I recently moved to Anchorage for a job and was curious what it'd be like living in a place where the male to female ratio is skewed, to put it mildly.
"You're going to get raped. I heard they pay for women they're so desperate for pussy up there," said one idiot at a bar when I told her where I was moving.
"8-to-1 guys to girls. You don't even have to be hot to get proposed to I heard," said her friend.
"Get a gun," was my brother's request before boarding the plane.
And with that sage wisdom, I went to a local watering hole to meet some new gal friends two nights ago. I didn't make any effort whatsoever to look cute. In fact, I did the exact opposite. No shower after two days of skiing and hat wearing. I didn't even change out of the sports bra from said ski. I managed some deodorant and a different hat, but not much else. I chose one of my more pointed t-shirts (a bright red shirt called "burning bridges" with an image of a guy burning the bridge between him and a woman on the other side). What the hell anyway with all that stupid romance shit.
We saddled up to the bar and of course the three old guys sitting to the right of us starting making conversation, but they were fairly easy to not engage. I find old guys far more fun to drink with than younger dudes mainly because they're harmless and have funnier stories. If you tell them you're not interested, they're not butt hurt and they'll often still buy you a drink for being cool enough to not be a complete bitch. Younger guys on the other hand...sigh.
There was one of said younger versions of the male species to the left of my friend. I noticed him glancing at us every 30-45 seconds and looking for a way to insert himself in the conversation. I also noticed him staring at my tits every time he looked over. Did I mention I was wearing a t-shirt and sports bra and am not exactly a Victoria's Secret model? I have pretty much no boobs to speak of, particularly in a sports bra and t-shirt so I was curious what he kept staring at.
He finally figures out how to interrupt our convo with some asinine comment. He asks me a question, to which I ask him why he's been staring at my tits for 40 minutes. With absolutely not a moment's hesitation, he shifts his gaze to my general torso area and does not look up while responding that he's trying to figure out what my shirt means.
"Really? I'm confused how a bridge burning with a man on one side and a woman on the other is confusing."
"Oh. That's a guy, huh?"
"Yep. A guy. Burning a bridge. The shirt's called burning bridges, weird huh?"
The entire time, he has not once lifted his gaze to make eye contact.
"You're still staring at my tits dude."
"I know. I just don't really get your shirt."
I didn't engage him any further except to make a rather horrible, politically incorrect joke a few minutes later. I wanted to give the angry, lesbian feminist vibe because that's never failed in the past to scare guys away, but this guy didn't seem to mind neither my condescension nor general insulting of his ethnic identity. He asked what we were up to later that night.
Might have to take my brother's advice after all.
Showing posts with label that Guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label that Guy. Show all posts
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Captain Obvious
I am happy to say that I am seeing a card-carrying member of the Human Race now. New One and I went to the Apple Store last night and bought a computer for him. That's not what this is about, though. This is about the unwelcome drunk texts I got from a previous fling-guy this past weekend.
(FRIDAY/SATURDAY 2:00 A.M.)
HIM: Are U in?
ME: Functionally asleep. Goodnight. Been lights-out for almost an hour now.
HIM: What floor are you on again?
ME: Shuddap.
HIM: But I am in the elevator.
ME: You have a home to go to don't be weird like this.
HIM: The only weird part is that you don't want to f#ck me.
Me: You're being really weird now and by weird I mean illegal.
HIM: Okay, if U say so.
(SATURDAY/SUNDAY 2:10 A.M.)
HIM: Hi. Sex? I like it :)
(MONDAY, 6:09 P.M.)
HIM: Sorry about Saturday. I was drunk which is never an excuse! Sorry!
This evening New One and I are going to dinner and a movie. My phone will be turned off at night from now on.
(FRIDAY/SATURDAY 2:00 A.M.)
HIM: Are U in?
ME: Functionally asleep. Goodnight. Been lights-out for almost an hour now.
HIM: What floor are you on again?
ME: Shuddap.
HIM: But I am in the elevator.
ME: You have a home to go to don't be weird like this.
HIM: The only weird part is that you don't want to f#ck me.
Me: You're being really weird now and by weird I mean illegal.
HIM: Okay, if U say so.
(SATURDAY/SUNDAY 2:10 A.M.)
HIM: Hi. Sex? I like it :)
(MONDAY, 6:09 P.M.)
HIM: Sorry about Saturday. I was drunk which is never an excuse! Sorry!
This evening New One and I are going to dinner and a movie. My phone will be turned off at night from now on.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Little comforts
I’ve been thinking a lot about exes lately.
And don’t tell me you haven’t. I’m not interested in that. Really, can’t we please, for just a moment, admit, all together, that it’s weird, so very weird, to have exes in the universe? I don’t want to pretend that I’ve moved on—which I have, in a sense. I’m not stopped, I’m not waiting, or weeping. I’m just thinking.
