Friday, June 11, 2010

Mormon Soaking

I really really wish what I was about to say was made up. Really, I do because I like Mormons. I was unsure what it would be like to live in the Mormon mecca, aka Salt Lake City, but since moving here I'm very pleasantly surprised and happy to report that it's not as weird as you may think.

Mind you, not as is not to say not at all. There's these funny little things like having to buy real beer (more than 3.2% alcohol) at a state liquor store, everyone is married with children even if they're significantly younger than me, and there's a rather schizophrenic personality to the citizens: you're either Mo-Mo and happy-go-lucky or you ain't and you're damn fucking proud of it.

I digress. Mormon soaking.

So here it is: because Mormons are against pre-marital sex, many of the "good" Mormons make it to their twenties as virgins. Heaven help them, they're hell bent on staying a virigin. But...we all know sex feels really really good. Add to it that it's forbidden and now you have a group of hormonally-saturated, unfulfilled virginal, twenty-something-year-olds going off to college, namely Brigham Young University.

See where this is going? How do you have sex without having sex?

You have "soaking," that is, you put your dick in her vagina but you don't move. Not even a single pump, rub, wiggle or jiggle. Nothing. You just lay there, soaking.

Like I said, I wish I was making this up.

I can't in good faith say I've ever experienced this phenomenon first hand because I'm A) not a BYU graduate and B) not fucking retarded. But, I have it from good sources (a few "Jack Mormons," also known as Mormons who were born and raised but no longer practicing, as well as an ex-communicated one).

There you have it folks. The solution to every religious believer's ultimate dilemna: how do you have sex without having sex. Mormon soaking.

90 comments:

Serial Monogamist said...

AMAZING. How is it that these douchecanoes convince each other that they're still virgins with vaginal penetration? I mean, I've heard of saddlebacking, in which good Christian girls take it up the ass to preserve their "virginity" (although, honey, if you're getting fucked in the ass, you're still getting FUCKED), but this?!

Insanity. Inanity. Hilarity.

On another note: Mormons, as unique humans, are generally delightful. They're so, so nice. And as communities, communities who take care of each other when someone's down and out, they're all-stars. But as a unit they suck. Prop 8 anyone?

Amanda said...

First...that's really interesting. Second...sex is supposed to feel good? Never felt good for me. Oy. I should date a mormon and just soak.

Serial Monogamist said...

Amanda! No! Please be joking. Tried lube?

Ack. That comment hurts my soul.

Ella said...

Haha I went to a conservative school where you had to sign an agreement not to have sex before marriage and I haven't even heard of that one. Wow.

Margosoriginals said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Victoria Jones said...

amanda, you poor girl!! you should really spend some time with yourself and find out what makes you tick (so to speak) and share that with a partner. maybe that'll help you make sex feel good or even really really good... !

Anonymous said...

okay, you're not fuckin retarded, but maybe a tad bit gullible?

bill clinton put it best...."it depends on your definition of sex."

Oh....you left out the part where you're supposed to hold your breath for the duration.

dating diva said...

wth?!? I have NEVER heard of this! Sounds like a bad idea.

-Delilah

FabuLeslie said...

Ok. I feel like this can't be true, but you're saying it is true, so I'm very conflicted now because I've known you for a very long time (like a few weeks) and by "known you" I mean, have read your blog, so how could I possibly not trust you about something so important. If what you speak of truly exists, it is downright sad. No, pathetic. No, ridiculous. Ok, I don't know what it is, but it makes me sad in so many ways. And I will stop there. Wow. I have no words.

Queenie said...

Wow! Is this 'societies' version (virgin) haha of "just the tip"? Let's play a litle game called, "just the tip". Seriously, Mormon soaking? How does stickin the winky in the stinky justify 'not having sex'? So delusional, so off the wall, I love it. Like the previous comment, I've known girls that would take it up the butt and still proclaim to be the 'good virgin'.

Look, in my opinion, if you are sticking anything with a pulse up in any holes, you are no longer a virgin, the hole of the booty and the hole of the va-j-j. People are funny beings, we'll tweak and work our way around a situation and bend it a little to where it makes us sleep a little better at night. All this talk about soaking has got me hot and bothered, I think I'll go soak up some sun...or a Mormon, if I can find one! :)

Edwin said...

Sweet fanciful McGillicuddy, that's ridiculous. What the hell happens when they're soaking if they're not busy screwing? Do they read the paper?

Matthew said...

