Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sports Obsessions Are NOT Sexy Time

**Editors' Note: The same gal who sent us Where Were You in 1983? sent us this lovely bit about internet dating.**

I was lonely and bored, and my ex had just changed his facebook to "in a relationship" with the stripper he dumped me for. So I decided to give internet dating a try. And thus the story of Sex Blanket, as I now refer to him when warning others against internet dating.

SB seemed like a cool guy at first. Then it quickly became clear that his obsessive love of sports took up all the places in his personality where "intelligence" "humor" and "charm" should be. Then it became clear (from the multiple bumper stickers, posters and flags plastered all over his apartment, and lastly, enormous back tattoo of the school's logo) that he was a little TOO obsessed with his alma mater, a la Andy Bernard (Cornell) from The Office.

I was unimpressed and disinterested, but said loneliness and boredom convinced me that sleeping with him was an okay decision to make. I won't go into detail about exactly how and why, but it was THE. WORST. EVER. and multiple times I had to close my eyes and imagine that I was someplace else so I didn't throw up. No exaggeration, it was awful. And very, very sweaty. Him, not me.

Afterward, while I debated high-tailing it out of there and risking a DUI or trying to find a non-sweaty spot on the bed, he went to his closet and pulled out a blanket that was fuzzy on one side and kind of satin-y on the other.

"Do you know what this is?" He asked, in the wannabe suave voice that had added to my nausea.

"Um, no" I replied, terrified at what the answer might be.

"It's a Sex Blanket... you put it down before or after you have sex so you don't have to sleep in the mess afterward"

"Oh super" I replied, hoping to sweet jesus that the blanket had been washed since its last use, and wondering how the F this guy was having enough disgusting sweaty sex to necessitate a blanket of this kind.

So tell me, DiW friends... are sex blankets for real? Are all blankets with one fuzzy side and one satin-y side intended for this purpose? I received one as a Christmas gift from a female friend a few years ago and use it as a throw for my couch...

Anyway, SB and I haven't kept in touch since then, and so far all of my other internet dating prospects have produced similarly unappealing/creepy results. So for now I'm re-dating people from real life that I have dated in the past, cause at least I know what mistakes I'm making beforehand.


"Slightly Disheveled" said...

Thank you for helping me to confirm that coffee does NOT taste better going down the second time.

Anonymous said...

Good lord, no. No sex blankets, cleanup towels by the bedside, or cum socks, boys. STOP IT. We will get up and go to the bathroom to clean up, and you will figure out something discreet to do after we've left the room. Maybe have a spare sheet somewhere, but NOT satin, fortheloveofgod.

Sara said...

So I just researched this so called 'sex blanket' and from what I found it's supposed to be used during sex, not after. Somebody is a little confused. Then again, what would you expect from Andy Bernard.

Anonymous said...

wow that sucks. you know, i bet you had an awesome sister to confide in. ;)

sarah said...

that is gross! and i bet he did not wash that nasty blanket. i think i would have laughed and risked the dui!