Isn’t it strange that there are people in the world that you used to lay next to every night (if you’re a cohabitating type of serial monogamist, at least), who now have these lives that don’t involve you? They have wives and girlfriends and fiancés and children, and you have new loves, and you live somewhere else, and why does that have to mean you can’t still call his mother? Why does that have to mean that you’re a stalker if you want to see a photo of his new family?
One reason I’ve been thinking is because I’ve been hearing a lot from an ex who was an item so long ago I hesitate to think of him as more than a very old friend. I was visiting home not long ago, and he randomly called. He didn’t even know I was in town, but he instantly started pushing to see me. I agreed to dinner at his intense insistence—he hinted at some sort of trauma. He promised he’d be pathetic, and offered to buy.
We got in the car, and I said, “So. What was all that? What’s up with you?”
“Right,” he said. “So, my wife left me.”
Of course she did. Although there was one point in my life that I’d considered him my backup plan, my safety, in case my life didn’t go the way it expected, I gave up that plan about four years ago when he told me he was having a baby. Since then, I’d been firmly in the camp that supported his relationship, and I’d even been charmed by his wife – and while we’re being honest, I’ll just put it out there. I’m prettier than his wife.
“Oh, buddy,” I said. “That sucks.”
“For her teacher,” he said.
“Yikes,” I said.
“Who is a lady,” he said.
“Oh, fuck.”
At dinner, he told me the whole sordid story. It’s pretty fucking tragic.
He knew our server, it was why he’d picked this particular restaurant. When the server walked away, my friend confessed, “he doesn’t know yet.”
This break had been sudden, and the whole thing had only gone down about three weeks prior. My friend described to me how he understood depression for the first time in his life.
“I wake up in the morning, and I can’t think of a reason to get out of bed. And even when I can, I just can’t think of how in the world I’m going to make myself do it.”
I hugged him, and got a little drunk with him, and said what little, weak things you can say to comfort a friend whose family has just been torn apart. Mostly I listened to him. And when our server asked what the wife and kid were up to, he got the bad news. When our bill arrived, I think it was $5.
“I’ve been getting a lot of free meals lately,” he confessed.
What little things we can do to comfort a friend.
Later, after I’d left town again, he texted me, saying he wished he’d been able to spend more time with me when I was in town.
“I have a lot of friends here, but none like you,” he said.
I’m not sure what he meant by that. In a literal sense, he doesn’t have any other friends who took his virginity. In another sense, he probably doesn’t have any other friends who have considered making a life with him. I’ve thought about what our kids would look like. I’ve considered whether I would take his last name.
But he probably didn’t mean any of those things.
And don’t tell me you haven’t. I’m not interested in that. Really, can’t we please, for just a moment, admit, all together, that it’s weird, so very weird, to have exes in the universe? I don’t want to pretend that I’ve moved on—which I have, in a sense. I’m not stopped, I’m not waiting, or weeping. I’m just thinking.
Isn’t it strange that there are people in the world that you used to lay next to every night (if you’re a cohabitating type of serial monogamist, at least), who now have these lives that don’t involve you? They have wives and girlfriends and fiancés and children, and you have new loves, and you live somewhere else, and why does that have to mean you can’t still call his mother? Why does that have to mean that you’re a stalker if you want to see a photo of his new family?
One reason I’ve been thinking is because I’ve been hearing a lot from an ex who was an item so long ago I hesitate to think of him as more than a very old friend. I was visiting home not long ago, and he randomly called. He didn’t even know I was in town, but he instantly started pushing to see me. I agreed to dinner at his intense insistence—he hinted at some sort of trauma. He promised he’d be pathetic, and offered to buy.
We got in the car, and I said, “So. What was all that? What’s up with you?”
“Right,” he said. “So, my wife left me.”
Of course she did. Although there was one point in my life that I’d considered him my backup plan, my safety, in case my life didn’t go the way it expected, I gave up that plan about four years ago when he told me he was having a baby. Since then, I’d been firmly in the camp that supported his relationship, and I’d even been charmed by his wife – and while we’re being honest, I’ll just put it out there. I’m prettier than his wife.
“Oh, buddy,” I said. “That sucks.”
“For her teacher,” he said.
“Yikes,” I said.
“Who is a lady,” he said.
“Oh, fuck.”
At dinner, he told me the whole sordid story. It’s pretty fucking tragic.
He knew our server, it was why he’d picked this particular restaurant. When the server walked away, my friend confessed, “he doesn’t know yet.”
This break had been sudden, and the whole thing had only gone down about three weeks prior. My friend described to me how he understood depression for the first time in his life.
