Friday, April 20, 2012

The 34 Year Old Virgin

Hi, there.

No, we're not dead. Well, I'm not.

In fact, I'm a bit rage-y lately. That boy that turned me into the Southern Girlfriend? Let's just say things didn't work out and it was 100%, utterly, and completely of his doing. Oh, and remember the one I wrote an open letter to (who I've been calling Fuck You Guy)? He came back in the picture and is throwing my li'l heart for a loop. Anyway, there's a touch of background to why I'm about to share a story that sums up in a really mean thought. And yes, only a thought, because try as I might, I'm a good girl at heart.

Ahem.

A few years ago, I had recently broken up with my first real, long-term boyfriend. I had done the grieving (there wasn't a lot) and had gone on a few dates. I'd even spent some time out of town, but then returned to the big(ger) city. Upon my return, I met a guy at a party who was totally not my type, but I was so drunk I started holding his hand. Things just happen sometimes, right? Anyway, he was a gentleman and drove me home, making zero moves. I promptly forgot about him.

A few weeks later, I get a text from him. Turns out that a friend of a friend had given him my number, and he thought I was cute. I was flattered, and agreed to go out with him, even though I wasn't sure whether I wanted anything to happen. This one time turned into a few times, and I got to know him more. Turns out that he's what we non-churchgoers of the bible belt call a Super Christian. Along with weekly church services, little to no drinking or swearing, and general goodness, most Super Christians also believe in abstaining from sex until marriage. That's right - I was dating a guy who was a 34 year old virgin.

I didn't believe it at first. I mean, really? So I dropped some hint-y questions. He never said, "Yes, I'm a virgin," but he also never said that he wasn't, either. One night, things got hotter and heavier than usual, and he asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I was curious, so I went for it. The heavy petting continued, and he started to awkwardly undress me. All the while, my mind was racing - "Has he done this before? It's pretty awkward. What would Jesus do?" All I could muster was to ask, "I thought you were a good boy. Are you sure you want to do this?" And he jumped up, ran to his dresser, and grabbed a brand spanking new box of condoms. In response, he said, "Would a good boy have these?" In my mind, I thought, "Why, yes, yes a good boy would have a box of condoms that he bought roughly 6 hours ago," but my mouth played along and said, "No, I suppose not."

Anyway, things kept going, and if you've ever stolen someone's innocence, you can guess how bad it was. He placed himself very much in charge and was not open to any suggestions. My comfort and pleasure were not important, and there was only one goal in his little mind. It became more and more apparent that he was, indeed, a good boy. Once his mission was accomplished, I got dressed and left. We kept in touch, but just barely.

Here's the part that I love, though. To everyone else he's ever met, he's still a virgin. To his fiancée, he's a virgin that will be giving himself to her on their wedding night. To his friends, he's as pure as the driven snow. I have friends who are married to his best friends, so I know the truth of this to a very comfortable degree.

Knowing that he's harboring this sinful secret, I really, really, really want to tell someone. The ultimate fun would be showing up at his wedding and speaking up instead of holding my peace. But really, in the society of this little corner of the word, I'd ruin his life and end his marriage before it started. Instead, then, I'll bite my tongue and keep my dirty secret. My uncomfortable, zero fun, sinful little secret.

HAPPY DATING!

37 comments:

Unapologetically Mundane said...

I know he's not technically a BAD person, but . . . I want to see him ruined.

Emily said...

Ha, great post, thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Wow... I'd almost find it amusing to send a completely anonymous letter.

Frenchie said...

So, update. He got married this weekend, and I did not attend. His pictures look marvelously awkward (thanks, Facebook) and his secret is safely kept.
However, I'm now seriously contemplating an anonymous letter. :)

Megan Jones said...

After reading this post a couple times, I am not sure why you are so upset. He seemed like a pretty nice guy and didn't do anything to maliciously hurt you. So the sex was bad, whose first time is good? I am not sure why you are so upset by him choosing to not tell people about a personal event that happened between the two of you. Yes, he may be lying to those in his life, but how does that effect you?

JAB said...

I was married to a very good Southern Baptist girl for 3 years, so I can relate to many parts of this story (or as many as a man, I guess.) It was all about how things appears and not how life actually was.

I really enjoy reading your blog.

http://advancedapathy.blogspot.com/

swifty_bird said...

An amazing story! I cannot imagine a guy telling everyone that he's a virgin (I dated a few guys who swore that they were not virgins, while they actually were one).
I wonder if this is some kind of guilt that makes him so compulsive in his sexual behaviour..

stephen86 said...

Super Christians have a dark side they hide I know this cause I used to be one. I finally said screw it and opened up to reality and the world....ahhhh so much better

Romantic love said...

Ha, great post, thanks for sharing!

dating advice online said...

I really enjoy reading your blog.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you fell for the old "I'm a virgin" line? That's almost as cheesy as the "I think I might be gay" one.

How many women do you think he's used that line on?

Frenchie said...

Hey Anon -
How about read my piece before you comment next time? He never said he was a virgin, so no line was used. Got it? Nice.
Cheers -
Frenchie

Sandy said...

Great story please share more about your dating experience.

Janice said...

hahah funny!

Curious Observer said...

Good story. Even Super Christians make mistakes. Perhaps he was too embarrassed to admit that he did the deed extremely poorly. Who knows. But it was funny!

Free Christian Dating Site said...

Interesting story.I think you should not be upset.Make it as usual.Go on..

Nick said...

Oh well, christian boys are like that most of the time. On the other hand, very "christian" of you to keep the secret so kudos for that! After all, all things in life are paid for eventually, one way or another. I can only assume his conscious will wake up at some point and when it does, things will get ugly.

