Thursday, October 23, 2008

Inadvertent Golden Shower

**Editors' Note: Holy wow. This guest post from "Pissed On But Not Pissed Off" had us crying and begging for it to stop it was too funny. Thanks POBNPO!**

I showed up with a six pack of microbrew in bottles. She handed me a can of Milwaukee's Best. I sat down to watch some mindless television and make small talk. Her friends were bringing the ping pong table up from the basement. It was obvious from the start that it was going to be one of those nights. I hadn't anticipated drinking games or drunken debauchery, but I love drinking games and drunken debauchery so fuck yeah.

We played asshole and hockey, fuck the dealer and 99. We even played one of my favorites for a round or two..."drink your beer moderately fast while laughing." It's this great game where you just drink beer and if you finish your beer, you get another one. (Everybody wins, minus that guy who starts telling everyone how sorry he is at 3 a.m. and you're all "dammit, my great game put him over the edge!? would someone put this tard in a sleeper hold and call it a night?") Anyway, I digress.

We started early so by midnight everyone was pretty smashed. No one was losing their lunch or anything, but someone was singing Bon Jovi way too loud getting all the words mixed up and I was getting fishing tips from a guy who wasn't too sure that he was even talking to anybody...you get the picture.

My quasi-girlfriend grabbed me by hand, while joe fisherman was rambling about muskies and lunkers, and started off towards her bedroom. While I didn't know that this night was going to include massive drinking and plenty of rowdiness, I did know I'd end up in a bed with this particular lady.

Short tangent: This woman and I have been seeing each other for about a month. At the time of this party we were exclusive...I think. But that's for a different story. The point is that this wasn't just a random hookup, but it was definitely taking place in the honeymoon phase so it was still extremely lustfully charged. Plus we were loaded.

We started the make out-wrestling that drunk horny people do and it escalated from there. She mentioned something regarding shedding her uterine wall and that while we did play "drink your beer moderately fast while laughing" we weren't going to play "inny-outy uppy-downy". This was fine by me. We rolled around a little more, settled into position, and drifted off to sleep. (I must include here that she doesn't usually drink beer. She's the vodka crangrapeorangefruitsugary drink type, but that night she consumed about 7 beers. keep that in mind. That plus she had had a very long week and was already exhausted. I on the other hand love beer, I might even marry it someday.) Anyway...

I woke up at about 4 am and I was freezing. I reached for more blanket only to discover that I was fully covered. I was covered by more than a blanket. I was soaking wet. A twang of panic rang in my gut. I checked myself to make sure I hadn't vomited, came to the conclusion that, in fact, I had not vomited, and turned to my partner in crime to make sure she was okay. I gently shook her awake and asked her how she was doing. She said she was fine and told me to go back to bed. What she didn't understand at the time is this: If I wake up in the middle of the night and I am soaking wet, I cannot just go back to sleep. Maybe it's just me, but excessive wetness in bed is never a good thing.

Then it hit me.

It was very faint, like an outdoor fart, but it was there. I smelled urine. I had my underwear on and it was dry. I was safe. I was also laying on a pee soaked mattress covered by a sopping blanket. Needless to say that while I was relieved it was not me who peed, I was not in love with the fact that she had relieved herself next to me. (When I say 'next to me' it is an understatement. I wouldn't have been surprised if she told me the next day that she had peed directly onto me.) I got up, grabbed a couple towels and a dry blanket, laughed a little to myself, and laid back down. It was 4 am and, although it seemed like someone dumped a gallon of milk on top of us while we slept, I was still super tired and a little drunk. I fell back asleep.

I woke up in the morning and she was gone. She had to work at 8. She had gotten a few more towels and covered me with a new blanket in the morning so I knew she knew that I knew that she knew. We haven't talked about it since.

I would like some sound advice from anyone and everyone. What do I do? The fact is that I don't really care at all. I understand these things happen, but I'm guessing she's extremely embarrassed and I don't want her to feel bad. Do I keep my mouth shut? Should I tell her in a non confrontational way that it was no big deal? Should I let some time pass and then make it a little joke? For now I'm not saying anything. We're going for a run tonight and it doesn't seem like it will be weird. Then again, last time we hung out I didn't think it was going to be weird and I ended up taking an inadvertent golden shower.

7 comments:

dkgoodman said...

Piss happens. :)

If you can just let it go, I'm sure you both will be happier. Most women have learned or will learn to accept bodily fluids as an unavoidable fact of life. You discover this when taking care of babies and the elderly, if not before.

Don't bring it up, and if she does, just laugh and be casual. There are worse things to wake up to. ;)

LaMo said...

Next time you all are drinking heavily be sure she relieves herself BEFORE getting into bed for the night.
I agree with DKG, though. Having never been in that position before, I think I'd want to just ignore it, at least for a little while.
Miss DIW administrator, do you have anything to add on the topic?

Serial Monogamist said...

What a NICE guy. Seriously. Awesome that you're not pissed off. (Ug.) I, on the other hand, am not so nice.

Last time someone pissed the bed on me, I freaked out and threatened to leave him. Two weeks later, he phantom peed on his computer. At least it wasn't on me, right?

The best! Though, was the girl at a party, passed out on a couch, who stood up, swiped the beers off of the coffee table with her arm, turned and dropped trow, sat on the coffee table, pissed, then fell asleep with her head on her hands, and elbows resting on her knees. In a puddle of piss.

I saw that with my own eyes.

Oh, but for your question, do bring it up, or she'll be waiting in fear.

Anonymous said...

"phantom peed on his computer"...

What does that mean??

Serial Monogamist said...

A "phantom pee" is when you get out of bed and think you're in a bathroom.

In this instance, he got out of bed, walked over the the computer desk, whipped it out, and peed all over the computer. It wasn't until I woke up, heard it and shouted, "What are you doing!" that he awoke from his drunken dreamstate and realized that he was not standing over a urinal, but was, in fact, in his bedroom. Phantom peeing on his computer.

Luck be a lady said...

An eye for an eye. It's her turn.

Robert Wiesenberg said...

First of All I too have to cheer you for being such a trooper!! Nothing is better for a dose of reality then physical exhaustion or immobilization confronting the obvious discomfort of being in the freezing cold cause your waking up in the rain or.. half conscious in a puddle.

I agree with everyone that it's not that big of a deal beyond the funny anecdote for the internet or something later in life. If you have children or an aging parent your going to confront this situation either way so kudos for hitting your stride early.

Now if your finding yourself on Golden Shower porn sites and unable to find satisfaction without that extra bit of wetness.. well then that's your thing then..

Anyways,
I was going down on a girlfriend many years ago and as she relaxed into her moment I got about a teaspoon of "hello" right on the forehead.. She too had had to go to the bathroom before the passion started creeping in!!

While I would have loved a picture of my face following that moment. When Allie shot up and scared out of her mind said.. " OMG Should I leave?" I think that moment of bodily fluid reality kinda sinks in..

I'd just let it go as well unless your suave enough to make a joke out of it in the future.. But you better be suave..