Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shitting Where You Eat: A Guide To Dating Your Neighbor With Dignity And Grace

  1. Meet neighbor.

  2. Run into neighbor again.

  3. Have a long conversation with neighbor.

  4. Go out to lunch.

  5. Run into neighbor again.

  6. Go out to bar.

  7. Make out on sidewalk.

  8. Date.

  9. Decide dating neighbor is bad idea.

  10. Become friends.

  11. Go out to lunch. As friends.

  12. Drink bottle of wine with neighbor.

  13. Have sex with neighbor.

  14. See neighbor escorting a girl out of his apartment at 9am on a Sunday.

  15. Cry on neighbor's couch for 3 hours.

  16. Ask him to cat-sit the following weekend.

  17. Avoid neighbor.

  18. Run into neighbor. Limit conversation to discussion of SSRIs and cats.

  19. Avoid neighbor.

  20. Give neighbor a basket full of whiskey and candy as a "thank you" for cat-sitting.

  21. Avoid neighbor.

  22. Move.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


After the breakup of my last ill-fated relationship, I decided to hide out for a bit. This, dear reader, is why I was home on a Saturday night to receive his call. I HAVE to share, because of all of the "callbacks" I have EVER gotten, this one is the most interesting.

He called because I "am the only sane person that he knows" and he had to talk to somebody. He just broke it off with the girl he started seeing right after I broke up with him. He had JUST left a bar where he had dumped her and during his walk home, he told me what a mess she was and all that sort of garbage. He got to his house and was smoking on his porch when he quickly told me that she was there at his house and he had to go, but that he would call me back in a few.

I texted him "Do you need me to call the police?" jokingly after about a half hour. He said no, that the police were already there and that he was watching her get arrested.

So, he calls me back and goes on and on about how she was crazy and had a drug problem and drank too much. I remained silent and smirking. I AM so much better than that and was SO GLAD that I was over him. He was slurping down scotch while he was talking. Then came the big pause: "I have something I have to tell you and you're not going to like it."

Right after I broke up with him, he called an escort service. He was dating the girl from the escort service.

That's right: not a stripper or a topless waitress, he went directly to dating a whore. A whore with two kids. He kept talking. She was addicted to crack. In the first month of dating, they had ALREADY had a pregnancy scare. She was arrested in front of his house for drunk driving... with her three-year-old daughter in the back car seat...driving the wrong way on a one-way street. She had a key to his house. She said that she loved him. That was why he babysat her kids while she went off on tricks. Oh... and she was "really, really hot".

Did I have to explain that she was playing him for his money? Yes. Twice. "Trip" had never, apparently, actually met a whore before and must have missed all of the movies and books where the whore plays the rich guy for his money. He asked me what he should do. If he should break it off.

"It depends on how much drama you want in your life. If you want a psychotic crack hoe having your baby and really want to pay her monthly for the next 18 years, I'd say no. You should stay with her for a while. It will be very exciting... like watching COPS. If you don't want a crack baby, I'd say that you should change your locks tomorrow morning and never talk to her again."

He ask me if I'd go to drinks with him the next night. I politely declined. He changed his locks and is shopping for a psychiatrist.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Am I crazy or is he creepy?

I can't tell. I was just sitting there, minding my business late in the week, trying very hard not to beat my head against my keyboard, when an IM popped up on my screen.

He says:
Hey! Whatre you doing?

She says:
whipping some stuff out before I get out of here
and then tomorrow's FRIDAY

He says:
Yes it is!!! WOO HOO!!!!
big plans this holiday wekend?

She says:
Oh yeah
cleaning my floors
big stuff
Actually I might spend a night in a cabin on the Waccamaw
and do some kayaking
so that'll be good
Oh, you know, and being pious, of course

He says:
LOL>...of course!!!
well...I cleaned floors last weekend so thais done...YEAH!!!
a little golf Frdiay and Saturday mongings...

She says:
Oh nice

He says:
and I do have to clean out the garage one day...BOOOOO

She says:
I hate chores

He says:
me too...

She says:
Why did I think they'd go away when I grew up?
I think I need to have kids. Make them start doing some dishes.

