Sunday, May 2, 2010

Out of the woodwork

How is it that ex-lovers and former flames know when you're no longer available?

At a bar the other night, I ran into the Captain. More than a year ago, I had met him through a friend. That night, I ended up at his house, on the couch, drunk, while my friend was getting it on with Captain's roommate (they preferred to call it "housemates" because they don't share a room, but finding it important to make that distinction just seems vaguely homophobic to me). At some point, I said I was cold, and he offered to snuggle. Sweet. Then I started in about how I was worried about my new puppy who was home alone in her crate, and he offered to drive me to my house to let her out. I accepted. We chatted while he drove me home, and I impressed him by knowing about Stereolab. When we got to my house, he impressed me by knowing who Frida Kahlo is. He stayed the night. More snuggling, a little making out. In the morning, we exchanged phone numbers.

For the next month, I threw myself at him. At one point I literally climbed into his bed and took my clothes off. Nothing. There was some making out, but I didn't even get laid. He never called me, and I refused to call him. Eventually, I gave up. We ran into each other from time to time over the next year or so, and I pretended I hadn't been totally rejected.

But now that I'm deliriously happy with a hotass new boyfriend (with a sexy accent)?

I ran into Captain at a concert. We chatted, he flirted his ass off. He acknowledged that he'd gained weight, referenced his new "man boobs." He said he'd since given up smoking pot. He had a new job and got to travel. At one point I said something particularly charming, and he smiled and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

I laughed.

"Seriously? You had your chance. Too late."

"I know, I really fucked that up. I'm sorry."


"Oh, you know."

"No, you can't apologize for something if you're not even willing to admit what it was."

"I'm sorry I blew it with you and didn't ask you to be my girlfriend. I should have."

I was surprised he said it.

"Yeah, you are sorry," I said. "I'm a pretty rad girlfriend."


Unapologetically Mundane said...

Stereolab is one of my hotass boyfriend's favourites, if not his favourite. I hope that when you eventually meet him, you take your clothes off and get into his bed.

Something She Dated said...


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

*high five*!

I hope at some point in my life, a dude will say that to me. Or actually all the dudes who lost the chance with me ;)

kate said...

I ran into an ex-guy-I-tried-to-date once while out with a new boyfriend...ex-guy ended up getting extremely smashed, pulling me aside and telling me how he couldn't ever stop thinking about me and how badly he screwed up. As I watched him stumble around and slur, I almost felt bad...almost. And then I left with my hotter, nicer new boyfriend (who was also a better kisser and FAAAAAAAAR better in bed).

Makes you feel pretty good, huh? You can't help but have that "I win" feeling after being able to tell the person that missed out to kiss your ass :)

dating diva said...

I love this post! And you totally inspired me to do the same thing (granted it was via text so it was a lot less dramatic- but I did think of you and Beyonce while typing it) and let the guy know he had his shot and it's too late.. felt really good! Great post

Sweet Dee

Ethan said...

I get the ones who continually tell me they wish they had been smart enough to hold on to me whether I'm unavailable or not. But I can't seem to believe they've actually learned what they say they've learned. Probablya good idea you can't go to Sasquatch with me anyway... Your "hotass" accented boyfriend probably wouldn't like it! See you at The White Buffalo if you go!

MIke Lowrey said...

This tends to happen from time to time but by no means should you take it as flattering or sweet revenge.

I'm sure he just wanted to make out for the night.

It's just something that lots of guys do. I've ignored tons of chicks who threw themselves at me, and would only talk back to them when I wanted some quick ass.

Point being that he didn't even have the decency to say hey I'm not into you, he just let you drool all over him, a good dude wouldn't handle the situation in that way.