Monday, March 30, 2009

The Joys of Online Dating

**Editors' Note: Kate in KC sent this two-part story about her online dating experiences...thank god for the internets.**

You know how certain online dating websites offer you things like “6 months free” if you don’t find the love of your life within the first 6 months of signing up? You know why they do that, right? It’s because anyone who survives 6 months worth of dates off of their website deserves – at LEAST – six months free (if not a gallon of vodka and lobotomy to assist with forgetting what trainwrecks they’ve ended up dating). Overall, though, it sounds like an okay deal – it’s basically a Buy One, Get One deal on free dinner, drinks and (just maybe) Prince Charmings.

I made it one month.

I joined an online dating website with a couple of friends a few years ago after a particularly sad dry stretch of dating…we weren’t meeting any guys that were worth a damn and weren’t entirely sure where to start looking. Why not let the internet look for us?! Genius, we thought! Think of all of the fun dates we’re going to score, we though! The guys who would actually pay the money to sign up on this site must be serious and looking for love, too, we thought! What could go wrong?

Date #1:

While trolling the website one slow afternoon at work, I came across this particular guy’s photography. He was CUUUUUUUTE – we’ll call him Lawyer Boy. After sending a half dozen messages or so back and forth, he asked for my phone number. I’m not going to lie, I was pretty giddy. Here I was, not two weeks into signing up for happily-ever-after.com, I’ve met a smokin’ hot young attorney who’s smart, witty and – have I mentioned? – dreamy. We arrange to go out one night for drinks at a little bar downtown…he picks me up from my apartment and we head out. We belly up to the bar and order a couple of drinks…he asks me about college. I tell him where I went and get about a half of a breath into the rest of my sentence when his head exploded.

“BAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHA! YOU WENT TO K-STATE? THAT IS SO GAY! WHO GOES TO K-STATE?! YOU GUYS SUCK SO HARD! SERIOUSLY, WHAT A BUNCH OF HILLBILLIES! DID YOU RIDE A JOHN DEERE TO CLASS? YUCK YUCK YUCK…”

Umm…what? I, um, no…I didn’t ride a John Deere to class, but thanks for asking? Upon seeing his uproar over my “provincial” college upbringing, I assume that this cosmopolitan young man must have attended NYU or Boston College or someplace SUPER cool. You know, some school set in a “real” city. Oh, no. Not this guy. Where did he go to school

“O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A…OKLAHOOOOMA! THAT’S WHERE! THE BEST GODDAMN SCHOOL IN THE BIG 12 IS WHERE! OU HAS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF K-STATE IN (insert about 45 minutes of mindless screaming/sweating/swearing/statistic spouting about when and how K-State lost random sporting events to OU in the last 75 years…YAWN). K-STATE CAN SUCK IT!”

After rolling my eyes so many times that I fear my eyeballs might get stuck in the back of my head, I choose to remind him that K-State beat OU a couple of years ago by a significant amount in the Big 12 Championship football game (after which OU went on to loose the National Championship…but who still remembers that?). Cue nuclear meltdown:

“Son. Of. A. BITCH!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO THROW THAT BULLSHIT IN MY FACE?! ONE TIME! YOU BASTARDS WIN ONE TIME!! (at this point, I’m waving down the bartender to get our tab while Lawyer Boy’s eyes are threatening to pop out of his head) OKLAHOMA ROCKS!! OU!! OU!! OU!!”

Gentlemen, please…odds are that your lady friend doesn’t really care THAT much about college sports. Odds are even better that your lady friend isn’t at ALL interested in being screamed at about college sports by a relative stranger on a first date.

7 comments:

LaMo said...

I'm assuming that if he's now lawyer that he's been out of Oklahoma for at least long enough to have gone to law school. I wonder what switch it was inside that boy's head that sent him in to such a frenzy over his OLD school. I'm all for school spirit, but there are limits. Screaming to me on the first date might just be one of those limits.

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

The fun part is when you try to explain this to them: that sports conversations are generally guy conversations that you have with guys. And that it would be as weird to talk this way on a first date as it would be for me to expect him to discuss... well, shoes and purses.

Seeker of the 4 S's said...

Wow, that is quite the date. All you needed was for him to show up wearing face paint and brandishing a giant foam finger in your face to set off the rest of the night.

bcb said...

This guy sounds like a Grade-A Tool.

What a douche.

cameronsharpe said...

I am feeling lucky to have come across your blog and read.

Asian Women said...

It’s very much common that on a first date, you may feel the need to make an impact on your girl with stories and interesting things about you. That’s good, but don’t go overboard. Remember a conversation is between two people, not one person talking at another. Make sure you are giving her enough time to equally participate in the conversation. Ask her questions about herself, this will show her that you are interested about her as a person and will give you the opportunity to learn more about her.

Cameron Sharpe said...

All you mentioned are true but sometimes, LOVE is TOO STRONG to control your feelings. You may have reasons to engage yourself into a relationship such as this - having a bf or gf older or younger than you are but the thing is, it's all about the commitment and the chemistry of handling a good relationship. These are natural reasons but there's always a deeper basis once you are in that relationship. Just a thought. Thanks for the blog :)