Saturday, July 17, 2010

Dear Serial: I'm all out of love

Dear Serial,

My girlfriend is a smart, pretty, kind, funny, loving and rad woman. She's my best friend and I love her deeply. Only problem (there's always one, right?) is that I'm not attracted to her anymore. I'm also not sure if I'm still in love with her, but I care about her so much and love our friendship that I don't want to break up.

Any advice?


Dear Anonymous,

I have so many questions. When you say your girlfriend is smart, pretty, kind and funny, are you, you know, saying “she has a good personality”? Like, does she have a very pretty face? Is she really beautiful on the inside?

You know what I’m getting at. Are we looking at a few too many relationship pounds?

If so, I sympathize. Not so much with you, but with her. Goddamnitall if it isn’t hard not to plump up when you’re in a relationship. All that love and acceptance. The joy of cooking for and sharing meals with your honey. But if those pounds have gone from pleasantly plump to too much cushion for the pushin,’ it’s time for a chat. A loving, kind chat. Though there’s really no easy way to go about it. You’ll likely hurt her feelings. Try telling her you want to get healthier together. You can use a line like, “And just imagine how well our clothes will fit!” Naturally, you’ll mean, “You can finally pull those skinny jeans out of the back of your closet!” But I wouldn’t suggest actually saying that line.

She might be pissed, but unless she has a really good reason for getting fat, like having a kid, or an injury, it’s reasonable to expect she keep in shape for you, just as it’s reasonable for her to expect you to take care of yourself. Now, you can’t expect her to stay the same size forever, we all get a little bit fatter as we age (and if that rule doesn’t apply to you, well you can just go ahead and eat shit), but within reason, it’s OK to say, “Let’s get to the gym, sweetheart.”

Now, if it’s not that something she can control has changed, but it’s just that you don’t love her anymore, why are you still with her? For friendship’s sake? She probably has enough friends. You’re her boyfriend (or girlfriend, I can’t tell). If it’s just that the spark’s not there anymore, have you tried to get it back? Do you care to? There are things that can be done. You know them. Try something new. Go on a trip. Talk about whatever your problems are.

But if it’s really not happening, why not just dump her? If you’re not attracted to her, you’re not doing her any favors by sticking with her. She didn’t sign up for a friend, did she? She signed up for a more-than-friends situation.

Love, Serial

Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Want to tell her how full of shit she is? Do it. We dare ya. Send a note to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com


Shiny Rod said...

Sounds like someone needs to watch Shallow Hal. Then decide if there is still no love there and move on and send me her phone #.

FabuLeslie said...

Ha! Yes, please, just break up with people you don't love anymore. And then go to therapy before trying to date someone else. Because your "not being attracted to her anymore" is about you and it will happen again with the next one unless you don't do something to try to change YOURSELF. Jerk. Wait, what? Sorry. Got a little carried away there...

Harriet said...

So true. She sounds like an amazing woman, that any decent man would be ecstatic to have!

PS: Love you Serial. Your so kick ass.

Anonymous said...

No mention or suggestion that the girlfriend has a weight problem. Where did that come from? Why is it a weight problem for the girlfriend? Wild guess at best.

Maybe it's the plaintive who is overweight. Or the advice giver who assumes automatically that others share her problem?

Serial Monogamist said...

Hey AnonyMcSmartypants:

Did you read the part where I said I sympathized with her if she'd gotten chubby? I didn't say that cause I was skinny and single.


Queen of the Rant said...

Just came across your blog and i really enjoy it, poor girl, I don't know who to sympathize for here, him or her,

always single and dating said...

Bottom line is you are no longer attracted to the person, whatever the reason. It's time to move on so she can also move on to find someone else to be with.

But don't be that guy who breaks up then cant find what he's looking for, then come crawling back for another chance. If you end it, make sure it's done for good. No turning back

Trent said...

Dating can be a fun game or a dangerous one. Many guys get emotionally attached to a woman that is no good for them. I think it's wise to see the signs and get out fast. Dating is weird!

Great(ish) Expectations said...

I was in a relationship with an amazing guy who treated me like gold. He was really hot, and I was attracted to him in the beginning, but then I lost my attraction to him for absolutely no reason that I could fathom. I also wasn't in love with him anymore, but he was such a wonderful person and we got along so well that it was hard to give up that friendship. But I did it, and I don't regret it because now I can find someone that I'm passionate about and he can do the same. Sometimes what we think we want doesn't turn out to be so.

Queenie said...

This post made me hungry!!

single parents dating said...

You're not attracted to her anymore and you don't know how to breakup with her.. right? We'll I know its hard but you have to tell the truth.. Tell her your true feelings. Tell her that its you who has the problem and not her.. something like that..

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Wasn't this published in the Source's advice column?

Serial Monogamist said...

It fucking better not have been published in the Source.