Wednesday, December 2, 2009

How to Maintain Fuck Buddy Status

Part One: Make a Breakfast Burrito

Many friends, acquaintances and talk shows have told me over the years that it is impossible to stay fuck buddies with someone. Reasons are that either emotions get in the way because one person wants a relationship and the other doesn't or that it ruins friendships, as sex often does. However, I'm happy to report that I've managed to pull it off in multiple instances, so I'd like to share my knowledge with those of you who are committed to establishing and maintaining a fuck buddy relationship. So, I present to you a series on how to maintain fuck buddy status.

First, we must weed out candidates who do not belong here. It is true that most fuck buddy situations get screwed up when one party develops romantic feelings (rather than purely lustful feelings) for the other party. If you are the type of person who can't engage in sex without developing these sort of emotions, turn back now. Accept yourself for who you are, and wait patiently for a relationship. Also, if you do not drink, this course is not for you.

It is true that sex ruins friendships. So don't be fuck buddies with your friends. If you want to maintain fuck buddy status, you cannot be friends with your fuck buddy. The only reason you should hang out with your fuck buddy is to fuck. Are we clear? Yes, you can go out drinking and engage in other activities with your fuck buddy, but all of these activities should be seen only as a precursor to fucking.

So, now that we've eliminated the emotional types and we've established the First Habit of Highly Effective Fuck Buddies (don't be friends), we can move on to establishing the fuck buddy relationship. This is important because without the proper steps, a fuck buddy arrangement can easily become one of the above scenarios. If a friendship or romantic feelings develop, you and your fuck buddy are fucked.

Both times I've established and maintained fuck buddy status, it began with getting drunk. After you're sufficiently sloshed, find your target. Your target should be someone you kind of know but who is not part of your circle of friends. Maybe it's a bartender who at least recognizes you from previous visits. Maybe it's a friend of a friend of a friend (notice three degrees of separation, not two) or someone who you have "seen around campus." College is, of course, the ideal time for fuck buddies. In a nutshell, your target should not be a total stranger, and at the very least you should know that this person actually lives in your city. So let's hope you are intoxicated enough to continue to the next step, because you've got to be pretty bold for this part. You must make it clear to your target that you are interested in having sex, right away, that night.

What happens after your target accepts your edict is really only your business, but the next morning is crucial. If you're at the target's house and you sneak out without saying goodbye, this encounter is destined to remain a one-night stand. Same goes for if you are the host and you kick your potential fuck buddy out as soon as you wake up. The appropriate thing to do if you are hosting is to make your potential fuck buddy breakfast. Make something casual and simple, like a breakfast burrito. Don't make a big deal out of it; this might be read as a sign that you are trying to establish a relationship. No, if you want to get yourself a fuck buddy, you must prepare a breakfast that says "I care about you just enough that I don't want you to be hungry." If you are not hosting, eat it. Say thank you. When you are done, go home. You don't need to say why you are leaving; just leave.

This concludes Part One of How to Maintain Fuck Buddy Status. Tune in sometime later to read more, including appropriate activities for fuck buddies, birthday etiquette, text messaging and appropriate discussion topics.

Some Sexpert


"Slightly Disheveled" said...

Oh, Swede Jeebus. Could these people please just wear t-shirts or tattoo something tasteful a swastika on their foreheads?

Or have some sort of secret handshake so you knew when you were getting one and not the real thing?

hunter said...

sounds totally lame.

Serial Monogamist said...

Well, I, for one, am quite curious about part two, especially if it covers birthday etiquette. I mean, it's hard enough to figure out what to do in a new relationship when you're actually dating, if there are rules for what to do for a fuck buddy, I'd like to hear em.

Karen said...

Good advice. I know it can be done but it is not for me. I just feel yucky when I sober up.

The Duke of Ted said...

Mostly, I'm curious how I go about getting a breakfast burrito from my girlfriend? (hint hint, I know you're going to read this)

Shiny Rod said...

Who do you think I am, Charlie Sheen? I'll pass on the breakfast burrito, let's just fuck!!!

Mike Lowrey said...

Lol, the first 4 paragraphs are true but aren't a super's common knowledge.

But there isn't a fool proof way into obtaining a fuck buddy. You just gotta use the force young Jedi.

Most chicks aren't built this way.
I'm not saying it's not possible. I'm just saying it's rare.

What is more practical is to have those ladies in your life that care about you and want to be with you but don't mind hitting you off whenever you pick up the phone, no matter what.

Try it SG's way and you'll get young college chicks or chicks you wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole that had a condom on at the end of it.

For ladies to have a male Fuck Buddy can be tricky because it requires a man that is mature enough to play his position.
Lots of guys have don't have any sense or self control and that will fuck up thigs for you big time.

You must know your fuck buddy well especially if your in a relationship or are dating.

Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Hm, but what about a friends with benefits situation? Then you are friends. Can that be a new series? I'm trying to figure out those rules at the momento. Tricky.

kit said...

ll the alcohol here is horrendous. I mean, the stuff is bad for sex and bad for informed decisions. like consent.

Inkwell said...

I guess I'm still new to the FWB/ NSA/ Fuck buddy thing...

Me and a friend of the opposite gender bone on occasion, we love each other, but know that we prefer the same gender. We cuddle, we talk, we have other relationships. Is this not normal?

I mean, we only go at it when we're both horny and need a stress reliever... Do we need a category to fit into?