Part One: Make a Breakfast Burrito
Many friends, acquaintances and talk shows have told me over the years that it is impossible to stay fuck buddies with someone. Reasons are that either emotions get in the way because one person wants a relationship and the other doesn't or that it ruins friendships, as sex often does. However, I'm happy to report that I've managed to pull it off in multiple instances, so I'd like to share my knowledge with those of you who are committed to establishing and maintaining a fuck buddy relationship. So, I present to you a series on how to maintain fuck buddy status.
First, we must weed out candidates who do not belong here. It is true that most fuck buddy situations get screwed up when one party develops romantic feelings (rather than purely lustful feelings) for the other party. If you are the type of person who can't engage in sex without developing these sort of emotions, turn back now. Accept yourself for who you are, and wait patiently for a relationship. Also, if you do not drink, this course is not for you.
It is true that sex ruins friendships. So don't be fuck buddies with your friends. If you want to maintain fuck buddy status, you cannot be friends with your fuck buddy. The only reason you should hang out with your fuck buddy is to fuck. Are we clear? Yes, you can go out drinking and engage in other activities with your fuck buddy, but all of these activities should be seen only as a precursor to fucking.
So, now that we've eliminated the emotional types and we've established the First Habit of Highly Effective Fuck Buddies (don't be friends), we can move on to establishing the fuck buddy relationship. This is important because without the proper steps, a fuck buddy arrangement can easily become one of the above scenarios. If a friendship or romantic feelings develop, you and your fuck buddy are fucked.
Both times I've established and maintained fuck buddy status, it began with getting drunk. After you're sufficiently sloshed, find your target. Your target should be someone you kind of know but who is not part of your circle of friends. Maybe it's a bartender who at least recognizes you from previous visits. Maybe it's a friend of a friend of a friend (notice three degrees of separation, not two) or someone who you have "seen around campus." College is, of course, the ideal time for fuck buddies. In a nutshell, your target should not be a total stranger, and at the very least you should know that this person actually lives in your city. So let's hope you are intoxicated enough to continue to the next step, because you've got to be pretty bold for this part. You must make it clear to your target that you are interested in having sex, right away, that night.
What happens after your target accepts your edict is really only your business, but the next morning is crucial. If you're at the target's house and you sneak out without saying goodbye, this encounter is destined to remain a one-night stand. Same goes for if you are the host and you kick your potential fuck buddy out as soon as you wake up. The appropriate thing to do if you are hosting is to make your potential fuck buddy breakfast. Make something casual and simple, like a breakfast burrito. Don't make a big deal out of it; this might be read as a sign that you are trying to establish a relationship. No, if you want to get yourself a fuck buddy, you must prepare a breakfast that says "I care about you just enough that I don't want you to be hungry." If you are not hosting, eat it. Say thank you. When you are done, go home. You don't need to say why you are leaving; just leave.
This concludes Part One of How to Maintain Fuck Buddy Status. Tune in sometime later to read more, including appropriate activities for fuck buddies, birthday etiquette, text messaging and appropriate discussion topics.