Thursday, May 8, 2008

the butcher, the baker, the arms and legs shaver

I once dated a man who shaved.

Well, dated might be an exaggeration. I knew him. In the Biblical sense. You know, for awhile. It was a friendly hookup kind of deal. “Hey, I’m drunk. You’re drunk. I’m bored. So … you wanna do this?”

We’ve all been there, right? Right?

Hm. Well, fine. Maybe not.

Anyway, when I say he shaved, I don’t mean what you think I might mean. A lot of us trim our bits and pieces. But men who shave their arms and legs, their backs? I’m going to venture a guess here; perhaps that’s a bit less common.

The guy, we’ll call him Shiny, he used to be a stripper. That’s when he started shaving. It’s part of the act, part of the show. If you know a dude who’s in theater, he probably wears makeup. If you know a German chick on a swim team, she probably shoots steroids and has roid-induced backne. Know a salesman? He lies. And if you know, or, Biblically-speaking, Know, a stripper, he probably shaves lots more than just his stuff. Why? Well, I think the hairy sexpot dude thing went out of style with Burt Reynolds. (Or did it? Moustaches seem to be making a comeback)

So, generally speaking, the strippers, they go pretty hairless. Even Shiny. He was no skinny-boy gay club stripper, either. He’s the beefcake sort, and worked a club that focused on the bachelorette crowd. Looked sort of like a Marine. (Side note: No, Marine-style men aren’t so much my type, but, like I said, we were killing some time.)

I learned a few things from Shiny.

Here’s a short list:

1.) Beefcakes aren’t necessarily douchebags. OK, maybe that’s not such a shocker to everyone. It was to me.

2.) I don’t get how dudes put up with our prickly legs. Seriously? Ouch.

3.) While it’s fairly well known that lonely straight dudes will proposition strippers to purchase some sex (and they must get some success from time to time, one must assume), women are much less apt to offer cash. But just as likely to proposition. The difference? The chicks think they should get it for free.

I’d guess this is the ladies projecting the standard availability of easy tail for any lady at any bar on any given night. But those strippers, they’re not so easy. For one, a lot are gay. For two, a lot are taken. And three, it’s a totally different deal when the lady’s about fifteen sheets to the wind and the dude is sober as a priest. Or maybe that’s a bad example.


itinerantwoman said...

i used to date an Olympic swimmer boy who was shaved from nose to toes. maybe his eyebrows, too. his daddy was registrar of a famous Quaker college.

young baldy was nothin' like daddy, i'm thinkin. but on the rare occasions he spoke, he sure was a smooth talker.

Spatula said...

Shiny needs an introduction to photo depilation. It's the latest and greatest in body mowing! Unpainful, only need it a few times, no stubble and eventually hair stops growing AT ALL.

It probably turns you into an octopus eventually, or has some other horrible unintended consequences, but dude! No stubble!