Friday, March 20, 2009

The Shortest Date of My Life

**Editors' Note: Today's guest post comes in from the 4S's blog. Thanks for the submission!**

My friends set me up on a blind date with whom they promised to be a beautiful intelligent gal last week. After much convincing and elaborate descriptions I finally relented and agreed to make the date. I called her up via the # given to me and had a quick awkward conversation with a lady who we shall call Jane. Jane sounded pleasant on the phone and seemed to be as just nervous as me about the prospect of a blind date.

Unfortunately I was strapped for funds and couldn’t afford to go out, so I suggested that I cook us a nice meal and she bring a bottle of wine for our enjoyment.
The last items in my fridge I could pull together were a pack of pork chops, some potatoes and broccoli. So I spent the 30 mins before she was to arrive preparing dinner thinking rather highly of my self in my domestic skills. Jane arrived, beautiful as described and I was pleased.

The door to my apartment enters into my kitchen so of course the first question out of her mouth was, “what’s cooking?”

“I’m making pork chops, mashed potatoes, and broccoli.” I replied with a grin.

She gave me a funny look and seemed disappointed. Then she said, “I don’t eat pork chops.”

“Why? Don’t you like pork?”

“No, I don’t eat it because of my religion.”

“Ooooh… Sorry, I didn’t realize!” I said franticly trying to figure out how to stave off disaster.

Jane cocked her head and gave me a funny look saying, “You shouldn’t eat pork either.”

Rather suprised at her statement I replied, “But I don’t believe in what you believe in.”

Then to my shock and awe she said something I have never actually uttered other than in jest.

“That’s because you’re a heathen.”

A heathen! She actually called me a heathen. I could not believe it. Folks, I am not a fan of organized religion. I am tolerant of it as long as you aren’t shoving it down my throat, but I don’t subscribe to any brand of it. So in complete shock my automatic response was,

“Well you’re an ignorant bitch.”

To which Jane turned and left the apartment. Luckily she left the bottle of wine behind, because I really needed a drink after that encounter.

All in all it was about a 3 min date that ended with us exchanging verbal blows. I will just have to always remember, never cook pork on a blind date!!!


LaMo said...

To me, that is the quintessential Dating Is Weird story. It's fan-fucking-tastic that she walked in to your home and in less than a minute called you a heathen. Too bad you couldn't get your head to turn a 360 on cue and spew projectile vomit....made up entirely of pork products.

Anonymous said...

This story reminds me of a long ago advertising campaign for the pork industry. It featured a billboard with a couple hugging over chops on a grill with the caption: "Pork. The One You Love."
Oh look, here it is now:

Seeker of the 4 S's said...
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Anonymous said...

that is one of the best DIW stories I've ever read

Seeker of the 4 S's said...

If I could have thought of spewing projectile vomit on the spot I certianly would have made an atempt lol!

Luck be a lady said...
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Luck be a lady said...
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Luck be a lady said...

Not a fan of organized religion.... You're probably a fan of organized governance, organized sports, organized banking systems, and organized restaurants that serve pork products, but of course organized religion is terrible. It's not the religion, it's the people who say stupid things that bring people like you to the wrong conclusions about religion.

And why did your other friend think you'd enjoy a blind date with the religious witch?

Serial Monogamist said...

Heya, Luck, at first I thought your comment was clever, then I was all, wait, is he saying that I should prefer the same kind of relationship with my savings account that have with god? Or the county regisrar's office? Apples? Oranges?

Then I got confused and went and ate a bacon cheeseburger.