Thursday, January 7, 2010

I love you, internet

My first boyfriend was an anarchist. An anarcho-syndicist, to be precise, and a young student of philosophy. Big Nietzche fan. So, naturally, he didn’t believe in “love.” I did, though. And I was in love.

I wanted desperately to tell him I loved him, but I was terrified of saying it first. So I moped, and pined, and whenever he said anything that began with “I love …” I froze in anticipation. The sentences always ended with something like “this slice of pizza” “this weed” or “Hegel’s dialectical method.” Maybe, if I was lucky, it was “I love your ass.”

So finally, one drunken evening (Now, I can’t remember how far along the relationship was at this point. I felt like we’d been together FOREVER and would be together FOREVER and that my soul was his soul, and that there was no other love like ours, but in reality it had probably been a month. That’s the equivalent of a decade when you’re 15), we were laughing about something, and I did something really funny, I have no idea what, and he laughed, “I love you!” And apparently the look of soaring joy on my face was too much for him, and he explained that he didn’t mean it THAT way. So, naturally, I cried.

And since then, in relationships, I still have never said the “L” word first. Not-a-once. A lot of women I know don’t. I will ask a man out, I will tell him where to put it (literally and figuratively), I’ll take all kinds of risks in relationships. But the “L” word? No way.

What about you, gentle readers? Do you say the L word first? What’s it like?

p.s. Do any of y’all do this twitter thing? I do. Find me at


Unapologetically Mundane said...

I said it to Kamran, and I didn't care that he might not say it back, because his feelings didn't affect mine. Of course his not saying it back could've affected the way our relationship progressed from there, but I'm one of those people who feels like I might burst if I don't say things when I want to.

Which is why I get in fights so often on the subway.

Anyway, I don't want to be with someone who can't handle that I get attached too quickly. Even if it means I come off crazy sometimes.

LaMo said...

I've only said it to two guys. The first when I was 14 and he said it three days into the relationship. That should have been a clue.

This time I said it first. Like U.M. I have a hard time keeping things to myself once I've made that kind of decision. I was pretty certain I was going to hear it back, though, which I did. It definitely had me nervous, though, to go out on that limb. It can be a flimsy one.

Write up your alley said...

Why is this post called, "I love you, Internet"? Did this first love find you on the webs?

Serial Monogamist said...

Ha! No, people didn't find love on the internet when I was 15. There were only creepers in chat rooms. I didn't even have an email address until I was 18.

I was just trying to show how much I've grown! I can say it! I love you, Alley!

Dot said...

sad story! good thing you dumped the chump!

a failed lover said...

Very sad
did you met him over internet

twentyinsix said...

Isn't there a saying about whoever confesses first loses?

Anonymous said...

I agree the L word is hard to say yet telling someone we hate them is all too easy. Funny since we never really mean it when we we say it. Love tends to be seen as a sign of weakness so we are afraid to show it.

tenzinandrio said...

Yeah, well, love stinks and we're all going to die lonely. So there. And no, I'm not being affected by recent developments at all.