Wow! Never heard of soaking before, but it doesn't surprise me. There was a significant outbreak of anal gonorrhea in Utah county several years ago. (Think of Colorado Springs, but in Utah and Mormon instead of evangelical and you have a pretty good idea of the attitudes and culture). Apparently anal sex isn't sex and the poor girls never received any information about the need to prevent STDs.

Agent 11 said...

Wow. Wow. I guess I never thought about Mormons being so serious about it. I guess I've been lucky with the one "fallen-away" Mormon girl I dated.

sharon said...

I enjoyed reading your blog, very good stuffs.

Jazz Stanton (The Date Experiment) said...

Ummmm. That's just weird. I think it would be extra funny to ask someone I'm dating if they want to "soak". "I'm not ready to have sex but we can soak?" I would never hear from them again. Either that, or he would agree to it and then try to talk me into it while he is "soaking". OMG, too funny...

Your blog is hilarious, by the way just ran across it today. I will be following!

blind dater said...

Wow This is Crazy! lol
soaking?? lol this is too funny lol!! I can't stop laughing!!

joel said...

Lol!

Hilarious stuff.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I'm not saying that this does not happen, but those who fall away from an affiliation, and are no longer practicing members, are usually the ones who are the most untruthful and despiteful about what truly goes on. For example, I know of two family members of a friend who will say anything to damage the image of the Mormon church regardless of its truth. I don't know how much cred I would give to your sources. Second of all, if it is true, are you really that surprised??? This world is a shitshow of messed up people. In my opinion, 99.9% of the Mormons I have met are great people. Every organization is going to have a freakshow in its midst. You should throw out some positive research as well if you are going to exploit the negative. :) thats all

Anonymous said...

i think i read about that yesterday on nyt

Anonymous said...

Dry humping might be a commen practice in Utah, but soaking is definitely not. You are VERY gullible.

Jennie said...

Ok, I am a non-practicing Mormon and I have NEVER heard of this. I think this is one of those urban legends that are so fun to tell about Mo's.

Anonymous said...

I am a Mormon. Born and raised in SLC. 25yr old female, married for 5 years, no children yet. So ya, there are Mormons in SLC who don't have kids yet. Also, I've never EVER heard of soaking. Stupid!!

Shawn said...

As a person in my early twenties, my take on this is that it's essentially the Mormon version of "just the tip." "Let's just soak, it'll be okay, no big deal," and then pow, you're having good ol' thrust-filled sex. I don't believe that anyone just "soaks" for a second.

Anonymous said...

even if your doing the socalled (mormon soaking) if you get each other aroused by kissing or touching a little in the right places, you should, if your good enough, get each other off then you can blow your load all up in there and both be very happy.

Anonymous said...

This is total bullshit. I was raised mormon my whole life, went on a mission even. I've since left the church entirely and have nothing to do with it. But this "soaking" rumor is straight up bullshit. If such a thing did exist I would have known about it years ago.

Sounds like something funny, but sorry guys, it's just not true.

freetv said...

ummm bad idea? its a nuckin futs idea!

Anonymous said...

This happened to me when I lived out there - with the 1st counselor of the Stake's Young Women's group, no less.

I had no idea what her real intention was - and I don't want to get too graphic on your blog but suffice it to say that, "yes, this happened to me."

And since butt sex isn't "procreating" it's totally cool with all the Mormon girls out there. Also happened to me on multiple occasions. Just laying on the bed making out, next thing you know she's mounting through the back door!!

Mormons are interesting case study in conservative innovations.

bobber jeff said...

I <3 mormon pussy. I have a sticker that says so as well. They are all whores.

Anonymous said...

I do not think it is strictly a Mormon thing I think it is a way for humans to justify or cover up the "Undercover nasty brain"
One of my nieces (she was not Mormon)
was having some problems with her "colon" she had to go to a specialist because she had a infection of sorts deep in he "outie hole" POOP HOLE! well needless to say she was having anal sex and thought she was a "Virgin" that getting it in the "butt" meant she was not having sex.
And I have heard other girls around her age of 15 think the very same way, oh! and oral sex in the young delusional horny mind is "Not sex".
So this soaking sex is not a surprise, anal oral soaking touching rubbing dry humps beating off,all of it is sex! sex! sex!

I even think some adults also think this way, naive horny fools.

In regards to Mormons, even though they would like to believe they are truly "saints" they are just humans, look at all the adopted "indiscretions"

Anonymous said...

I'm from Utah and a non practicing Mormon. This soaking business is funny shit but is not true. Sorry to disappoint.

Joey Brockhouse said...

