Monday, May 18, 2009

MySpace Sucks

I had forgotten all about the hellish side of MySpace until I was cleaning out my messages last night.

Let me back up.

Once upon a time long long ago in a living room of a house I used to live in, I drunkenly hooked up with a guy I knew from firefighting. We used to work together. He was my boss. Of sorts. He was also rather attractive and knew it. We both did. Of course there was sexual tension the whole summer fighting fires. Of course he had a girlfriend. Of course she hated me even though I'd been nothing but pleasant and respectful.

Of course he didn't tell me they were still "on again off again dating" until the next morning.

"Huh. Interesting. So is the switch on or off this morning?" I asked.

"Uhhh. On. Yeah, on I guess. She would say on, so yeah. On," he replied.

Awesome.

Let me also back up to give some character development of this on-again-off-again girlfriend: She liked attention. She was loud. She was abrasive. She was attractive. She had a flair for drama. And if we had to go to blows, I might put my money on her and I don't often say that about other chicks.

In short, don't fuck with her man.

Which, I wouldn't have done had I known. But, he conveniently waited to tell until after the point of no return. Fucker.

So back to last night's mailbox cleaning.

I found the series of messages she sent in the weeks after. Oh boy. Here's a taste:

"Subject: O.P.P.

It has been brought to my attention that you had sex with the man who had been my partner for over four years. What's amusing is that he's been telling me for the last year that I'm gonna marry him and have his children. Fortunately for me, I learned (before making a big mistake) that I can't trust him.

While I primarily blame him (after all, he was my boyfriend)I also find you guilty of serious misconduct. Apparently you haven't learned or just aren't grown up enough to realise that you don't go around fucking other people's boyfriends. I must be honest, I never liked or trusted you from the beginning. It's too bad (for me at least) that I was right about you.

Let's face it, you wanted ___ from the beginning and I never tried to keep him from being your friend cause he always said he didn't find you the least bit attractive. Interesting how men can do that, screw woman they think aren't appealing. I guess one hole is as good as another if you're drunk enough and the lights are off so you don't have to see their face.

If this message hurts you in any way, I can't say that I'm sorry because nothing could describe the pain that I feel. Maybe you are laughing as you read this, or maybe you could give a shit; but on the chance that you have a shred of decency, I hope you take this to heart and realise the damage you have done. I would also take a moment to think about the fact that no bad deed goes unpunished, meaning that things have a way of coming back to you."


So ok. I felt bad. I mean, she has a point. And she even cleverly put a Naughty By Nature reference in the subject line. I didn't respond however; instead, I forwarded her message along to her "man" and said that perhaps he should look into it. He created the fucking mess after all. I thought he should be the one to clean it up.

But no. She didn't see it that way. Here's another:

"I want you to delete him as a friend from your myspace and never call him again. If you don't want to comply, I will show up on your doorstep and we can talk about it in person."

Show on my doorstep and talk about it in person? Um, no fucking way. Fuck you. Show up at my doorstep bitch?! That would be a bad idea. For both of us. Remember how I said I might put my money on you if it came to blows, yeah, not on my fucking doorstep. Bring it.

But again, I didn't respond. Simply forwarded it to her "man."

Thankfully all that died away. I haven't spoken much to him since, though he did text me a few weeks ago saying he'd be in town.

The best part? I found all the other messages from jilted girlfriends who felt it was my fault they were dating a shithead. Thank you MySpace. Thank you for allowing stupid bitches to send me ridiculous threats and for saving them for years.

11 comments:

Luck be a lady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Walter said...

Sending angry message on myspace is such a shitty and stupid thing to do.

Tom said...

The fact that the threats are conveyed via Myspace just sucks all the scary out of them.

"I'm going to kick your ass! But first I need to log in and private message you about it."

Sheesh.

Serial Monogamist said...

I love the way she runs her finger along the line of passive-aggression, "well, I guess if he wants to fuck some nasty hole in the dark who gives a shit it's not like he had to look at your face," then just jumps full boar into aggressive-aggression.

It's an interesting psychological case-study, actually.

S.G.Loughlin said...

wait til i post the other chick who went crazypants on me about her boyfriend. and i didn't even hook up with that guy.

Anonymous said...

my money's on the ex-firefighter, any place, any time.

S.G.Loughlin said...

uh. all three of us are ex-firefighters.

Anonymous said...

Take out the anger on the cheater you dated for freaking years IMO. Anything else is immature. The cheating partner is the one who is supposed to be devoted... when my ex cheated on me, I didn't threaten to shit on his new ladyfriend.

I shat in HIS cereal, instead. (Just kidding.)

Also, screw social networking.

kittycalhoun said...

Super crazy psycho bitch. Sounds like she'll do a good job digging her own hole (when she isn't threatening ppl via electronic notes). I can't even tell you how many drama stories I know (some I've played an unfortunately intimate role in) that involve firefighters. what gives? and yeah, myspace is pretty much satan's handiwork.

c.vance said...

i send you ridiculous threats AT LEAST twice a day, bitch. if there was no MySpace, Facebook or cell phones... i'd have to see your unitard face while i was saying them.

Anonymous said...

By publicly dissing (and bating) the offended girlfriend, you have greatly increased your chances of receiving an unwelcome knock on your door. But the story was great. Thanks for taking one for the team. Good luck.