Sunday, July 5, 2009

Modern Girl's Guide to Being Dumped

If it’s been awhile since you've been dumped, ladies, here's a warning: A few things have changed, but others have stayed exactly, excruciatingly, the same. Here’s a short to-do list to get you started:

• Wipe away literal tears.

• Pull up metaphorical britches.

• Apologize for that text you shouldn’t have sent.

• Dust off your dating blogger pen.

• Change facebook relationship status from “In a relationship” to “single.” You can leave it blank for awhile, but why? Embrace it. You’re single.

• Update your Netflix queue. You don’t need to get his action movies, or the first season of Flight of the Conchords, which you’ve already seen but just rented so you could show him how awesome it is. Pick out every girly-ass movie you wanted to watch but had to bargain for. Been longing to finish watching Sex in the City? Fancy some cheesy musicals? Go for it.

• Get his shit out of your house. All of it. And don’t use the exchange of stuff as an excuse to “see how he’s doing.” He’s probably fine; or at least better than you are.

• Re-program your speed dial. It’s hard enough to avoid drunk-dialing. You don’t want to do it by an honest mistake.

• Send in a couple of the meanest things you want to say to Don’t cc him on the email.

• Buy more wine.

• Find yourself a hot tub.

• Work out like mad.

• Rebound. Rebound early, rebound hard, rebound often. (With someone in his band, if you can pull it off, if not, someone who plays a different instrument will do).

What am I missing, dear readers? Or for the fells, what’s the same/different when it comes to your “dumpee” list?


Anonymous said...

Don't go on the internet for 14 days after breaking up.

No. Don't. No bullshit excuses. Business and personal are separate. Stay offline.

kittycalhoun said...

I also like to re-hash the now ex's negatives (e.g. teenie weenie, self-absorbed, godawful morning farts, brokeass, etc). Write it out if necessary, as many times as needed. My most recent ex was not in a band at the time, but I did manage to bang 3 of his fire-fighting crewmates (one for each year of our now-deceased relationship) and 2 of his childhood friends in the next few months-- slutty, awesome, and empowering all at once. Also, if it was a particularly wicked break-up (and definitely final--this could backfire if you actually think getting back together is a viable option), burning mementos and old jeans of his can be great. In the "returning-stuff-department," I stuck some old naughty polaroids that I knew he favored into some of his books (cd's or albums could work, too)- either he would come across them and have some break-up regrets, or (hopefully) the next unfortunate to date him would. If all else fails, buy some cheap dishes and/or glassware from a thriftstore, and go break some shit-- pretty effing satisfying. Those shiny Xmas ball ornaments make a super satisfying *pop*, too.

Serial Monogamist said...

"Don't go on the internet for 14 days after breaking up.

No. Don't. No bullshit excuses. Business and personal are separate. Stay offline."

The internet is business?

Sarah said...

delete him from your facebook, its so hard not to spy on him and see what he is up to...DELETE! delete him from your phone, your facebook, your email, and your life!! hooray single life!

Hot Alpha Female said...

I loved this post. Not only was it informative but it was hilarious!!

I love this quote " Rebound. Rebound early, rebound hard, rebound often".

heheehe had me in tears - I even tweeted about it!!

These are all pretty much the core steps one needs to take in order to get over a breakup!!

Right on =)

Hot Alpha Female
The Only Woman You Should Take Dating Advice From

Latest Post: I like Him ... Now what?!

Samantha said...

What do you do with jewelry? It depends on the guy it was from but usually I can't wear it and won't ever want to. And it's kinda lame to give it back. Unless they want it. But what guy has asked for anything less than and engagement ring back?

Serial Monogamist said...

Jewelry? I haven't had a b.f. give me jewelry in ages. I'd say sell that shit.

itinerantwoman said...

re: the jewelry, if it's an engagement ring, the dumpee gets to keep it (legally).

SM, you forgot one of my favorite actions after being dumped (not that i've ever been dumped, obviously), and that's setting the dumper's hair on fire.

if he's bald, his house will do.

Eve said...


Dating Is Weird said...

I hear taking a secret lover helps?

plumpdumpling said...

I, uh, wish I had an awesome Innanet pseudonym like . . . Hot Alpha Woman.

Blurgh. It creeped me out even to type that.

hackneygirl said...

I hacked my ex's facebook account and updated his status to: xxxxx xxxxx has been cheating on his girlfriend.

He didn't spot it for a good few hours and as he doesn't often use FB I have no doubt someone had to give him the good news. Probably his new squeeze.

I also changed the locks. It made me feel better.