Sunday, May 8, 2011

On or Off?

***GUEST POST!!***
Hope y'all enjoy this post from a guest I'm calling the Divine Miss M.
Take care, and HAPPY DATING!

So I signed up for an online dating site because it has been forever since I had a good date. I have a pretty hefty screening process and after almost two weeks of being on the site, met someone in person from the site for drinks. He was cute, took me to drinks and we talked for hours. I was unsure if he was just being nice but he ended up calling me the next day to ask me to dinner.. a place that we had mentioned at drinks and I said I had never been. How cute and thoughtful. We saw each other almost every other day, planned the next date before saying goodbye. We did nice dinners, drinks, movies, and he made me a fantastic dinner at his place. I felt like this guy could be the guy I bring to the two summer weddings I am going to... I felt comfortable enough to invite him over for Easter dinner, and he happily accepted.

However, one night, while he was going downtown (and he had proven himself quite adept), I was a little uncomfortable and wanted him to take it easy. You would have thought I just told him he was the most foul man I ever met. He was so upset that he turned away from me and completely ignored me for a good ten minutes. I tried to comfort him, I tried to play it off. I had no idea what to do. He spent the entire night going back and forth about how he ruined everything and then convincing me that he was fine when I told him I was going to go home.

We seemingly worked it out, but I noticed other things: how nervous he was that I would not like something he did or the food he made or the movie he picked. I felt slightly nervous myself because things were going well but I have a tendency to pick at little things so maybe I was making too big a deal out of his insecurity issues. I decided that we all have issues and we could work through it.

He did not feel the same. We took a little road trip to a place we both wanted to go and on the hour and a half drive home, he told me two things: that he was falling for me and that he could not be my boyfriend because he was not stable enough.

I felt completely heartbroken... and completely trapped in his car for a whole other hour! I cried and tried to tell him that we could work through issues and everyone had insecurities, etc. Apparently, I did not convince him because he dropped me off at my house and parked on the street so as not to disturb the people I live with. Then he told me "not to delete his number". What does that mean? I am not going to be waiting around for his phone call even though he's insisting that he is crazy about me and just has to work on himself. Though, it is impossible not to think I failed somewhere along the line here. How did we go from truly clicking in every sense of the word to a complete disaster where I walked down the street in the pouring rain to my house in a dress that was supposed to get me LUCKY, and not dumped!?

Now, I will never experience fondue the same way again, and I cannot wear that dress again without thinking how sad that night was.

So, now I just wonder how long does it take to "fix yourself"?

15 comments:

A Sassy Spinster said...

It took me a year. But when I was fine again I met train-wreck number 2. Luckily a much briefer encounter so I'm hoping a shorter recovery time! Good luck!

andrea said...

I'm so sorry that happened. And Sassy Spinster, I agree with you. It took me about a year, then I fell for a train wreck, but I got out right quick too!

I'd say if he really wants this and really believes it to be true and does the work, a year.

Gosh, it just sounds like bad timing. It's really too bad!

step mum seeking guidance and solace said...

Hmmm I don't know my thoughts are...danger will Robinson...he seemed like mr perfect but what about that werird intensity? Having seen too many relationships with mental issues at play, consider yourself with s lesson learned and one step closer to the man who doesn't have those issues. I know it sucks but, if it was meant to be, it would just be....

Mike said...

You didn't fail. He did. Online dating sites are a great way to meet people, because they offer people from every aspect of life. But like meeting a partner in the real world, a lot of them are full of insecurities and things you just won't notice in the beginning. I don't feel like it was anything you did wrong in this case. He's just not built right mentally to be in a serious relationship.

Serial Monogamist said...

The way I see it, you cannot wait around for that guy. Delete his number. I know guys who broke relationships off because they needed to work on themselves, and when they were ready for a relationship, they never rekindled the old ones they'd ruined. They started fresh with someone new.

There's nothing you can do to screen out these guys. You just gotta keep trying.

Hug!

Natron602 said...

It depends. I think it can be hard to tell whether a person is being mature and honest or just making an excuse to not get serious. Did he mention what it was that he felt he needed to fix?

dating profile writer said...

I guess it takes one step at a time.

DatingDr. said...

Speaking as someone with 2 degrees in psychology and experience dating people with mental illness, if a guy is respectful enough of you to tell you he doesn't feel stable enough to be in a relationship, thank your lucky starts he didn't hide it from you as you fell in love with him, wish him the best, and move on. It's awful. I've been there. You want to support them and help them, but they need to do a lot of work on themselves on their own. Be supportive to the extent that you can. Just be mindful you don't end up with the short stick.

Anonymous said...

So what the Hell is with texting? All I end up meeting are guys that text text text me... seriously? I do not want a texting relationship!

What are the rules with texting anyway? I am so damn confused.... Are women supposed to not text a guy... How frequently should you text? Should a girl call? Not call? WTF like I hate game playing but it seems like if you actually tell a guy you like them you might as well throw in the towel cause they immediately become not interested.

Anonymous said...

So what the Hell is with texting? All I end up meeting are guys that text text text me... seriously? I do not want a texting relationship!

What are the rules with texting anyway? I am so damn confused.... Are women supposed to not text a guy... How frequently should you text? Should a girl call? Not call? WTF like I hate game playing but it seems like if you actually tell a guy you like them you might as well throw in the towel cause they immediately become not interested.

Nicole Smith said...

I experienced that too. But it has never lose my hope. I moved on, date again when I'm feeling good again. Happens always.

Devon Brown said...

The time it takes to "fix" oneself depends on the amount of issues the person has to begin with.
Thinking that someone caused another person's problems is a just incorrect. We are all only responsible for ourselves first. Only then can we be responsible for others. If your partner is not yet responsible for himself, nothing can make him responsible for you or a relationship.

- Devon

Diana Sesarin said...

I also found my couple on the online dating web.

Jennifer said...

It sounds like he could of been playing games.

Mel @ Dubious Dating said...

Delete his number. If he gets his stuff all worked out, and he is ready, he will call. But he needs his space to deal with him. I had to learn this the hard way, with an ex who had as many problems with depression as I do. Only difference was: I was in therapy and taking medication and he seemed to have no idea that he was depressed. It took such a toll on me and our relationship, and now we can never go back. Even after he's had time to work on him, he hurt me too badly on tres #1 and #2 that I can't fathom going back for #3. Good luck!!