Sunday, June 14, 2009

Regarding Fatties

Dear Serial Monogamist,

So, I've entered the wonderful world of internet dating (and yes, I know, I should submit something of my own to DIW and I will do so after having a few liaisons under my belt). Anyway, so far so blech. Not a lot out there on the interwebs, at least not on the sites I've visited.

Anyway, I've gotten a few conversations going and then asked for a pic. Upon receipt of said pic, I've immediately been, like, "nope." I want to be really clear, and I'm not into lying, so in my next email I say "I just don't see it. Good luck to you." Since you're a member of the fairer sex, what do you think about how I'm responding? Yes, its entirely based on their uglyness, or extreme fat-itude, but oh well. I'm not just looking to date a nice person, I also want someone at least somewhat hot and I'm not going to pursue anything with people that aren't at least a 7 out of 10 on my personal scale.


Mr. Rodgers

Dear Mr. Rodgers,

OK, let’s start out with some linguistics.

I think you would be well-advised to be careful about using terms like “the fairer sex.” You know, like, um, EVER.

See, Fred, I know you’re not trying to get into my panties, at least not at the moment, but nonetheless, “The fairer sex?” I mean, when you use language like that, you’re likely to come off sounding like either:

A) That jerkoff with a goatee who tries to sound all ironic all of the time but who really just ends up giving away in a sarcastic, “who really believes this garbage?” tone what it is that he really thinks of women, namely, that we’re hyper-sensitive, weak-willed, and prone to hysteria (which, if you’re dipping your hairy little toes in internet dating, you’re only MORE apt to believe)

B) Some sort of renaissance fair guy who is, at this very moment, wearing crushed velvet pantaloons and drinking something you call “grog” that is really only apple cider mixed with Monarch rum, a guy who thinks it’s sexy to talk down to women so that it'll be this big fucking surprise later when you admit you just want to get tied up in a dungeon somewhere, but: Hey! It's no shocker! Your cat is named Azrael! We saw this one coming, dude.

or C) Some guy who just trying his honest-to-joe-sixpack-best to make a throwaway joke.

Even if the answer’s C, why’s it worth the risk of being seen as A or B? It’s not. I guess the moral of this particular rant is this, Freddie: Don’t talk down to me as an opener. Which, I guess, brings us on to the current topic.

Don’t string the fatties and the uggies along. There are dudes out there who can, and will, love some bigole chubba rolls and even a brilliant goddess with a cleft palate.

But: It ain’t you, babe. If you really feel bad about telling them off just after you get the photo, then try to get one more email with content out of them, and then suggest it’s something in that email that turned you off their fatty-ugg-ass-scent.

She’ll know anyway. But why put you both through the awkwardness of the in-person meetup before turning them down for being such hags? It’s painful, it’s pointless. Let their humiliation be electronic.

You also never said whether or not you were attractive. Maybe all you have to do is send a pic of yourself back to the ug-trons. Maybe then you’ll be the one getting the “yeah, I don’t see it, good luck,” e-mails.

Stranger things have happened in this neighborhood.


Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Just want to tell her to shut the crap up? E-mail her at seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com.

Or not. Who needs you?


Marla said...

Well said. :D

dereconstructed said...

The real question here is what the hell is SM's problem with the Renaissance Faire? What can be more pleasing to the eye and the spirit than men in velvet pantaloons treating ladies like ladies, like how they want to be treated?

Serial Monogamist said...

Um, my problems with the "Renaissance Faire" begin, again, with linguistics. Anything spelled WRONG to be cute is a problem. Shoppe. Faire. Magick. Womyn. Barf. Bahrf. Barffe.

Of course, that's just where the problems begin. Next let's talk about giantess gingers stuffed into low-cut dresses a size or three too small ...

Anonymous said...

Wow...this blog is pretty hilarious.

But why does it look like poop? (Literally...what's with all the brown grossness?)

Serial Monogamist said...

Good question T. I've never been a fan of the color scheme myself. We need a designer in this place.

Know any single designers? Send me a number.

Anonymous said...

Fatuous query/response from would-be dater to would-be advice columnist. Hard to imagine anyone less qualified to be giving advice. In previous post, would-be confused obvious social satire with cyber-bullying. Evidently incapable of distinguishing general social commentary from personal attack. Dull and paranoid. Get counseling.

Anonymous said...

"Hard to imagine anyone less qualified to be giving advice."

Wait, isn't that the point?

Anonymous said...

I'd start by just not communicating with anyone who doesn't send a pic with the first email. Maybe the person's just shy, but there are good odds that the person is not that attractive and is trying to win you over with his/her personality.

Not that's there's anything wrong with that, but anyone really concerned about looks should beware.