Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Better Late Than Never

**Makes sense this would come in from an anon.

A few years ago an ex of mine (who dumped me), died. We'd lost touch, but I heard about it through old friends. What sucks is that she was quite young. What is weird is that after hearing of her death, I had a few dreams about her. In the dreams she was yelling at me (in our two year relationship she never yelled, ever) and telling me how horrible I was at relationships. So I started thinking about her and our relationship and recognized that she was right, that I really was bad at being in a relationship. I communicated rarely and when I did I was aloof and distracted. I am ashamed to say that I think I went for months without looking her in the eye. I judged her for her inability to find a job, I criticized her for her shyness at parties, and one time, oh god, I even called her fat.

No wonder she dumped me, though at the time I remember feeling it all as quite unfair. At any rate, the realization that I had been such an asshole, no, that I'd actually been way worse than just an asshole, I'd been a mean asshole, hit me pretty hard and I was filled with massive remorse. All I wanted to do was apologize -- but she was DEAD! Frankly, the whole thing was really kinda sad.


itinerantwoman said...

crap, that's rough; but your title is optimistic and, one hopes, correct. no doubt the ex would have been pleased to think she could teach you a lesson from the grave.

the closest i've come to a nervous breakdown was when my ex-husband died suddenly. unlike you, i didn't want to apologize--i wanted to yell at him--probably something i should have done during the marriage. like your ex/you, my ex taught me something from the great beyond: to say what i believe and draw a line in the sand before it's too late. consider it a sort of mitzvah--a blessing, eh?

Mike Lowrey said...

Live and learn dude.

No need to be all down about it now.
Nothing you can do to make it up to her.
Apply that wisdom to your next relationship, and live life to its fullest.

Just a little food for thought...go and get a plate!

Shiny Rod said...

Unfortunate that you were not able to express this to her when she was around. It could have turned around a relationship going bad. It is said that confession is good for the soul so this may help you in healing. Sorry to hear of the loss. It is never an easy thing to discuss.