Thursday, February 26, 2009

Grand Theft Auto

**Editors' Note: Today's guest post comes in from "Trodo." Who doesn't love a little crime with their dates?**

Around this time last year I broke up with my ex and was on the prowl for something new, exciting and distracting. A friend figured she would be kind and gave my name and number to a friend of hers. I should have known something was not right from the get-go when, instead of calling me, he messaged me on Facebook first. A day or two go by of us exchanging vague, non-specific pleasantries back and forth – him with the intent of wanting to meet up, me with the intent of being polite so he’d take the hint, shut the hell up and leave me alone.

But, as we all know with bad dates they just don’t get the hint. Car Boy eventually worked up the courage to ask me for coffee and I brushed him off with an ‘Oh sorry, too busy with work’ excuse. Then he text messaged me with another ‘Hey lets go for coffee!’ Me: ‘I’m sick.’

Next I get a flurry of determined (stalkerish) messages about how he’d do the nice thing and bring the coffee to me because I am so sick. Yeah, no, I can’t have him doing that so I eventually agree to meet up at a different time later that week.

The planned date time comes and goes and I don’t hear from him. Instead of being relieved, I have to admit I was somewhat curious that he let it drop after all his hard work so I text him.

Three days later he gets back to me. Apparently he was doing some ‘Training for work and blah blah blah blah.’ I hesitantly accept this line, and I agree to go out with him the next night.

Date night comes and he arrives at my place to pick me up. I have to admit he was kind of good-looking in the fierce bald way, but he totally blew it when he matched that look with a Christmas sweater. That had danglies on it. Dangling Christmas dangles—if that isn’t a red flag I don’t know what is. But: Car Boy had a great Jeep.

So I get in the jeep and we (he) decided that instead of going to sit inside a place full of potential witnesses, we’d hit a coffee drive thru and drive around. But despite everything, Car Boy is somewhat of an interesting guy to talk with (minus the fact that all he really did was talk about cars and I could only nod along, give doe eyes and act interested), so it was rather easy.

After a good hour of being parked down near a river that screamed ‘Make out point,’ he decides that he is in fact a horny teenager going to get some action! He puts the moves on me; leaning close, sliding arm around shoulders, puckering up his lips and attempting to look me longingly in the eyes. I wanted to vomit and this conversation followed:

Me: Yeah, time for me to head home.

Car Boy: Oh, okay, well have a good night.

Me: Um…you picked me up?
Car Boy: Yeah, I know.

Me: You’ve got to drive me back home.

Car Boy: Oh, right.

His astuteness astounds and stuns me into silence as he begins to take me home. But then! Instead of taking me home, he goes and picks up his friend instead! Even worse, I get shuffled to the BACK of the jeep for this to happen. I would have gotten out if I knew where exactly we were and found my own ride home but before I thought of that I was trapped in the back seat.

Next, he drives to the opposite end of town from where I live. I’m now a good 40 minutes from home. In the industrial park. With Car Boy and his friend. Trapped in the back seat.

Soon we find ourselves parked outside of a locked, chain link fence that is keeping us out of a darkened parking lot. It was at the point his friend got out of the Jeep, reached into the back (where I’m sitting) to grab a pair of chain cutters that were under the seat, and he goes to the fence. I dig through my purse to find my phone and SOS some help, but it’s dead. Great.

His friend cuts the lock on the fence and pushes the gates open only for us to drive right on through. I just witnessed by first up close and personal B&E. Car Boy jumps out of the vehicle after parking, telling me to wait there.

Five Minutes go by.

Ten Minutes go by.

He finally comes back around the 15-minute mark. He doesn’t come back alone. Nope, he’s bearing gifts! Greasy, oily headlight gifts. Which he promptly dumps in my lap asking, ‘Hey, can you hold this?’ This repeats over and over until the back is littered with car parts. Seriously, car parts. He’s stealing car parts from an auto shop parking lot.

You know what makes this all sweeter? About the fifth time he starts talking about his sexual powers, but he starts talking as if we were in mid conversation about it already. So while he’s stealing vehicles I’m learning he’s got a dick that is just ‘made to tickle the girls the right way.’ Is stealing an aphrodisiac?

Just when I think things can’t get any worse, I hear the sound of an engine start. His friend had hotwired a vehicle and peeled out of the parking lot. Cue for us to leave. We peel out of there and I finally get a ride home. He expects a good night kiss; I stare at him as if he’s grown two heads that each has a dick flopping from his forehead.

Next day at work – extremely paranoid by then – I get a call from my friend. Car Boy and his friend have skipped town. Apparently they had some trouble with the law. My paranoia goes into overdrive and for the next two weeks I refuse to leave the house without giant sunglasses to hide my identity and believe I’m being followed.

I deleted his number from my phone. He still tries to get in touch with me today. But hey, we made it into the newspaper.


Anonymous said...

I assume on the TAGS that you mean "TRODO" is the douchebag, right?

Why else would somebody watch someone get ripped off and do nothing. Even if not at the time, maybe the next day?

Douchebag. Hope next time they're YOUR car parts.

Serial Monogamist said...

Yeah, sorry, Trod. I done geddit. There's sort of a list of things that confound me about this post ... Let's take one: "Car Boy is somewhat of an interesting guy to talk with (minus the fact that all he really did was talk about cars and I could only nod along, give doe eyes and act interested)"

Eh? What the crap is interesting about that? Are the other men you're spending your time talking with actual troglodytes?

TrodoMcCracken said...

Actually Anonymous, I don't have a car and for someone who hasn't been involved in any of this, I was afraid that it was my word against two people who skipped down. It was my mistake, no need to call me a douchebag.

And SM, he was interesting to talk to before he just started to only talk about cars.

Anonymous said...

Um, OK, well, what's the big idea with getting into a car with a big bald dude with a Christmas sweater on (that that's *if* I believe you on that detail ... or any of this story, really) with your phone dead? And why the eff did you sit in the car for 20 minutes while he dug around loading up on car parts?

You know, actually, I'm not 100% sure I care. It seems like you'll have an excuse for all of the above insanity, but I'm guessing it's just as full of crap as the rest of the story.

Brandy Rose said...

Oh Trodo, I would have been the same way. In fact I've been in a similar experience and its a very uncomfortable place to be.

Anonymous said...

PS. First anonymous and second anonymous are NOT the same person.

Just saying'

June said...

Y'all could just create logins so that it's not a load of competing anonymous commenters.

Just sayin.