Sunday, August 17, 2008

Attack of the Phantom Peeing

**Editors' Note: This week's guest post comes from "Settles for Better" and thank god for it because after reading this doozy of a story, we hope whoever SFB is, he or she does settle for better.**

It would be a few years before I learned the extent to which alcohol affects the sleeping mind. But when I had my phantom peeing incident, I figured that I was the only person who acted strangely after an evening of heavy drinking.

In college, I would sometimes sleep-walk to the wrong dorm room and promptly pass out in someone else's bed. I also had been known to sleep-sort through a friend's closet. I imagine I was looking for the perfect blouse.

After college, these events happened less, as my partying waned.

That was until I came to Bend. It was three years ago and I soon realized that me + bad date + alcohol = nightly wanderings. Or worse.

I had been dating the guy for a couple weeks. A friend set us up. He was older and a successful businessman in his field. A little lacking in the hair department, but heavy in the brains department. Almost immediately, I knew I should have liked him more. I knew other girls did. But it just didn't click. And like the immature person that I was/am, I continued seeing him, even though I was only in it for the free dinners and drinks.

One night, it was all over.

After a nice dinner, we went back to his place to watch a movie. I sat on his clean white couch and proceeded to drink a whole bottle of red wine. He barely had one glass. Every time he would try to put the moves on me, I needed to get up and refill. We played this game until he caught on. That was when I got very tired and needed sleep immediately.

He offered his bed. I hopped in, not even bothering to take off my boots. Apparently, my refusal to take off any article of clothing greatly offended him. Some sort of drama ensued, ending with him turning on his light to read some silly sci-fi book and me pretending to sleep. Then I did sleep and I dreamed about peeing.

It was one of those blurry dreams where I couldn't find the bathroom, it was too dark, I couldn't see, so I sat down to pee in his closet. Then, he noticed and pointed me toward the bathroom, where I think I found a toilet.

A woke up a few hours later, in darkness and suddenly scared. Oh, my god, I thought. And then a wave of nausea passed over me as I realized that my alcohol-soaked memory couldn't tell the difference between a drunken dream and a drunken reality.

Did I just pee in that guy's closet?

The world may never know, because I got the H out of there and never spoke to him again.


Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, you're an alcoholic. It takes on to know one.

Serial Monogamist said...

Oh Jesus Christ, is this site already getting crazy anonymous comment douches?

Guest, I don't think anyone reading this one post has enough information to diagnose you.

And I'd rather be an alcoholic than a d-bag. But that's just me.

Anonymous said...

Denial and anger, two classic and expected reactions. Honey, go get help now, before it's too late. And I don't think Jesus had anything to do with this. But he might be of some help to you.

Serial Monogamist said...

So I'm an alcoholic now, too? You did notice that the one calling you a projecting wack-job is not the writer of the post, correct?

But please, Captain Anonymous Expert, tell me, can you diagnose me with something Jesus can fix, or will I need medication?

Write up your alley said...

Anon., I hope you were kidding. Especially because your post included a typo.

If we start diagnosing the authors on here ... whew! ... sweetheart, it's going to be a long night.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, but you sure sound like you know how to have a good time.

Anonymous said...

I was an alcoholic and a Muslim terrorist until baby Jesus sent two lovely young men to my door who sold me a bible. Fixed me right up!

Thanks JC. I owe you one. (PS- You were great last night...)

Anonymous said...

I can't believe this happened to someone else. I was dating a guy, that's a lie, I was sleeping with this guy who got really drunk one night, got out of bed, opened one of my dresser drawers and started peeing, I woke up and was so baffled couldn't do anything. Besides, I was afraid if he turned around quickly it I would get my first golden shower. He crawled back into bed and I jumped up, grabbed the drawer, threw it in the tub, water etc.. grabbed a blanket and slept in the chair. Never invited him for the night again. T