Friday, August 22, 2008

Exes and their condom wrappers

When The Dude and I split up, I knew he’d go for some rebound humping. Of course he would. That’s what they do. My request, though, was that he not do it at our shared apartment until I’d moved out. Just don’t bring the Skanks to my house while there are still photos of my nieces and nephews on the walls. I’m sure the Skanks would also appreciate not having to look at my sweat-stained bra straps spilling out of my underwear drawer. Plus, my mother gave me those sheets.

He agreed. Or so I thought.

So. Even though The Dude was out of town, I was sort of couch-surfing. I had planned to stick it out in the apartment until my new place was ready, but I had decided that in addition to my mostly amicable split from The Dude, I also needed to break up with Roommate Guy. I think the moment I decided that was when, on a Sunday morning, I discovered that Roommate Guy had gone halfway to emptying the trash. A for effort, buddy. But no. Not really. You don’t leave a putrid bag of refuse on the kitchen floor when it’s 90 degrees out and you have no AC. Follow-through is key in things like taking out the garbage.

On second thought, maybe it wasn’t that exact moment that I decided to break up with Roommate Guy. Maybe it was when, upon returning from taking his trash out to the dumpster, I went into the bathroom and nearly stepped on a turquoise blue Trojan wrapper. I guess he wanted me to know he was being safe.

Weeks later, I stopped by the bachelor pad to pick up some things. It seemed impossible to avoid the place completely while I was living La Vida Couch Surf. I wandered through the empty apartment with a grocery bag, stuffing in my black shirtdress, my hair straightening serum, plus a can of Pam and a handful of Q-tips. I walked into the bedroom, the bedroom on which I was paid up for the rest of the month, the bedroom in which photos of my family hang on the wall, and one thing jumped out at me right away. A condom wrapper. Or really, in fairness, just part of one—the hastily torn off strip of silver. It lay just under the ledge of The Dude’s nightstand. Of course I picked it up. Silver Durex. Glinting with lube.

After I regained consciousness and got my breathing back to near-normal, I called The Dude to ask him about it.

“Well it’s not fucking mine.”
“Really? Because it’s not fucking mine.”
“I swear. It’s not mine.”
“Wow. You must think I’m stupid.”
“What? No, I don’t know, maybe I’ll ask Roommate.”
“Roommate? Who has his own bedroom? Roommate who has a Costco-sized box of Trojan condoms in his bedroom?”
“What, you think I’m lying?”

Hm. Yes?

The Dude didn’t talk to me for quite awhile after that. Here's my question: Why wouldn’t I think he was lying? Of course he was, right?

Was my request unreasonable? Or maybe, maybe the Skanks liked the illicit nature of it all, walking up the stairs of our apartment looking at pictures of me and The Dude with our arms wrapped around each other, maybe the Skanks look at the pictures and thought, falsely, that they were cuter than me, and maybe they got some sort of satisfaction out of their bullshit skanky delusion.

Maybe he just wanted me to know he was being safe?


Write up your alley said...

Revenge in a condom wrapper.

c.vance said...

i collect condoms.

not like those novelty condoms found in dispensers above urinals in the men's rooms of dive bars--- those that specifically say: For Novelty Purposes Only. those condom dispensers where failed creative people alter the sticker texts with markers or scratch away at them with a knives or coins (whichever is easier to come by)--- making sentences out of sentences. turning:

Hold two quarters together and insert in slot.


Hold *** ******** *****her and insert in slot

or into:

Hold *** ******** ******** *** in*ert in slot

or turning:

Glow In The Dark Condoms


*low in the *ark Condoms

there are more - many more creative ones - but women read this and we cannot give away our secrets. one time i told a table of women that my favorite colour was "urinal cake pink" and you'd be amazed at how many of the other sex don't know what that is. each gender has its own secrets and i'm not going to give ours away here.

it's not that i don't like the idea of glow in the dark condoms--- playing hide-and-go-seek or making yourself a makeshift magician making it disappear in the dark ---but i have a problem with someone saying the purposes of which i would use them for would be Novelty Purposes Only.

i collect normal condoms--- used.

not used by strangers, this isn't weird. no. i collect normal condoms used by me and whatever woman was with me who didn't want all of me in her.

they line my walls, hanging to dry--- like flowers. in their way, they are more beautiful than roses. in their way, they smell better than roses.

for awhile i was pressing them in books but it took away some of the charm of fluids holding that original form and the fluids krinkled the sheets of books like it sometimes does to beds...

so now they hang on my walls like accomplishments--- like comicbooks did in high school; like cigarette packs did in college. i will always need some superficial marker to remind me i'm another story/pack/fuck closer to something...

c.vance said...

why the lube?
was he fucking another guy?
maybe he was using it to finger his own ass so he would have shit-finger for a few days--- and was too embarrassed to tell you?

Serial Monogamist said...

a) "why the lube?"

It was a lubricated condom. There wasn't like a bottle of Astroglide next to it or anything.

b) "i collect normal condoms--- used. not used by strangers, this isn't weird. no."

I beg your pardon? That is weird. And pretty fucking disgusting. So let me get this straight: You bring women into your room, in which there are crusty old used condoms pinned to the wall, and they still fuck you? Really? Or do you only go to their houses, and before you sneak off, stuff the drippy bits into your pockets so they get all linty?

Maybe I don't want to know. I doubt very much that they look or smell like flowers.

SGLoughlin said...


itinerantwoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Write up your alley said...

c.vance. I hope this is not your real name, because that condom info is pretty over the top.

I mean, don't they smell?

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