Wednesday, April 27, 2011


After the breakup of my last ill-fated relationship, I decided to hide out for a bit. This, dear reader, is why I was home on a Saturday night to receive his call. I HAVE to share, because of all of the "callbacks" I have EVER gotten, this one is the most interesting.

He called because I "am the only sane person that he knows" and he had to talk to somebody. He just broke it off with the girl he started seeing right after I broke up with him. He had JUST left a bar where he had dumped her and during his walk home, he told me what a mess she was and all that sort of garbage. He got to his house and was smoking on his porch when he quickly told me that she was there at his house and he had to go, but that he would call me back in a few.

I texted him "Do you need me to call the police?" jokingly after about a half hour. He said no, that the police were already there and that he was watching her get arrested.

So, he calls me back and goes on and on about how she was crazy and had a drug problem and drank too much. I remained silent and smirking. I AM so much better than that and was SO GLAD that I was over him. He was slurping down scotch while he was talking. Then came the big pause: "I have something I have to tell you and you're not going to like it."

Right after I broke up with him, he called an escort service. He was dating the girl from the escort service.

That's right: not a stripper or a topless waitress, he went directly to dating a whore. A whore with two kids. He kept talking. She was addicted to crack. In the first month of dating, they had ALREADY had a pregnancy scare. She was arrested in front of his house for drunk driving... with her three-year-old daughter in the back car seat...driving the wrong way on a one-way street. She had a key to his house. She said that she loved him. That was why he babysat her kids while she went off on tricks. Oh... and she was "really, really hot".

Did I have to explain that she was playing him for his money? Yes. Twice. "Trip" had never, apparently, actually met a whore before and must have missed all of the movies and books where the whore plays the rich guy for his money. He asked me what he should do. If he should break it off.

"It depends on how much drama you want in your life. If you want a psychotic crack hoe having your baby and really want to pay her monthly for the next 18 years, I'd say no. You should stay with her for a while. It will be very exciting... like watching COPS. If you don't want a crack baby, I'd say that you should change your locks tomorrow morning and never talk to her again."

He ask me if I'd go to drinks with him the next night. I politely declined. He changed his locks and is shopping for a psychiatrist.


Faolan Riley said...

Okay tell this guy to please break it off..pronto. He should really go to some counselling or something because his choice in certain kinda crazy. You should never go back with him. He has problems and he needs to throw it on someone else, not you.

colinhand said...

Slightly Disheveled's tone is quite smug. In my opinion, a little too proud of having the last laugh on her ex (who sounds like a well-meaning sap). I'm picturing her with a glass of Pinot and a big shit-eating grin on her face, leaning over her keyboard typing this out with delight. SD might want to seek some therapy for her unresolved self-esteem issues.

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

Colin Dahling, that is not Pinot. That is a delicious, tall, frosty pint of Schadenfreude. The only thing that amuses me about this situation is that he used his break-up as a preface to ask me out again. While this is a thing a lot of guys do, few of them preface the question so eloquently with reasons why I should never see them again.

Brendi87 said...

wow, that is quite a call back. that's karma for him. usually we women can bounce back rather well compared to a guy. i think it's because we take the time to grieve while they take the time to sleep around, and get with anyone who makes them feel wanted. when i asked my ex how he was and he said, "ok", i was like yes, because it showed that he wasn't all there aka happy. the sad part is that he won't realize his mistakes yet, but at least i noticed them and after 4 months got the closure i needed to move on.