Sunday, August 19, 2012

What we need to know.

Y'all. Forgive me, but it's about to get real in here. Uber-dudes and conservatives may not want to read this, but I think they need to know this as much as, if not more, than all of us like-minded folks.

A fact of dating is sex, and a fact of sex is the possibility of pregnancy. If you're going to date, and you're going to fuck, you're going to be taking risks, and the only risk one should ever take is an informed one. Therefore, let me stand on my soapbox for a minute and talk about a few issues related to pregnancy in our world that have me worried.

I'd been thinking about writing a post on how undereducated so many of us are when it comes to sexually transmitted infections/diseases and pregnancy. We'll get there, but first we need to discuss the issue of U.S. Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO). He pulled this junk today: LA Times Story To save you the time of reading/watching, he stated in an interview this morning that in cases of "legitimate rape," a woman's body shuts down so it's very hard for a woman to get pregnant as a result of rape. If, heaven forbid, a woman's weak body backfires and she gets pregnant, then we should, of course, punish the rapist and not the baby.

Reading about this made me physically ill. That's usually an exaggeration, but I still feel a bit nauseated. This man wants to be one of our country's leaders - one of our 102 senators - and help shape policy, including the incredibly contested medical issues that we currently face. He obviously does not know how the female body works or pregnancy happens, so why should we let him help decide this?

Furthermore, how do let someone like Paul Ryan potentially be this country's next vice president? He supports Personhood USA, which propounds the idea that life begins at conception. That idea makes your average oral contraceptive verboten because it works to keep a fertilized egg from implanting. Yup - no more pills. Needless to say, he's against abortion of any form, fashion, or rationalization. He would also like you to say goodbye to rape crisis centers, Planned Parenthood, and any other assistance provided for those looking for low cost sexual healthcare.

That's where I really get concerned. In a recent study (reported on here by The Atlantic), a third of all babies born in the US were not planned for, and the biggest reason that happened is because these women thought it couldn't happen to them. Unwanted/unplanned/unprotected pregnancies are more likely to be underweight, have issues at birth, and suffer from the effects of a severe lack of prenatal care. So why let this happen? If it's easy and affordable to get contraception in the first place, people (men and women) are less likely to be unprepared for sex. If sex education is emphasized, people (men, women, and U.S. legislators) will know how our bodies work and just how easy it is to get pregnant. (Hint: There is no "safe" time, way, method, or place to have unprotected heterosexual intercourse and be guaranteed a baby won't result.)

If you're interested, google "war on women." It exists for real in the United States, and if you don't think so, you're not paying attention. This isn't a matter of feminism or class or anything else - it's your basic healthcare and wellbeing. If this doesn't get you on your toes, give me a few days until I can get some thoughts together on sexually transmitted disease and infections. Abortion and pregnancy are far from the only issues we face, especially as women.

Until then, do keep dating and having fun and living your lives, but please be safe!


(These are solely my views, and I don't speak for the other editors of DIW. However, I hope they and you chime in.)

Friday, July 20, 2012

Not a Word

We all know that talking can get you into trouble on dates. Whether you drop a bomb about your baggage, manage to insult their mother, or just get flustered, it's easy to say the wrong thing. That's why we had to share a story from a reader about someone ruining things by keeping mum. Hope you enjoy this story as much as I did! Thanks for the contribution, sweetheart!


So, recently I have decided to get out of my two year long dating funk by taking a "Yes Man" approach to dating.  I say yes to pretty much any guy who asks me out within reason (okay, so I'm not so good at the 'yes to everything rule.'). Still, I have been out on more dates this year than the last two combined and there have been some pretty awesome ones in the mix.  But who really wants to hear about the good dates? It is all about the awkward, the weird, the dramatic. So here is a weird one for all of you.

It is a second date scenario - second dates are my downfall, I swear. This one had promise though, the guy (we'll call him Dean) and I had a great first date and kept up with each other consistently with calls and texts. He lives a little ways from me, so the second date was about two weeks after the first.  I was set to have a great time. We were going to see "Prometheus" at midnight (I'm a sci-fi/comic book/fantasy geek so it is right up my alley), and I was under the impression that we were doing a double date with a friend of his. Nope. I meet up at the theater with him and I'm happy to see that he's waiting outside with tickets and my favorite drink, only to tell me that his friend is third wheeling. I was less than excited, but I like making friends and luckily got on well with the new guy immediately. 

Now, here's where it gets weird.

Dean turns out to be a total movie buff - something that would be awesome if he were not also the type who likes to 'immerse himself completely.' He was totally pretentious about the entire movie experience, already critiquing the previews of Prometheus before we got in.  Which, as someone who dedicates most of her study to analyzing the form and construct of comics, was interesting but the second we hit the theater door he completely clammed up. Honestly, he would not even try to hold a conversation with me and we had an hour until previews started. He told me that he had to get into the right mindset and that he could not talk. I nodded politely and munched on my popcorn, which earned a sympathetic look from the friend who, helpfully, tried to start up talk with us, only to get shushed.  The entire time I was thinking, "Seriously, dude? You are not the one flying into space to find your creator, you'll be fine if you hold a conversation with me."  The date ended and he did not even walk me to the car or give me a kiss goodnight.  The only good thing about the night was his friend who was actually polite and interesting. Go figure.

And the real kicker? A few days ago he asked me to Spiderman and I really can't bring myself to go even with my loosely followed 'yes' rule telling me I should.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Familiar Underwear

Howdy, dear daters! It's been a while, but hopefully all is well in your love lives. I'm bringing you a guest submission from a sweet friend and reader who has a unique and perplexing situation on his hands. Here's hoping that one of you can give him a hand, so to speak. HAPPY DATING!!