“I wake up in the morning, and I can’t think of a reason to get out of bed. And even when I can, I just can’t think of how in the world I’m going to make myself do it.”
I hugged him, and got a little drunk with him, and said what little, weak things you can say to comfort a friend whose family has just been torn apart. Mostly I listened to him. And when our server asked what the wife and kid were up to, he got the bad news. When our bill arrived, I think it was $5.
“I’ve been getting a lot of free meals lately,” he confessed.
What little things we can do to comfort a friend.
Later, after I’d left town again, he texted me, saying he wished he’d been able to spend more time with me when I was in town.
“I have a lot of friends here, but none like you,” he said.
I’m not sure what he meant by that. In a literal sense, he doesn’t have any other friends who took his virginity. In another sense, he probably doesn’t have any other friends who have considered making a life with him. I’ve thought about what our kids would look like. I’ve considered whether I would take his last name.
But he probably didn’t mean any of those things.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Am I crazy or is he creepy?
I can't tell. I was just sitting there, minding my business late in the week, trying very hard not to beat my head against my keyboard, when an IM popped up on my screen.
This is where I start to feel squeamish. I mean, OK. I like fun. But that long "hhhmmmmmm" felt like a hot breath across a phone line, right? That's not fun. It certainly ain't sexy. So I tried to keep it light and jokey. I figure, can't we all agree that work sucks, eh? Eh?
I don't want bald, married guys my dad's age to find me interesting. Especially if they can't spell for shit. Again, I retort with a joke.
There's a pause, so I think it's over. Oh, no.
Um, what? Is this how old people flirt? Is he that bored? I hardly know this guy. He works in a different building. (I think his WIFE works in my building though.) Are we all of a sudden on Match.com? I play it safe by playing stupid.
OK, DIW. What is this? Am I being paranoid? Is he just so well-meaning and innocent and I'm the one projecting? Should I avoid this guy?
He says:
Hey! Whatre you doing?
She says:
whipping some stuff out before I get out of here
and then tomorrow's FRIDAY
He says:
Yes it is!!! WOO HOO!!!!
big plans this holiday wekend?
She says:
Oh yeah
gardening
cleaning my floors
big stuff
Actually I might spend a night in a cabin on the Waccamaw
and do some kayaking
so that'll be good
Oh, you know, and being pious, of course
You?
He says:
LOL>...of course!!!
well...I cleaned floors last weekend so thais done...YEAH!!!
a little golf Frdiay and Saturday mongings...
She says:
Oh nice
He says:
and I do have to clean out the garage one day...BOOOOO
She says:
I hate chores
He says:
me too...
She says:
Why did I think they'd go away when I grew up?
I think I need to have kids. Make them start doing some dishes.
He says:
they just get more and more and more
She says:
srrsly
He says:
we need FUN in our life...hhhmmmmm
This is where I start to feel squeamish. I mean, OK. I like fun. But that long "hhhmmmmmm" felt like a hot breath across a phone line, right? That's not fun. It certainly ain't sexy. So I tried to keep it light and jokey. I figure, can't we all agree that work sucks, eh? Eh?
She says:
Oh, what, like work isn't FUN for you?
It doesn't bring you enough JOYJOYJOY?
He says:
there you go again..scarcasim...I LOVE IT!
She says:
I just can't help it
I'm glad someone around here appreciates it
He says:
I do...let it FLY!!!
She says:
ha
I still have to figure out different types of humor.
Not everyone thinks I'm hilarious, apparently.
He says:
i find you hilarous and interesting...
I don't want bald, married guys my dad's age to find me interesting. Especially if they can't spell for shit. Again, I retort with a joke.
She says:
Me, too!
That's why we get along
There's a pause, so I think it's over. Oh, no.
He says:
so.,...
tell me something unique
Um, what? Is this how old people flirt? Is he that bored? I hardly know this guy. He works in a different building. (I think his WIFE works in my building though.) Are we all of a sudden on Match.com? I play it safe by playing stupid.
She says:
??
He says:
lol
see...you haven't figured me out yet...I am haviong a tought ime with an outage over here and thoiught I would settle my stress by being silly wiht you
sorry
She says:
ahhhhh
I'm slow sometimes
He says:
not a problem...
OK, DIW. What is this? Am I being paranoid? Is he just so well-meaning and innocent and I'm the one projecting? Should I avoid this guy?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Text Message Diaries
A good looking friend of mine recently joined Match.com. We'll call him "Guy." Guy already has plenty of dates, and his online dating hasn't stopped him from asking out the chick at the bar, all of my friends, pretty much any cute girl.
So I asked, would you be willing to let us publish the conversations, au total, on DatingIsWeird?
He's game. Sorta. I had to buy him beers and dinner so I could transcribe what follows is.
Guy:
I just felt Like we had a cheesy good bye and all.
