Monday, November 10, 2008

Bedspring Symphony

Having your mattress on the floor without a bed frame is probably the best way to combat this. For those of us who have a frame, though, things can get a bit noisy. In my experience lots of moving and packing and hauling tends to weaken the joints of the bed frame, resulting in squeaky screws.
I was finally going to the next level with B. We'd been dancing around it for awhile, but in the past we were usually so drunk by the time we made it to bed that we just had some heavy making out sessions before passing out.
This time was different.
When I first climbed into his bed that night I noticed it was a bit on the squeaky side but thought nothing of it (he hadn't had this bed frame in the past). During our very intense making out and foreplay the bed pretty much kept to itself.
It wasn't until I climbed aboard and things really got rowdy that the noise level of the bed struck me as odd. His neighbors could probably hear the rhythmic metal-on-wood squeaking across the parking lot.
It caught me off guard and threw me a bit off my game. Luckily, that lasted about a second before my focus was back on the pleasure at hand.
Still, though, can't he take a screwdriver and tighten that thing up? To heck with the noise, I felt like the bed might just crumble underneath us.
I wasn't sure if I should laugh about it or what. I didn't want to make fun of him for the bed he sleeps in, but can we really just ignore something like that? It's like the big, squeaky elephant standing in the room watching us hump.
The next night I was more prepared. I'd like to get B over for a few rounds in my quiet bed.


c.vance said...

someone who posts here once solved this by having a futon--- not those big, thick, good futons. no. the thin ones that not even GoodWill will except and resale because no one wants them. and maybe it was because a wood frame would sometimes squeak? maybe because a wood frame would cost $19.95? whichever, they put it on the floor. a poor parody of a crack house (every crack house i've ever been in had a mattress on boxsprings, even if those were on the floor instead of on legs...)

it's the absolute safest way to make sure your roommates don't hear any bedroom noises--- because you'd have to be insane to stick around after seeing that bed.

SGLoughlin said...


fuck you c.vance. you came back at least twice.

Serial Monogamist said...

eeeeeeeeeeeewww .... blogger sex

dkgoodman said...

Is it safe to have a relationship with someone who blogs or reads their poetry in public? Loose lips...

S.G.Loughlin said...

oh and you misused except. you meant to say accept as in to take or receive, not reject.

c.vance said...

mr. goodman says one of us has loose lips---
there are so many "so he was on the crappy futon, too?" jokes to be made with that.

and i did fuck up an almost homonym; that's horrible of me. that's why you don't drink wine when you wake...

and that is wrong, of course.
i did not come back to THAT bed, not even once. they were other beds in other places... or couches... or barroom floors. something.

dkgoodman said...

"mr. goodman says one of us has loose lips"

Did I say that?

SGLoughlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
June said...

Am I the only one who thinks that can be part of the fun? Like when you're on a hollywood frame with wheels and roll halfway across the floor?

SGLoughlin said...

let the insinuation that c.vance and i ever exchanged anything more than a fuck you and knowing glare hereby die.

dkgoodman said...

disinsuation is so sad

itinerantwoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
June said...

Oh god, itinerantwoman. You just gave me shower nozzle masturbation fodder for the next month.

Thanks a lot.

Robert Wiesenberg said...

You know C.Vance and Slough.. While this appears to have been a flash in the pan experience. You are both caught in a famous situation and I wish to quote scripture to ease both your minds.

Back in Black (1980)
You Shook Me All Night Long

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

'Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -

Shook me all night long

Working double time
On the seduction line
She was one of a kind, she's just mine all mine
She wanted no applause
Just another course
Made a meal out of me and came back for more
Had to cool me down
To take another round
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing

'Cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -

Shook me all night long

I say break the goddam bed and If your roommates are laughing at you the next morning and you high five them when your blushing and tears of laughter goes away.. Congrats.. You're human and likely swimming in that ol good sore feeling !!

Luck be a lady said...


c.vance said...

oh, come now---
we had to have exchanged more than that.

tazome said...

I have to admit that my ex and rocked the boat a quite a lot on his old box spring. We didn't just wake up roommates, but neighbors down the block.

However, when it came time for him to move, he lifted the box spring to find that there were deep scratched in the hardwood floors from the bed shifting back and forth. I was mortified, my ex was in hysterics and his Dad just looked at it and said, "That's what happens if you have too much rough sex."

He got rid of the box spring when he moved and we just crashed on the mattress. It was quieter (even though I wasn't) and it was safer for the floor, especially since he wanted the deposit back on this apartment.