An odd situation arose in the bedroom for me the other day.  My current girlfriend of a considerable amount of time and I were being intimate when I removed her shirt to find that she was wearing a brightly-colored, uniquely-styled sports bra that an ex of mine also owned.  Naturally, I had also removed this same bra from my ex, and had some interesting thoughts running through my head in that instant.  Not wanting to spoil the moment, I managed to carry on as if nothing was amiss.  Needless to say (which is a phrase I hate hearing and hate using even more), I was a bit distracted by this revelation and proceeded to last a bit longer than I may otherwise have.  This was greeted with delighted and repeated satisfaction by my love.   Though I was not specifically imagining that I was having sex with my ex, thoughts of her were on my mind while my current and I were engaging.  I felt a little odd about this and thought I might share it with you, dearly beloved DIW community.  I cannot simply ignore it, as I am certain that one day soon she will wear this same bra as we begin seduction and the same situation will play out.  Not that it wasn't enjoyable for me to please my miss well, but the circumstances made me feel less than wholesome about it. Should I surreptitiously dispose of this undergarment and be done with it?  (Here I must add that my relationship with my ex was painful, tumultuous, passionate, all-consuming, and ultimately self-destructive.  In addition, my current has some irrational hang-ups about my ex, a person she has never met and whom I have nothing to do with.)  Please help, dear daters.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The 34 Year Old Virgin

Hi, there.

No, we're not dead. Well, I'm not.

In fact, I'm a bit rage-y lately. That boy that turned me into the Southern Girlfriend? Let's just say things didn't work out and it was 100%, utterly, and completely of his doing. Oh, and remember the one I wrote an open letter to (who I've been calling Fuck You Guy)? He came back in the picture and is throwing my li'l heart for a loop. Anyway, there's a touch of background to why I'm about to share a story that sums up in a really mean thought. And yes, only a thought, because try as I might, I'm a good girl at heart.


A few years ago, I had recently broken up with my first real, long-term boyfriend. I had done the grieving (there wasn't a lot) and had gone on a few dates. I'd even spent some time out of town, but then returned to the big(ger) city. Upon my return, I met a guy at a party who was totally not my type, but I was so drunk I started holding his hand. Things just happen sometimes, right? Anyway, he was a gentleman and drove me home, making zero moves. I promptly forgot about him.

A few weeks later, I get a text from him. Turns out that a friend of a friend had given him my number, and he thought I was cute. I was flattered, and agreed to go out with him, even though I wasn't sure whether I wanted anything to happen. This one time turned into a few times, and I got to know him more. Turns out that he's what we non-churchgoers of the bible belt call a Super Christian. Along with weekly church services, little to no drinking or swearing, and general goodness, most Super Christians also believe in abstaining from sex until marriage. That's right - I was dating a guy who was a 34 year old virgin.

I didn't believe it at first. I mean, really? So I dropped some hint-y questions. He never said, "Yes, I'm a virgin," but he also never said that he wasn't, either. One night, things got hotter and heavier than usual, and he asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I was curious, so I went for it. The heavy petting continued, and he started to awkwardly undress me. All the while, my mind was racing - "Has he done this before? It's pretty awkward. What would Jesus do?" All I could muster was to ask, "I thought you were a good boy. Are you sure you want to do this?" And he jumped up, ran to his dresser, and grabbed a brand spanking new box of condoms. In response, he said, "Would a good boy have these?" In my mind, I thought, "Why, yes, yes a good boy would have a box of condoms that he bought roughly 6 hours ago," but my mouth played along and said, "No, I suppose not."

Anyway, things kept going, and if you've ever stolen someone's innocence, you can guess how bad it was. He placed himself very much in charge and was not open to any suggestions. My comfort and pleasure were not important, and there was only one goal in his little mind. It became more and more apparent that he was, indeed, a good boy. Once his mission was accomplished, I got dressed and left. We kept in touch, but just barely.

Here's the part that I love, though. To everyone else he's ever met, he's still a virgin. To his fiancée, he's a virgin that will be giving himself to her on their wedding night. To his friends, he's as pure as the driven snow. I have friends who are married to his best friends, so I know the truth of this to a very comfortable degree.

Knowing that he's harboring this sinful secret, I really, really, really want to tell someone. The ultimate fun would be showing up at his wedding and speaking up instead of holding my peace. But really, in the society of this little corner of the word, I'd ruin his life and end his marriage before it started. Instead, then, I'll bite my tongue and keep my dirty secret. My uncomfortable, zero fun, sinful little secret.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Martyr Syndrome

This post may be a bit of a vent, but hopefully some of you can sympathize and/or back me up on this.

Do you have friends, family, coworkers, or whoevers that just LOVE to be the ones that are put out? They'll stand because someone might possibly want that empty chair; they'll ask for something and then complain when they finally get it; their favorite phrase seems to be "No, really, I'm fine. It's not that bad."

I have a friend like this. She's the friend that ended up in our "group," and she never quite got completely eased out. Her life is so rough, as demonstrated by the following email excerpt:

We're getting married in the fall. I'm actually finishing up save-the-dates,now. It's both nice having him here, and irritating at times. As excited as I was, for the first time in several years I've got no personal space or "alone time" which will take some adjustment.  He's selling cars in a nearby town, which causes me a lot of stress too.  However, it's a job and all I told him was find a job so he did just that.

Let us examine this statement. Her fiance moved across five states to be with her, but now she doesn't have enough personal time. She TOLD him to get a job, but doesn't like his job. She has everything she's asked for - nay, demanded - but it's never enough. Evident in this is the total control of the martyr. Their ability to complain is based on the fact that they control so much in their lives.


How does one handle this? Laying down the law doesn't seem to help - it just fuels their "woe is me" fire. One can try to prevent indulging their whims, but that's usually easier said than done.

Have you dealt with someone like this? How did you deal?