He says:
they just get more and more and more

She says:

He says:
we need FUN in our life...hhhmmmmm

This is where I start to feel squeamish. I mean, OK. I like fun. But that long "hhhmmmmmm" felt like a hot breath across a phone line, right? That's not fun. It certainly ain't sexy. So I tried to keep it light and jokey. I figure, can't we all agree that work sucks, eh? Eh?

She says:
Oh, what, like work isn't FUN for you?
It doesn't bring you enough JOYJOYJOY?

He says:
there you go again..scarcasim...I LOVE IT!

She says:
I just can't help it
I'm glad someone around here appreciates it

He says:
I do...let it FLY!!!

She says:
I still have to figure out different types of humor.
Not everyone thinks I'm hilarious, apparently.

He says:
i find you hilarous and interesting...

I don't want bald, married guys my dad's age to find me interesting. Especially if they can't spell for shit. Again, I retort with a joke.

She says:
Me, too!
That's why we get along

There's a pause, so I think it's over. Oh, no.

He says:
tell me something unique

Um, what? Is this how old people flirt? Is he that bored? I hardly know this guy. He works in a different building. (I think his WIFE works in my building though.) Are we all of a sudden on I play it safe by playing stupid.

She says:

He says:
lol haven't figured me out yet...I am haviong a tought ime with an outage over here and thoiught I would settle my stress by being silly wiht you

She says:
I'm slow sometimes

He says:
not a problem...

OK, DIW. What is this? Am I being paranoid? Is he just so well-meaning and innocent and I'm the one projecting? Should I avoid this guy?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

When the Deal Breaks....

In every new relationship, there's hope for a happy future. There's the inkling of an idea that maybe this one is IT! We tap into the Disney-perfected romantic notion that there's one love for each of us and dammit, we're going to find that magic, fireworks-when-you-kiss, love-at-first-sight magic.

At this point, you've probably pegged me as the jaded dumped one. Wrong, kids. In this case, I'm the dumper. I'm the one whose deal was broken by a totally clueless yet very well-intentioned young man. The clues started out small, with him forgetting things I'd told him while I painstakingly remembered his schedule. Then he started only getting in touch when he wanted a li'l sumpin, not just to get have a nice chat. THEN he forgot the species of my beloved pet whom I talk about all the time (that's right, I'm a crazy cat lady, not a dumb dog dresser-upper). Lastly, when a friend came back to the state from a war zone where he'd been for over a year, dealbreaker said "Oh, then I guess I'll just play things by ear." No, sir, you won't.

It had gotten to the point where I was annoyed every time I spoke to him - wanted to reach through whatever device we were speaking through and slap some sense into him. He corrected me and always had to have the last word. While I know I'm full of corrections, I'd like to think that I can shut my damn mouth and detect irritation. Him, not so much.

Tonight, we had a chat. I told him things hadn't felt right lately; we were just half-hearted chats in between booty calls. He said he had no idea. Completely blindsided. Thought I was happy with the whole situation. Guess that's what happens when you don't talk....

Now, I could be wrong in all of this. I could be a heinous bitch who broke a booty call's li'l heart, and I do hope y'all tell me if that's so. On the other hand, I finally did something I've had problems doing - I had "the talk" when I didn't want to, and I didn't lead anyone on or drag anything out. My relationships usually end when I, in fullblown sobbing tears, say "DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?!" Okay, that's not quite accurate, but it feels true.

At this point, I'm beginning to feel that this dating shit just isn't meant to make sense. Maybe I should read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" like my mom suggested after all....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The mess in the living room

I recently realized something. A little blip of recognition.

If you're a breeder: Between your parents' house, your dorm, your roommates, and then kids of your own, a retirement community, maybe a nursing home ... there are very few -- precious few -- years when you can wake up on a Sunday morning and stagger out to your living room to find you'd left a pile of underwear on the floor, empty bottles stacked up on bookshelves, and lube and toys on the coffee table. Enjoy them.

I know I plan to.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Text Message Diaries

A good looking friend of mine recently joined We'll call him "Guy." Guy already has plenty of dates, and his online dating hasn't stopped him from asking out the chick at the bar, all of my friends, pretty much any cute girl.

The other day we were chatting about Girl #735 and how it had ended poorly, yet again, over text. I asked to see the conversation and almost pissed my pants. Good stuff. The best part is he's too lazy to delete his texts. We're talking months of texts with dozens of women.

