Dear Serial,
So, I'm back into the dating scene again after a 15-year hiatus, and am totally clueless about protocol, etc. I figured that you, Ms. Serial, as a renowned and infamous serial dater, might have some advice on first dates, having had SOOOOOO many.
So, I have a date tomorrow with a friend of a friend. We're planning to go out for dinner, and I'm unsure about the whole payment thing. I mean, it used to be that dudes were always expected to pay, but when I was dating before, that wasn't always the deal. I mean, some women were actually offended by that and felt like if the man paid, there was an expectation. Plus, this is a reaaaaallly casual date. I have no idea if I'm at all "into" this woman. I'm kinda just wanting to go on some dates and see how it all works again.
So, should I pay or not?
Mr. Completely Out Of the Loop
Dear Mr. Cool (nice work on that one, by the by),
Yes. Pay for dinner.
Love,
Serial
OK, cool, sorry. You probably were looking for some justification on this one. So just to be sure, I surveyed women of various ages, and all said that yes, they want a man to pay for dinner. One response was, and I'm not making this up, "If he wants a blow job he'll pay."
Now, I'm not saying buying dinner automatically entitles you to a blow job, you'll have to show up with flowers or something in order to earn that (and not roses, for the love of god). Most women will go on a date with the expectation that she might have to pay half. One woman said that she always takes enough cash to pay for half of dinner and a cab ride home. Now maybe my sample's unenlightened and anti-feminist, but ... there's a good chance that a lady who's going to go on such a traditional first date is not exactly avant-garde.
Personally, if I go out with a guy, and offer to pay half (I always offer), and my cash doesn't get turned down, I assume he's not that into me. So, I guess if that's the message you want to convey, then by all means, split the check. Hell, try to get her to pay. That could work out really well for you, I guess. Perhaps she's rich and looking for a kept man? Stranger things have happened.
XOXO Cool,
Serial
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17 comments:
Umm.... I was really expecting to get torn a new one on this question. Please, in the future, tear me a new one.
Thanks,
Dating Idiot (MR. COOL)
Well, Mr. Cool, I guess you can send me a description of the date, and we'll post it here, and I'll criticize and judge you.
I'm sure you fucked something up.
xoxo,
s
Dear Mr. Cool,
Are you out of you friggen mind? First date dude, pull the wallet out and don't even blink. Your here to impress the date not make her feel your a cheap tight wad SOB. No date is causal unless you are taking your mother out. I know, some women prefer to go dutch but don't let them. It's a plot. Yes and bring flowers and candy too! I said flowers, roses are for when you know you like her and really want to "seal the deal".
Even if the date doesn't go as planned, pay for the cab too! Remember, you asked her out so you need to make sure she gets home safely.
Ok, with all that said, go out and have some fun and most of all, be a gentleman. You know, open the doors, pull her chair out, offer your coat if she forgets to bring a wrap and thank her for the date when it is over.
Oh, am I to old fashion? I mean, they still taught etiquette when I attended school. Jeezum crow, what is the world coming to, casual dating and such?
Um.... Dude?
I can understand that you haven't dated in 15 years but that's no excuse for just plain ignorance.
Since the Cave Man days dudes have paid for dinner especially on a first date.
I don't agree with not going with the roses. Roses are traditional, yet classy. Majority of ladies are into roses especially on a first date. But in any event don't show up with something that the florist had in the discount bucket. If you want to go outside the box a nice assorted arrangement is always a good look if traditional isn't your style.
(fellas over here...I'm going rogue right now!!)
If you want to get at it...you pay the damn check...EVERY TIME. It's only until after you get at it do you start splitting the check.
It is ok to allow her to pay for dinner anytime after the third date
only if she strongly insists.
Don't go half-sies, it shows the woman that your either your a broke dude or that your not interested (MAN-LINGO not interested - means she's not hot enough for you to spend your money on).
And by the way the term blow job is sooo 1980's. New term for it is Becky.
You're a rookie so chances of you getting some Becky on the first date is like 0.
But keep it cool, don't act weird and you'll be off to a good start and maybe by date #3 you'll see some type of action if you guys click.
Best to leave the fast moves to us All-Stars. When you're at all star status getting some Becky is a given on the first date ;-)
Hit us up with details after your date love to know if you did ok or went all Christian Bale and fugged things up.
Becky? Eh?
Definitely pay on the first couple dates. If she's classy, she will at least go for her wallet. I think at some point she should start offering to pay for things. Drink, movie tickets or invite you over for dinner, which means you're getting closer to "becky."
No flowers or gifts on the first date, especially if it's a setup. Personally, I'm a little creeped out by it if I don't really know you. It shows you're trying too hard.
Becky??! Surely BJ. Oh well, what would I know. I suppose, Mr Cool, if you are a tight-arsed git of a man who never plans on spending much cash on, well, much, you probably shouldn't give a false first impression to this poor girl who doesn't know you yet. If you pay on this your first date, she'll think you are generous. But don't pay now if you don't plan on paying later. That's just mean.
Mike, I gotta argue your roses thought. I absolutely HATE roses. They're cliche. They require no imagination. Sure, some ladies may like them, but I'd be willing to bet that they like the fact that you bought them flowers more than the flowers themselves.
Dudes, maybe get to know a girl and then bring her flowers...a kind you know she'll like (roses or otherwise).
And lastly, I am nowhere near a feminist, although I do believe in equality, and I say if your date doesn't even offer to pay for her half, I'd take a serious thought about her. Yes, insist on paying. But definitely let her pay for the 2nd or 3rd date. She should never take for granted that you're going to pay.
Now, to pose another question, if the guy is responsible for paying if he proposed the date, as the Rod suggested, does that mean the girl is responsible if she asks out the guy? Just checking...
I believe it's whomever asks, pays. No matter the gender, no matter the date.
From my personal experience, I have had only one of the men I've gone out with offered to pick up the check. What was typical was sitting down and as soon as the waitress came, most would as the waitress for separate checks. I was floored when someone went by the "I asked, I pay" thought and bought me dinner. I even had one man show up early, pay for his drink and appetizer ahead of my arrival.
When I ask, I am ready to pay, and have.
I always bring my wallet, always expect to pay half, and would never judge a man harshly for letting me pay. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he told me that he'd start letting me pay my half when the honeymoon period was over. It never ended, he still pays for everything, I'm totally used to it, and he's going to be unloading cash on me for life.
If you're going to expect her to pay later, I think it's best just to play it that way from the beginning. As a man, I'd never want to date a woman who expected me to take care of her, even if I'm now one of those women.
Whoa whoa LaMo, if you're a woman, and you believe in equality, you're a feminist. It's OK, don't run away from the word. Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't like men or won't let them open a door for you, it just means you'd like the option to open it yourself.
And seriously, there are SO many flowers better than roses. Tulips, ranunculus, peonies, lilies, gerber daisies, freesia, gardenia. And on and on.
And I don't have an answer for you on that first date thing. I don't ask men out. (Even though I'm a feminist.)
One time I asked a guy out for a drink of water. He never took me up on it for some strange reason.
June, I see what you're saying. I would have to say that I was using the word feminist in it's generally known "ball-buster" term. Perhaps that was my mistake.
SG, were you gonna pay for your water?
Not enough to invite a guy for a cuppa watta, gotta make it clear it's on you.
"If he wants a blow job he'll pay."
An people say prostitution is bad...
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