About the taking care of one another part at least in Alaska the amount "help" received is directly related to how often services are attended. I stopped attending or considering myself LDS since finding out 40 million was given to support votes against same sex marriage in California and I don't do bigotry. I don't believe anyone has a right to tell those outside the church how to live or make religiously based laws. Nice is only if you're not a member and they want you to be or if you do what you are supposed to do regularly. I don't care but it sure supports my decision and makes it even more likely I'll not be returning.

Anonymous said...

OH GO SOAK YOUR SELVES. LOL

TAD said...

Okay, I have lived in SLC all my life and you can say that I'm now a jack Mormon, whatever. Anyways I have close friends that go to BYU and this indeed does happen. Sad, but true. I would say this mainly only happens down in Provo. We're not all sexually retarded. I don't think this happens a lot by any means. They (Provo) just live in a bubble with in a bubble that Utah currently lives in. Well I hope this adds some credibility to this blogger. I only came here, because of Mr Joe Rogan. Oh and its also known as "Float N Soak." haha.

Anonymous said...

grew up mormon. family still is and siblings all went to byu. never heard of this until today. I'm sure someone was dumb enough too put it in and not pump one out....but to call it a mormon thing.....i dunno about that.

JR said...

I'm an ex-Mormon. I was a Mormon in Utah through all my teenage and young single adult years. I've never heard of "soaking", and I'm pretty skeptical that this practice is widespread.

Dry-humping is pretty common. Forbidden, but common.

Anonymous said...

Went to BYU, never heard of soaking. Sex (the real kind) happens there (though probably not as much as at other colleges).

And then there's the weird thing to do which I know DOES occur. It's not soaking though. It's sex by grinding pelvises together fully clothed. The friction and pressure can get both participants to orgasm and they still consider it just making out and not an end of virginity.

Common terms for the practice are "dry humping," "Levi-lovin'," and "Jewish sex."

Anonymous said...

Don't knock it till you try it.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure those lovely conservative Christians who take it up the ass to preserve their virginity are the same ones that say homosexuality is evil, terrible and gross. As far as soaking goes, as a former mormon I've never heard of it. Then again, I've never had a lot of really stupid friends.

Jameason said...

I am an ex mormon that lives in Salt Lake... I have never herd about this. They put out a very precise no no guide to pre marital things you can do. This is a big urban legend.. Touching a breast over clothing is a no no. Having a uncovered dick and uncovered vagina in the same room is a huge no no...

Anonymous said...

My definition of "soaking" a girl is a bit different .......

Anonymous said...

I don't believe a word of it. Not saying there aren't jack or ex mormons who are having sex, but this is a ridiculous rumor that is once again spread by a non-mormon.

LDSRevelations said...

I'm a disaffected Mormon and BYU graduate (15 years ago) and I have my doubts about 'soaking.' Sure there may be cases where Mormon do this and think they're not having sex but I doubt it's widespread.

Most BYU students don't have sex..at all. Even masturbation is considered a serious sin. Those that can't resist sometimes look for loopholes (no innuendo intended)

Fact is penetration even without motion is pretty seen as sex for Mormons. I have heard the "oral is moral" approach to sex for BYU some students...where Mormons engage in oral sex and still feel fine checking the 'virign' box at Church.

Personally I think it's just sad. Churches should get out of the business of telling people when and how to have sex because it's none of their business. In Mormonism all it leads to is eventual sexual repression, disfunction and a bunch of kids trying to redefine 'virigin'.

burritosandsnow said...

I've lived in SLC since 96 and yes this is a real thing, although most just take it up the ass repeatedly to "remain virgins". Also they are so desperate to have sex they are usually married in their teens and pregnant within weeks/months. Of course such a rush to get married usually leads to an crappy relationship but luckily one of the things Mormons ARENT hung up about is divorce ... coincidence?

burritosandsnow said...

I've lived in SLC since 96 and yes this is a real thing, although most just take it up the ass repeatedly to "remain virgins". Also they are so desperate to have sex they are usually married in their teens and pregnant within weeks/months. Of course such a rush to get married usually leads to an crappy relationship but luckily one of the things Mormons ARENT hung up about is divorce ... coincidence?

AmberRose said...

This is so not true. Funny story, but not true people! lol.
I am a mormon and lived in Utah and had many BYU friends. Never heard of it people.
Dry Humping YES, soaking NO. lol

Anonymous said...

whats the time limit ? and can you soak ,unsoak, soak, unsoak etc.because once its in you`ve started the launch sequence!

Anonymous said...

i THINK THE SOAKING COMES AT THE VERY END lol.

Jorge said...