So I asked, would you be willing to let us publish the conversations, au total, on DatingIsWeird?

He's game. Sorta. I had to buy him beers and dinner so I could transcribe what follows is.

I just felt Like we had a cheesy good bye and all.
And now I'm second guessing
my communication like u :)

Girl #1:
Well don't!

Clicked "politely ignore" on ur wink.
And your messages and profile disappeared.

Girl #1:
Really? I saw a message that said
something along the lines of "thanks but no thanks",

I didn't feel like u invited yourself last night.
I ended up just hanging out at my
friends house. I closed my profile on match for a bit,
probably why its gone.

Jeeze... I hope its not b/c of me. Didn't mean to try &
make it a date & I should have kept my
developing crush to myself. Hope u stay in touch.
I would like to hang out again
but I won't pester u. I promise!

Girl #1:
Ha ha. Second guesser. The crush talk was sweet!
I closed my profile for a bit because
I just felt like taking a break, has nothing
to do with you. I like you, stoke we are friends!

Going through some bullshit right now,
stressful day. If I don't respond or pick up
its not because of you.

guilty as charged!

(A few days later....)

Girl #1:
Thanks? Ok. Match is weird because
it causes pressure when u go out. Like
you have to decide right then if u like
the person. Pressure!

Thats all you. I mean we do get to choose
from dozens of possible dates so I imagine
lots of people end up liking something
about one another, thats fun
I don't feel it like pressure

Girl #1:
Yep, it is all me I guess. That's why I realized
that I'm not ready for dating. I've never really
done that before. Just met friends and
it turned into something. Dating isn't fun for me,
plus I have too much baggage. Well, good luck ;)

Yea I know you were just looking for friends...
Sorry I wasn't fun for you. I think u r hot and cool
but I didn't mean to bring the pressure.
Hope we can hang out again sometime, friends.

Girl #1:
Crap!!! No! You were fun, ugh,
can I make this more of a mess?
I'm such a social retard. I like u.
YES friends and let's hang out again.

(Again, a few days later...)

Girl #1:
We should go grab a beer??

Dang..I think I may have plans as of 1/2 hour ago.
Text u tomorrow and let's figure it out.

Girl #1:
Sounds good...I'm more fun :)

I wouldnt know. Jus kidding.

Girl #1:
You son of a bitch!! J/k...

I might go out tonight.

Okay I'm not. Talk to u tomorrow :)

(The next day)

Okay what about planning on a beer later :)
say 6 or 7. And just see what unfolds

Girl #1:
What about your other plans??

Well im keeping it vague
and since u r just a friend,
I'm not going to feel bad
if we cut it short because someone else
wants to meet me afterward.

Hah, like u did the other day. Fair enough?

Girl #1:
Ha ha! Ok. You would not have had fun
if u came with me. It was lame. Me, my friend, and
her Weirdo husband at their house...

That's perfect, u wouldn't have fun
w/ me later either b/c
my other plan might actually like me. Hehe

Girl #1:
Oh please! Of course they will,
but will they be as fun as me? NO

We'll see, call me later?

Girl #1:
Stop being so mad at me.
Yes, let's plan for around 7?

(A few logistical texts later. I'm going to include times from here on out because they also say something...)

Girl #1:
You better not stand me up
because you're so mad at me ;)
It will hurt my heart. See u at 7

Ok, you're going right?

Tonight seems weird and you have plans after, so
let's plan for another time :)
Have fun tonight on your date!

Are you effing kidding me? I just got the message that you want to bail?
I'm pissed I rushed home to take a shower so I could meet up with you
after you practically begged me.

I actually canceled my plans with a very sweet girl...
And now I've got nothing to do....

Damn it I'm so pissed. I was on a motorcycle ride with a friend
so I didn't get the texts until I got home and got out of the shower.
We rushed back from ___________ so I could meet you on time.

(Guy calls Girl #1 twice)

Girl #1:
I'm not answering cause I don't want to get yelled at.
I'm sorry I came across as begging you.
You made it sound like you had plans right after,
u didn't tell me u canceled. If u could relax a little
we could figure out what to do, Jesus!

Whatever! You're acting totally crazy.