fart in you face on a first date!
What would she have let you done to her on a second date!
You fool!
There could of been months of emotional black male and doing what ever popped into that little brain of yours

Anonymous said...

Are you really that much of a fucking retard? A fart... A FART and you leave the room, If I girl farted in my face and she said sorry like that I'd be fine with it, I wouldn't continue but I'd still hug her and try not to make her super embarrassed and sad.. Your such a dick..

Anonymous said...

I farted on a girl who was rimming me in the shower. It was intentional. The plan was to keep a straight face as if nothing happened but I burst out laughing n carried on laughing for ages it still chuckles me when I think of it now.

Anonymous said...

I was farted on by a girl while riding me (we'd been dating for some time). She said "excuse me" but didn't even break stride. I laughed and said "Hold on! You're not getting off that easy. This is a 'moment'. One of those milestones you hear about. I think we need to take a moment and reflect on this". She was embarrassed, but couldn't stop laughing.

Anonymous said...

Hmm... fish w/ a little fart - probably would have given me a reversal. unless there were chunks or bits flying in my face, I wouldn't have added an insult on top of it. It's just a mood killer. When you're pumping away however (either hole) it's just like blowing up an air mattress just part of the process to get a little pressure reliever here and there, just keep at it. For you it was karma since she had a boyfriend already.

Nate said...

I'm sorry, but i have to agree with SGLoughlin... If you're a guy and going to work "don there." There is absolutely no bigger turn off than a girl farting. But in your face too?? That's just adding insult to injury.