Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Dating Married Men

Dating a married man is a bad idea. (Yes yes, I know. Duh. But before you get too comfortable on your high horse, don't assume you know why unless you've also had several unfortunate experiences with married men or women. Then ride 'em cowboy. My hat's off to you.)

Dunno why or how, but I have the tendency to attract married men. I chalk it up to the absence of anything remotely similar to a wedding ring. My friends theorize it's because I also have this tendency to be somewhat naive about a man's intentions. Either way, whatever. Married men love me.

My first experience was in college with one of my former instructors. We dated (after I was done with his class) for about 5 months. I don't remember why we broke up, but it had nothing to do with a wife, whom I didn't meet until 3 years later. She called me one day while I was at work.

"Hello?"

"Is this S.G.Loughlin?" asked a heavily accented female voice.

"Yes. Who is this please?"

"I'm Ramon's wife. Have you contacted my husband lately?"

Shocked. Utterly shocked. I'm opening and closing my mouth silently like a fish.

"Uh. Yes? I guess I just emailed him a few days ago."

"Well I want you to stop. Never contact him again. He is my husband. You leave him alone or I will be forced to do something to you. Did he tell you I am his wife and I have his baby? Leave him alone..." Her English was good enough to threaten bodily harm but not quite good enough to explain how the hell she got my number or what the royal fuck?

According to her, they'd be married for the last five years but she had only recently come to the U.S. (they're both West African) and learned he had been having affairs. Mind you, she's calling me years after we dated, threatening physical violence, though I'm not sure she meant to actually threaten me given English was her second, maybe third, language. Either way, I'm not going to investigate the matter too closely.

I agree to never contact him again - "No problem! I'll be sure to lose his and your number as soon as we hang up! My apologies! Have a nice life!" - and hang up.

A few days pass. I'm walking home and Ramon passes me in his car. He pulls over, smiling and asks why I haven't called him back.

"Are you kidding me? Because your wife called me. She threatened to beat me up Ramon. Um, hello. You're married?"

He sings me a song and dance about her actually being a crazy ex-girlfriend who hacked his email account and contacted all his friends to find out if he'd been cheating on her..blah blah blah...it's not true...yada yada.

Whatever dude. What. Ever.

Epilogue: She called me about a year after that asking for help. Evidently she tested positive for a STD and he had left her and the baby high and dry. As an undocumented immigrant, she didn't know where to go or how to get help. I gave her the number of a Planned Parenthood, wished her luck and raced to get my own test. Thankfully he caught it after we had broken up (whew!) and I was clean. I changed my number and email address.

Stay tuned for Dating Married Men: Part II.

14 comments:

Serial Monogamist said...

"My first experience was in college with one of my former instructors. "

HA HA.

"Instructors"? Like, a GTF? A graduate teaching fellow? Niiice. That's why people become GTFs. So they can hook up with chicks like you!

plumpdumpling said...

I tried to get on SO MANY of my professors/TAs and was denied over and over again. So, so jealous.

I dated one married man and longed for his wife to call me, but she only did passive-aggressive things like put relationship advice columns at his place at the dinner table.

Serial Monogamist said...

P.S. Plumpdump: We know where you live! Have you sent in your address to get some stickers mailed to you?! Because we hear there's not enough sticker graffiti over there ...

Erin said...

haha i remember this story from real life. i love the whimsical blend of hilarious and crazy.

Anonymous said...

If I was an old auntie or Uncle you trusted and loved.. I'd have a hard time telling you the old proverb about the special person whose coming down the pipe for you without smiling.. You might seek out a witch doctor or some sort of JUJU to ward off evil.. Maybe even retain a private Eye...

S.G.Loughlin said...

I knew dating was weird. I just didn't know how weird the comments on dating is weird would be.

I can't tell if I was being threatened in the previous comment, or was being forewarned about West Africans (which smacks of several rather racist assumptions) or if the special person owned the word coming (due to the incorrect use of who's vs. whose).

The best part is it's always from an anonymous commenter. Always.

Serial Monogamist said...

Wait, SGL, I think it has to do with Santa ... and maybe there's a reference in there to "looking a gift horse in the mouth" (with the allusion that the guy was hung like a horse?) ... and that Sting song, "I'll be watching you" ... and the private eye, maybe there's innuendo about the wife being a stalker and hiring a private eye, which is sometimes called a "private dick" ... so, um ...

OK. I have no idea.

Bend Oregon Restaurants said...

I shouldn't have read the comments. I have no idea what's going on anymore. Where are all the pee party posts? That's the kind of reading I come back for SGL! Pee Party Sloughlin!!!!

Maybe that will be part of Dating Married Men II - Pee Party Boogaloo.

Anonymous commentors are the worst. I think most of them are commenting on another post but got a message from AOL about their minutes expiring and ended up getting even more confused. Love em all.

S.G.Loughlin said...

I had nothing to do with any of the pee party posts BOR! Nothing! Stop searching for "pee party loughlin," it's still the #2 most searched for kw sending traffic to this god forsaken site and I know it's you doing it!

Also, AOL + anonymous poster = internoob.

Serial Monogamist said...

pee party loughlin

pee party loughlin

pee party loughlin

jessicachristina said...
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jessicachristina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Serial Monogamist said...

JESUS SPAM?!?! WTF WOULD JEEBUS DO?

Why, he'd spam a site with a lot of content about sex, out of wedlock, gay, freaky sex.

Arse.

Alex Appleton said...
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