Adam directed me to this post. He doesn't believe in the soaking phenomenon, but having spent ample time in the Provo realm, it was actually something my friends and I joked about quite often. Only, we referred to it as "docking." I'd never heard the term soaking before. Our oft repeated mantra was "common. Just the tip. Just to see what it's like."

Anonymous said...

i'm high and this web page turned 3d
soaking sounds cool

Gid said...

This is by far the funniest thing i have ever heard and most thing i have ever encountered. completely false. i go to byu and served a mission and am to the "T" what this describes as a mormon person in their twenties and this is hillarious. we also apparently have horns on our heards after we get baptized and we cant wear red on tuesday...who comes up with this crap. were normal people.

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely rediculous! I am Mormon and WOW what some people won't try to blame on Mormons! We are also Christians by the way. Just thought I'd clear up than little item also. Go to a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) and get the real facts.

Anonymous said...

The only safe sex is no sex, with soaking it is possible to give std's and pregnancy. Having premarital sex of any kind is like Russian roulette with a 45 automatic pistol unless your are a really bad shot and are alone. Keep your pants and skirts zipped and wait till you are married. The whole world will be better for it. A child of God

Anonymous said...

The only safe sex is no sex, with soaking it is possible to give std's and pregnancy. Having premarital sex of any kind is like Russian roulette with a 45 automatic pistol unless your are a really bad shot and are alone. Keep your pants and skirts zipped and wait till you are married. The whole world will be better for it. A child of God

Anonymous said...

soaking feels good

sportsbook said...

I would not be able to live in Salt Lake City amongst all those people. Religious fanatics in my area are scary enough.

Anonymous said...

What about combining the two and calling it soaking the saddle, where you let it soak for a while then saddle back that ho!!!

Sincerely

Bill S. Preston and Ted Theodore Logan

We just blew your mind! POW!

Anonymous said...

This is good stuff. Romney comes to mind...

adam said...

i heard about this in health class at one of the colleges here in orem. the teacher called it floating and said thats why orem has such a high rate of plan b preganancies as these dimwits say "oh we weren't having sex we were floating so we cant be pregnant"

ive also heard it called docking, docking the space ship, and now apparently soaking.

i can go cry in a van down by the river now and die in peace. im mormon and utah has killed my religion as im not from utah and im not sure what crazy religion exists out here.

Anonymous said...

This is the silliest thing I have ever heard! Sure, some people may be delusional enough to think this is acceptable behavior but most LDS members who understand any of the teachings of the church would know that "soaking" would be a big no no. It's just common sense. Don't be so quick to believe the nonsense you hear!

Stephen Samuel said...

I've actually tried soaking -- not by name, just by practice. Not for religious reasons or anything .. just to try it. I think I lasted for all of 5 minutes. It was fun trying, though.

Amanda: If sex doesn't feel good then either you're having lubrication problems or (vaguely related), your (former) boyfriend(s) don't got a clue about good foreplay. If you're not warm, wet and ready to go by the time he sticks himself into you, then he hasn't done his job, and you're letting him get away with it.

Anonymous said...

This is not true, none of it is. the only mormon that would do this is one that doesn't attend any church at all. I know this because I am a mormon and I know that this does not happen. If your getting info about mormons don't get it from someone that has been excommunicated. that person has been excommunicated for doing things against the "mormon code" they probably hate mormons and want to spread lies about them when ever they can. THIS IS A LIE!!!

W. Scott said...

So...when a Mormon jerks off does he just stand there holding his dick?

Anonymous said...

I believe it's true. Where's there smoke, there's fire. LOL

Brody said...

That's one of the biggest tests in self restraint I've heard of yet, haha.

Anonymous said...

That's funny, but BS. I spent the summer living practically on the campus of BYU. My cousins and roommates were all Mormon, I was exposed to a lot of Mormons down there (especially dudes, especially horny bugger dudes)
If soaking were a thing, I would have heard about it (cause these dudes definitely would have been doing it to release some tension) Sounds like your friend heard of somebody doing it and assumed it was a "mormon thing". When people go that far, they just have sex.

I AM said...

One minor correction to your post. "Jack Mormons" aren't ex-mormons, they are the ones that go to church on Sunday and pretend they are "good Mormons" and then the following Saturday get tanked or high or ... soak?? :)

I AM said...

One minor correction to your post. "Jack Mormons" aren't ex-mormons, they are the ones that go to church on Sunday and pretend they are "good Mormons" and then the following Saturday get tanked or high or ... soak?? :)

Anonymous said...

