I’ve been single for some time now. We’re talking years. It all started when I fell off the deep end at college and decided that until I got my life in order, I wasn’t going to worry about anybody else.
For the most part it has worked. I get horny, yes, but I can (mostly) handle that myself.
Mentally this is working for me. I’m much more stable inside my head now than I was when I was slutting around all over campus (sometimes off campus). To clarify, I don’t sleep with 4 guys and think I’m a slut. I’m not a slut. But I’ve fucked a hell of a lot of people.
There were many fun moments, of course, but I’m still not sure what I was trying to get out of it, aside from the generic “looking for love in all the wrong places” kind of companionship.Things aren’t hunky dory inside my head now, but I no longer look for any kind of…reassurance, if you will...from having the opposite sex between my legs in one fashion or another.
I’ve hit a wall, though. It’s been so long since I have done any kind of “traditional” dating that I feel like I've forgotten how. I don’t even spend that much time with the opposite sex in general, a complete 180 from my pre-slutting days. The thought of opening up to a person at that level is daunting.
People around me date. Some more than others, and all in different fashions. But while I was not dating, several of the people around me were dating. Then getting serious. Moving in together. Getting engaged. Now they’re married and have a kid.
I truly don’t feel like I’m in a race, but my word, how did I get so far behind? It’s like I’m paralyzed at the idea of even putting myself out there enough to ask a guy out. I don’t flirt in bars. I don’t even really go to bars. I haven’t tried dating online (save one close call with a craigslist dude, but I let my friend handle that one). I work in an environment that is damn close to being exclusively female. I’m totally surrounded by estrogen all the time!
True, I’ve got my life in order. I can take care of myself now, for the most part. But this dating thing…or not dating…it really is weird. For me it’s just weird because it feels like the unknown. Maybe I'm just taking the whole thing too seriously.