Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Strictly Business

**Editors' Note: Today's guest post started out as a conversation we had on the phone yesterday with a friend. Quickly realizing he sounded too much like a Craigslist personals ad to not share on DIW, we wrote down what he said.**

So here's how my dating usually goes:

Either I like a woman or she likes me in the romantic way. Rarely is it a two way street. One person feels it much more than the other and it's obvious but not awkward. Or at least, it's not awkward in the we-have-to-have-a-conversation-about-me-having-feelings-for-you sort of way.

It's more like a business negotiation. In fact it usually is. I like to have it over lunch. "Hey, let's talk about us and grab a bite to eat." That way it's no big deal.

You figure out the details like, hey we're going to sleep together from the hours of 12 am and 4 am, we'll call each other typically between 5-8 pm. And outside that, we do our own thing.

But always, always one is secretly wishing it will turn into something more.

So then you sleep together, maybe like 3 times in a row, boom boom boom.

And then you take a break because it gets too serious for one person.

But then you start calling each other again and things return to normal, ie sex, and then you're right back to where you started which is one person wanting more and the other doesn't so then the awkward conversaiton ensues.

I'm done with that crap.

Here's what I'm looking for:

I have good women friends and I value them a lot. I'm not trying to fuck my women friends because that's a horrible idea, so that's why I have to find strange trim instead

So unless my skirt is flipped, i don't want to date you. I want to have sex with you because daminit beating off gets old and sometimes I just want to eat the pie.

That's why I end up seeming like an asshole because I'm like, I'll call you. Between the hours of 12 and 4 am. Sometime in the next three weeks. We already worked that out. In our negotiations. Remember?

So if you're looking for the same, actually just looking for no-strings- attached sex, feel free to drop me a line.

Women who want more need not apply. No seriously do not fucking apply. For really real, just don't.

4 comments:

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

Sounds like this guy needs some bourbon and a hot tub. Soon. I gots both.

Serial Monogamist said...

Seriously. Craigslist. This is what the interwebs was invented for.

tally g. said...

I'm curious how you've gotten any of these 'wants more' women to do the boom boom with you in the first place.

Let me guess (yes, again)-you talked about future plans/dates, you introduced her to a couple of your friends...maybe, even claimed that you wanted to wait to do the boom boom until she was comfortable. Sound familiar?

It's not the women, it's your ad. You haven't written the real one yet.

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

T.G and SM:
YES!
Maybe in the process of typing the ad he would realize that this is a mysterious ritual called "dating" and that he's going be be doing a lot of crying and pleasuring himself.