Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Numbers

*** many thanks to c.vance for sending us this post ****


this is a story of love in numbers.

541 815.3504--- that's my number. used for a great many things.

some women have it programmed into their phone because they know i'm the only one always awake at 03.00; ready with colorful slurs or flattering lies.

some women have it programmed into their phone because they know i'm always awake between 02.00 and 04.00-- when the bars are closed and the only friends i have are cuddled next to people they love --and the flashing ring of my name lets them know no one has died, no one is in trouble... it's a displayed WARNING! HAZARDOUS IF OPENED on the screen of their flip phone. reminders of mistakes made and a lesson learned: never give your number to a drunk.

some acquaintances have used it to ask for $500 bail and a ride out of the cop shop.

some acquaintances have used it to ask for help moving because they fear the man they're moving away from--- standing by the door at 6'3" 200 lbs. to watch over her moving everything, staring down the X and not helping because of a hangover, a bad back and temper waiting for ignition.

most often it is used by creditors asking for $1.000's i don't have.

but, 3 weeks ago, it was used in a new way. it adorned the bottom of a flyer tacked to the middle of a bulletin board at PleasureWorld; a porn shop on 3rd street.

the 1st call was a weekend night-- 02.14 --from a man who had a restricted number and a gruff voice; one of those voices that calls Craigslist adverts looking to buy $5 refrigerators to compliment the other 4 in his yard. either a redneck or a classically trained actor schooled enough to fool these ears bred from South Carolina stock and born in Prineville. called to say:

-Yeah, I'm calling about the add you posted 2 days ago.

-I didn't post an add 2 days ago. You have the wrong number.

not given any thought until the 2nd call, 3 days later, at 16.14. a young man lisped sexual propositions into my phone. graphic; but with a trembling voice that sometimes squeaked. responded:

-I'm flattered, sweetheart, but I think you dialed the wrong number.

-Oh. Oh my Guh-a-od. Stho you din't postht that 1 add?

-What 1 add?

-Oh... I'm stho embarathed. Y'know, that 1 add? At PleaschthureWorld?

-Nope. I don't know. What did that 1 add say?

-Oh. Jezthus. I'm sthO sthorry. It... uhm. It sthaid, "20-sthomething man stheeking company. I'm diztheasthe free but you don't have to be." I'm sthorry, I thought---

-That's funny. And explains the call I got 2 nights ago.

-Oh. Did you... do you know hith number?

that's where i hung up. dialed 411 where a Southern operator told me i had the wrong city and state for DisneyWorld and there were no listed amusement parks in the area. only after spelling it out and yelling:

-It's a porn shop on 3rd street.

did she transfer me to a computer telling me it would dial 5.4.1. 3.1.7.9.7.2.3. for an additional $382.13 or 4 Euros. a woman stopped the ringing by answering with the business name in a voice that made me hope she had good penmanship. said:

-My phone number is 541 815.3504 and I believe someone posted an add down there as a prank. Maybe on a bulletin board?

-Let me see. 3504. 3504. 35--- oh. Yes. Here it is. So, even though this is your number, you didn't post it?

-Yep. Even though it is my number. Can you read it to me?

-Sure. It says, "NEED DICK NOW!" That part is all capitalized. Then it says, "Neat, clean-cut mid-20's male seeks 8" black cock. White cock OK if larger. I'm disease free but you don't need to be. Call: (541) 815-3504." Then it says, "P.S. I'm a bottom." So, you didn't post it? Even though it is your number?

-I did not post it. Even though it is my number.

-Oh. Okay then. I'll take it down. Oh! You know what? I bet 1 of your friends did it! Y'know? To be funny?

-I only have 2 friends and they're... hm. Of a different humor, let's say.

-Oh. Then who would have had your number, then?

this was a story of love in numbers. 541 815.3504 is mine. if you were kind enough to post an advert trying to find me sweet man loving, let me have your number to properly thank you

5 comments:

Miss Adventures said...

This really happened?? Funny as hell, someone was just trying to find you some loving is all.... ;) too bad I can't take credit for it, it wasn't i.

SGLoughlin said...

I really wish I could take credit for that. Really really.

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

Well, that cleared up precisely one thing: the identity of the person who sent me the 2 a.m. overly involved drunken text insulting me via screwball Katherine Hepburn / Carey Grant flick a month or do ago. Nice to know. I suppose I should put you on my "flip phone" as "c. vance" so I can feel the "HAZARDOUS IF OPENED" next time. Maybe you will have moved on into 1940's Light Musical Comedy by then.

And no, it wasn't me either.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who this C.vance character is, but he has some awesomely angry exes. Keep it up, dude.

- Owl

Anonymous said...

It's funny...my guess is he loves it that way. And they're never really exes unless you actually date 'em, right?