And now I'm second guessing
my communication like u :)
Girl #1:
Well don't!
Girl #1:
Guy:
Clicked "politely ignore" on ur wink.
And your messages and profile disappeared.
Girl #1:
Really? I saw a message that said
something along the lines of "thanks but no thanks",
funny!
I didn't feel like u invited yourself last night.
I didn't feel like u invited yourself last night.
I ended up just hanging out at my
friends house. I closed my profile on match for a bit,
probably why its gone.
Girl #1:
Guy:
Jeeze... I hope its not b/c of me. Didn't mean to try &
make it a date & I should have kept my
developing crush to myself. Hope u stay in touch.
I would like to hang out again
but I won't pester u. I promise!
Girl #1:
Ha ha. Second guesser. The crush talk was sweet!
I closed my profile for a bit because
I just felt like taking a break, has nothing
to do with you. I like you, stoke we are friends!
Going through some bullshit right now,
Going through some bullshit right now,
stressful day. If I don't respond or pick up
its not because of you.
(A few days later....)
Girl #1:
Guy:
guilty as charged!
(A few days later....)
Girl #1:
Thanks? Ok. Match is weird because
it causes pressure when u go out. Like
you have to decide right then if u like
the person. Pressure!
Girl #1:
Guy:
Thats all you. I mean we do get to choose
from dozens of possible dates so I imagine
lots of people end up liking something
about one another, thats fun
I don't feel it like pressure
Girl #1:
Yep, it is all me I guess. That's why I realized
that I'm not ready for dating. I've never really
done that before. Just met friends and
it turned into something. Dating isn't fun for me,
plus I have too much baggage. Well, good luck ;)
Girl #1:
Guy:
Yea I know you were just looking for friends...
Sorry I wasn't fun for you. I think u r hot and cool
but I didn't mean to bring the pressure.
Hope we can hang out again sometime, friends.
Girl #1:
Crap!!! No! You were fun, ugh,
can I make this more of a mess?
I'm such a social retard. I like u.
YES friends and let's hang out again.
(Again, a few days later...)
Girl #1:
(Again, a few days later...)
Girl #1:
We should go grab a beer??
Girl #1:
Guy:
Dang..I think I may have plans as of 1/2 hour ago.
Text u tomorrow and let's figure it out.
Girl #1:
Sounds good...I'm more fun :)
Girl #1:
Guy:
I wouldnt know. Jus kidding.
Girl #1:
You son of a bitch!! J/k...
I might go out tonight.
Okay I'm not. Talk to u tomorrow :)
(The next day)
Girl #1:
I might go out tonight.
Okay I'm not. Talk to u tomorrow :)
(The next day)
Guy:
Okay what about planning on a beer later :)
say 6 or 7. And just see what unfolds
Girl #1:
What about your other plans??
Girl #1:
Guy:
Well im keeping it vague
and since u r just a friend,
I'm not going to feel bad
if we cut it short because someone else
wants to meet me afterward.
Hah, like u did the other day. Fair enough?
Girl #1:
Ha ha! Ok. You would not have had fun
if u came with me. It was lame. Me, my friend, and
her Weirdo husband at their house...
Girl #1:
Guy:
That's perfect, u wouldn't have fun
w/ me later either b/c
my other plan might actually like me. Hehe
Girl #1:
Oh please! Of course they will,
but will they be as fun as me? NO
Girl #1:
Guy:
We'll see, call me later?
Girl #1:
Stop being so mad at me.
Yes, let's plan for around 7?
(A few logistical texts later. I'm going to include times from here on out because they also say something...)
(A few logistical texts later. I'm going to include times from here on out because they also say something...)
Girl #1:
5:28
5:28
You better not stand me up
because you're so mad at me ;)
It will hurt my heart. See u at 7
6:05
6:05
Ok, you're going right?
6:29
6:29
Tonight seems weird and you have plans after, so
let's plan for another time :)
Have fun tonight on your date!
(Guy calls Girl #1 twice)
Guy:
7:02
Are you effing kidding me? I just got the message that you want to bail?
I'm pissed I rushed home to take a shower so I could meet up with you
after you practically begged me.
I actually canceled my plans with a very sweet girl...
And now I've got nothing to do....
Damn it I'm so pissed. I was on a motorcycle ride with a friend
so I didn't get the texts until I got home and got out of the shower.
We rushed back from ___________ so I could meet you on time.
(Guy calls Girl #1 twice)
Girl #1:
7:02
7:02
I'm not answering cause I don't want to get yelled at.
I'm sorry I came across as begging you.
You made it sound like you had plans right after,
u didn't tell me u canceled. If u could relax a little
we could figure out what to do, Jesus!
Guy:
7:15
Whatever! You're acting totally crazy.
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