Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Yes, it's essential that your pet like your partner, and vice versa. I mean, Christ, look at this.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be if my pooch hated The New One. Or if he wasn't patient with her overzealous love of him, or her overzealous protectiveness of me (used to great effect with a creepy drunk bum in the Rite Aid parking lot the other night ... he was asking for change and got a little too close for comfort, like close enough to smell, and all I had to do was crack my car door and the vicious attack dog foaming at the mouth got him to back right on up), or her general state of overzealousness, actually.

But now we've discovered how to use our pets against each other, and hide our own feelings in text messages from our pets, i.e., "Puppy misses u terribly." (Psychoanalyze that one, that's like a twice removal of feelings or something, innit?)

It could get ugly, though, right?

"Well puppy thinks u smell bad."
"Kitty sez puppy's a jerk who p's her pants."
"Hey, puppy only p's her pants when she sees u bc she loves you."

The passive-aggressive potential is delightful ....

"Puppy h8s you and ate the ugly pants u left here."
"Kitty took a shit on the valNtine u made."
"Oh noes! Kitty changed the locks on u!"
"Goldfish wants u to fuck off n die."

What would your pet text?


Jules said...

Kitty sez his balls have more hair than yurs.

Dating Is Weird said...

I once had an ex who liked to express his aggressive feelings in his own words and express his loving feelings from his dogs' point of view. It was weird. Especially in bed.

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

sorry i sneezed and you thought i was hissing and ran away

EFMom said...

Oh, we've been speaking for our pets for years now.
Bola routinely tells Brian she's disappointed in his lack of shampooing. Who knew she'd be so picky? Weirer still is what our 7-month-old comes up with. Daddy, why didn't you make mommy a martini like you said you would?