Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Tweezed Out

**Today's guest post comes in from "G. Ross"**

I'm sick of DIW. Sorry to say, but I am. It has way too many stories from chicks who just rip on dudes. Makes me wonder if it's become a front for a bunch of angry dykes who don't know how to actually be with a man.

I digress.

I'm sending this story in about a woman I began dating a few months ago to try and offset all the male-bashing going on. This site used to be better. It used to have stories from guys about the very real phenomenon of crazy chicks. What happened? Where'd c.vance go? My father always taught me that if you're going to bitch about something then you better be prepared to try and fix it. So here's to you pops.

S**** and I began dating after a heavy night of drinking. Blah blah...one night stand...turned into a first date....and here we are hanging out four months later. She's a cool girl. Into a lot of the same stuff I am. Doesn't run her mouth too much and when she does, it's not complete inane blathering. So she's got that going for her.

Everything's been going great. Good sex. Decent conversation. Not overly clingly. Just great. Until a few nights ago when I walked in on her in the bathroom.

Now my pops also told me that women have bags of tricks that men should never, ever try to open. This is what makes them female, he said. Appreciate the magic but don't try to understand the magic. Apparently the bathroom is where women practice their magic. Wish he had told me that one.

We'd just finished having sex and S**** jumped out of bed to "freshen up" as women-folk like to say. Ok, fine. Whatever. About 12 minutes go by. My need to pee is pretty intense by now. I originally thought she'd take no more than 5 minutes. How much water do you need to splash down there to freshen up ladies?

How wrong I was.

I finally say fuck it and knock on the bathroom door. No answer. Dude. I need to piss. Bad. So I say fuck it again and open the door.

S**** is kneeling on top of the sink, inches away from the mirror, plucking hairs from her nipples. She screams when I walk in and falls off the counter. I am so startled I just stand there, mouth gaping.

She begins yelling at me about fucking knocking and bum rushes me out of the bathroom. I am too bewildered by what I saw to do anything except allow her to shoo me out. I go to the porch and take a leak off the side of it. Thank god for dicks.

We haven't discussed it. Thank god. It's weird though. The image in burned into my mind. Sometimes it flashes while we're having sex and I go to suck on her tits. Weird dude. Fucking weird. Chicks are weird.

16 comments:

Shiny Rod said...

I am giving up trying to figure them out. My brain almost exploded from the exchange on the Ass posting. Plucking hairs from her nipples? Thats a new one on me. Doesn't plucking cause the hair to grow in thicker? But it sounds like you got a pretty good girl there. Thank you G Ross

Serial Monogamist said...

She really chose an odd time to take care of her bidness.

Miss Adventures said...

Again, this is why men need to be armed with shield and sword when approaching dragons in the bathroom. Or knocking louder would help too....

itinerantwoman said...

christ, no! she's a mammal! eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaagggggggghhh!

June said...

RE: "for a bunch of angry dykes who don't know how to actually be with a man."

Hi Rossypoo.

Now, I don't know all the women who write for this site, just a few. And I wouldn't put it past them to munch some box from time to time (nor would I fault them for it, because, um, HOT), I think your assessment misses the mark. Generally the current, sexy, rowdy, loving sack of man's not really so into being blogged about. So out of respect, women who blog about dating often leave out the current Mr. Rightnow and write about Mr. Nevergonnahappenagain.

And who wants to hear about the awesome, caring, sweet, snuggle and grope session I had this morning anyway? God, I don't even want to hear about it. I know the Anonymous masses who hate everything sure as fuck don't want to, either.

Christine said...

The fact that she noticed she needed a little grooming when she looked at herself in the mirror naked isn't weird. She noticed something amiss and didn't want you to notice it.

The fact that you can't get the image of it out of your head? Now THAT is weird.

Anonymous said...

RE: "for a bunch of angry dykes who don't know how to actually be with a man."

I can't believe that homophobic crap didn't get edited out. I read (past tense) this blog daily and am a dyke, thought not angry or man-bashing (gasp!). I'm done with this blog.

For the record, it's very rarely about not being able to keep a man, and it's ignorant to say so, although men like that make me grateful I'm gay.

Serial Monogamist said...

Last anonymous:

I'm sorry you were offended by the homophobic blather, but I disagree. Dating is Weird is not the kind of site that should edit out offensive content. I feel that way whether the site offends grandmothers, christians or dykes.

Anonymous said...

Noble sentiments, Cereal, but DIW does in fact edit offensive or inappropiate content on a selective basis. Occasionally misses on both sides of the issue, which is understandable.

Serial Monogamist said...

DIW edits offensive material? I don't think so. I think it just gets rejected.

SGLoughlin said...

As one of the editors of DIW, I can officially say that the only thing we edit for is shit grammar and misspellings (which we don't always catch, unfortunately). Serial is correct in that if someone sends in material whose only purpose is to offend, then that doesn't even get published much less edited. We have published things that have offended me, but DIW isn't my personal blog upon which I paint the world as I wish it were. Just to clear up the editorial policy debate.

Anonymous said...

God forbid a girl would pluck a hair. And what would you think if she didn't pluck and you found that she had one or two stray hairs around the ol' nips? It's fucking no win for us ladies who were born with something as gross as hair anywhere on our bodies besides our heads.

Brad Tucker said...

Oh man, that is a doozie. I have my share of burned images that Sara left for me. Eee!

Scott said...

I don't understand why she would bother to tweeze out nipple hair, and I don't understand why you could give a crap. This is some shallow shit.

Sorry, but it is. Really? C'mon.

plumpdumpling said...

I agree that no man should have a problem with this, but seriously, sister, these things are best done in the safety of your own home. This is precisely why despite basically living with my boyfriend, I still keep my own apartment that I pay $900 per month for to visit approximately once a week.

Mike Lowrey said...

This one is hilarious.
I'm just gonna be real.

When I just finish having sex with a chick; she has only done two things.

She has either gone to the bathroom to take a quick tinkle or cleanup (usually only a quick 2-3 minute process) or (and this happens about 90% of the time) we both roll over and are knocked the fuggout in sleepyland.

I've never had anyone right after sex start jump up and start grooming themselves, ordering shyt from QVC on tv, playing solitaire or bust out doing shadow puppets!