Mormons are so confused about sexuality because they are taught that "sexual immorality is second to murder". As a past mormon, I have suffered depression and anxiety over sexuality. The Mormon church degrades sex so much that the members are not properly educated and find other ways to find "satisfaction". I have had Mormons friends loose their virginity to someone they don't love because they have never been taught how to properly be chaste. No wonder so many Mormons get married so quickly and young... the get married because they are sexually curious and confused, and believe they are in love with the first person they are sexually attracted to.

Anonymous said...

and its ok for catholic priests to fondle little boys also............
come on this post is a bunch of crap....

Steve Lee, Sr. said...

Agreed. As a former Mormon (out for almost 30 years) I'm aware of dry humping, but never heard of soaking until today. Doesn't sound probable or satisfying. It's either very new... or an urban legend and I'm inclined to believe the latter.

Steve Lee, Sr. said...

Agreed. As a former Mormon (out for almost 30 years) I'm aware of dry humping, but never heard of soaking until today. Doesn't sound probable or satisfying. It's either very new... or an urban legend and I'm inclined to believe the latter.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I'm obsessed with soaking.

Anonymous said...

I had to do the same thing at church when I was 12 or 13.

Let's just say that contract was honored...

Anonymous said...

It's 100% a real thing as a return missionary I had several girls suggest this when I lived in utah county. And this was just 1 year ago. Soaking is real! Also called "getting it wet" Trust me.

Anonymous said...

What man would want to soak..once a dick head hits a warm tight vagina you mean to tell me that man wont investigate the vagina further. PLEASE! I'm a woman and it makes no sense...I suggested that my Guy just put the dick in and not move because I was solo sleepy...needless to say I was"full" of his affection because he could no longer contain himself. Hope the kids use condoms

Anonymous said...

This is true, sadly. Can't believe they think just marinating the penis in the vagina doesn't count as sex. How dumb. I know a Mormon girl. She's a money grubbing whore who sleeps with married men and had a kid with her adopted brother. Shoulda just "soaked"

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna try soaking with my wife tonight.

Anonymous said...

Can you soak it doggystyle? Lol!

Anonymous said...

What ever you do don't saddlebag and then soak.........she will get an infection!

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. You "lived out there" and this was all "totally cool". You're full of shit. I LIVE out here, I've been here my entire life and associated with Mormons, non-Mormons and everyone else. I've dated plenty of Mormons and none offered me anal play time. Don't just talk to talk.

Sorry, that needed to happen. Never heard of this soaking but it spuds hilarious!

TRANQUILO said...

you all know that soaking leads to a powerwash. Penetration is penetration no matter how you see it. Sex feels good, soaking feels good, it leads to pro-creation eventually.

Anonymous said...

Former Mormon. Definitely heard of it and know people who practiced it. This is, sadly, real. The saddest part is that girls who are talked into soaking can end up getting pregnant when the guy doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. Also, there are still stds to be found when you have multiple soaking partners. Gross.

Anonymous said...

Well, your source is not even close to good. Do you think asking an ex Mormon is the best way to find out about what we do? It's like asking some guys ex girlfriend what he's like just after she's broken up with him. It's not gonna be the most accurate.

Anonymous said...

Can you have a soakasim?

Anonymous said...

Doggystyle soaking is called playing possum!

John M. said...

I find it hilarious that there is still people saying this is not true when there have in fact been others testifying to it's truthfulness... I also know for a fact this is true as well. So instead of out right saying it's false how about being open to the possibility that you don't know everything about your religion and it's members? Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Main Entry: sexual intercourse
Function: noun
Date: 1799
1 : heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis : coitus 2 : intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis

By definition, they are having sex. To think otherwise is ridiculous. Once one sex organ enters another, you no longer are a virgin.

Anonymous said...

I heard about this for the first time recently from a single Mormon I know. But he called it "docking". My jaw must have hit the floor. I haven't dated a Mormon woman for many years, but maybe I should start.

Anonymous said...

Lol any religion is not Christian. Christianity is a personal relationship with Jesus, it is not defined as a religious movement or man based commission. You should really study and seek out who Joseph Smith was. He was a criminal who tried, as much as he could, to prosper from the hard work of other people's hands. Sadly he would not learn from his ways and died in a shootout with authorities. The word says if you live by the sword you die from it. And what amazes me is idiot's took his words as truth and did not "test the spirits" and many have been led away from the path. "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" the word says.

Anonymous said...

Here's another one for you from Mormon-land: BAGPIPING. Just what you think. Fucking the armpit. Now you might just be able to call yourself a virgin after that. Beyond weird.