Friday, May 16, 2008

everything should taste like bacon

Yesterday the sun finally came out, and it was the perfect day to be the perfect couple.

I came home from work and went for a bike ride with Poster Boy.
Tra la la.
We took a lovely town/river path, stopped to chat with some friends who were having a burger on the Red Robin patio.
Tra la la.
Aren't we cute on our bikes (his: BMX Cruiser hers: Schwinn)?

Just peachy.

We decided that with our sunshiny burst of energy, we might as well go grocery shopping at our local discount food mart, Food 4 Less. We loaded our reusable grocery bags up in the school-bus sized yellow shopping cart.
Whee! Aren't we green!

We headed toward the checkout line. I'm unloading the cart onto the belt, Poster Boy's distracted by something, I dunno, US Weekly? But then I see at the end of the aisle a display featuring what may be the single most wonderful invention of our time.

Bacon Salt. Because everything should taste like bacon.

"Bacon Salt!" I shout and point.

Poster boy glances over. "Oh, yeah. Ha. Bacon Salt."

"No!" I insist, "Seriously. Grab some. That's bacon salt!"

He doesn't seem to get it.

I notice it's almost $4 for a tiny jar. But really, I don't know how else to explain the necessity of this item. It's salt. That tastes like bacon. Bacon Salt.

"Come on. We don't need Bacon Salt," he says, trying to walk back toward me, away from the cardboard Bacon Salt display.

"Yes. We do. I need it. I need Bacon Salt."

I know we've been trying to be frugal lately, but this is serious.

"No, we don't."

He looks me in the eye. I stare back.

"I can't believe that this is where you're trying to put your foot down. Over Bacon Salt."

I've stopped unloading the cart. I think the cashier may be watching the exchange.

The earth's rotation seems to slow as we eye each other. He weighs the consequences. I think about Bacon Salt in home-cooked baked beans. On tomatoes (BLT without all that fat and calories!). On chicken. On a nice, juicy grilled burger.

Finally, Poster Boy smarts up.

"You want original, hickory or pepper?"

We went with original. And my scrambled eggs this morning were fan-fucking-tastic.


dkgoodman said...

Everything tastes better with bacon. And everything tastes better when it's been battered and deep-fried. And everything tastes better with ketchup.

One of these days I'm going to put ketchup on deep-fried bacon and that'll be the end of me. :)

Serial Monogamist said...

Favorite Homer moment (not exact, from memory):

"Butter that bacon, boy! And bacon up that sausage!"

Rhys said...