Dating Chat Rooms said...

You're evil, but it's fair! I know for sure, that the more you refrain someyhing (especially sex!) the more you want it. I wonder how he managed to lie to everybody, but I'm sure that one day all his lies will be revealed)

AS said...

Thank you, that was a funny story, I guess for all intent and purposes he is still a virgin given his performace - ha ha!

peter eckels said...

i think this guy needs his old balls cut off... and replaced with nylon ones, because he's got enough clueless brass to do that... but not the brass balls to be a real man...
I want to hang him by his feet on a 440 volt line... and let Melissa have the switch...lol..
serves the idiot right... I'm still single, because I can't find a clean woman in Baltimore, MD

Mumbai Escorts Service said...

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Sirano said...

That happens... hope he didn't do that on purpose!

Girl Gets Ring said...

I think this whole thing is about maturity. It's really hard to not have strong sexual feelings, and difficult if you are fighting the urges. You shouldn't fault him. He's only human. He's trying to do things the way he was raised, and honestly -- it's hard to grow to the next level until you have "done the act"...at least as a man.

But regardless, your post seems to be all about sex. I mean that's what happened here, but there's way more to it all than just that, and you didn't have to comply.

James said...

I think you should send that anonymous letter. I can't imagine anyone would tell people that you're a virgin at 34 years of age! But hey, I'm sure he's happy now...

Lynn said...

Wow this is surprisingly similar to a situation that happened to me in college. Southern Baptist guy, didn't tell me he was a virgin till after. Then didn't speak to me for a few weeks. I moved on, then he starts calling, texting, emailing, etc. claiming that I "raped" him. I didn't realize it was possible to rape someone while they were on top? I ignored him, and it stopped for a while. Then a few weeks later it starts again, THIS time it was that he was in love with me! Oh man, what a whack job. Maybe 6ish years later he friends me on Facebook. I think its ok since he was married with a young daughter. Well, the first time we were both online he starts messaging me saying that I was "the one that got away" and he can't stop thinking about that night. Dude! It was a one-night stand, YEARS ago, and you are crazy! No more "super" religious people for me, I don't care what religion!

jewellery said...

Maybe the guy was a real virgin, and therefore after the dating, he is not more virgin to the world and does not keep telling the world that he is still. I'm a Chistian man who was virgin until 24, i met a girl, fell in love and surprise? had premarital sex. after that i had to be honest and tell the others when asked if i was virgin, i had to say no, simply.

a present for you!!

african woman said...

This topic seems to amazed me. I haven't met someone who is still a virgin at that age. Today, I doubt if there are still guys who are still virgin at the age of 30. Even a 15 year old child enters pre-marital sex in U.S. particularly.

Anyways I understand how you feel and why you are so upset with him! Life must go on.

Cheers for your wonderful topic!

Anonymous said...

Wow lots of judgement from a whole lot of very immoral people.

Filipino girls said...

interesting post , i really enjoyed reading this. This is very rare now a days because most of girls now are not virgin already but you , you've made.

Brody said...

So was he really a virgin?

Russianladies2 said...

Absolutely comical. I remember my first experience. It was one of my mother's friends. I was training her in the gym for body building. She was a long, lean 31 and I was 19. I was so uncomfortable and despite her gentleness, her getting a warm wash cloth after my 2 minutes, and her total understanding, I really didn't talk to her much after that. I realized I had hurt her. I did apologize to her years later. Even though I saw that she had forgiven me, I realize I just didn't understand how much she cared for, and maybe even loved me until years of relationship study revealed this fact to me. I also thought of myself as a virgin after that first encounter, but at about 31 myself, I finally became honest with myself and others. I'd seriously invite the guy out to a cup of tea and tell him you don't appreciate his dishonesty. Then, you can feel complete and his reaction or actions are left on his side of the street and you don't need to give any more thoughts, feelings, or energy in this direction again. Let it go. for russian women

Anonymous said...

well I guess I have to make a comment since it about christianity and their views. We should all rethink this as it is he who is without sin cast the first stone. it is a good story and has its merits, for both sides of the coin. He lied to himself and thats sad. He has to live with it and should he ever look back he always see it. But God is a forgiving God. God always is forgiving his children and we are all his children, even when we make mistakes, no excuses ive made my share of them. bur then I am human and a man I love a well turned ankel as teh saying goes. and a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. But if you lie to yourself and say im not moved by that girl on the corner whose short are bit to tight, man own up. Men women were placed here to complete us not for us not over us but next to us to be appreciated ad loved and cared for. ok enough preaching. but to ruin him is to sink to his level, why belittle yourself? be the better Woman or man and forgive him his ignorance and hope others will forgive you yours.

Anonymous said...

I really don't see the big deal over him being a virgin it's not like it matters for anything other than some experience anyways..

Russin said...

Great story, dating is weird indeed, but dating is also fun and so much more ...

Anonymous said...

I knew a 36 year old virgin 2 years ago. Last I checked, he still is. People make a bigger deal of it than you'd think. Apparently, for him, it's just a bad cycle: he claims women don't want to continue dating him because of his inexperience, therefore, he never gets a chance to have the experience.

Anonymous said...

had something similar happen, only he wasn't a christian. and he's not speaking to me any more. awkward, awkward. but at leat i'm not that bothered.

Anonymous said...

you did say that he never said whether he was a virgin or not. no one except one person has even remotely said what I am about to say: if he is telling everyone he is a virgin after sleeping with you, then chances are he wasn't to begin with.