Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Friend of Mine Recently Lost His Mind

**Editors' Note: Today's guest post comes in from anonymous. But not the same anonymous who wrote about reading his girlfriend's email. We hope.**

At least, that's what I thought when he abandoned a decade-plus relationship with a woman I admire and started playing house with his new, 19-year-old girlfriend.

He's 35. A relatively normal guy. His long-time girlfriend was age-appropriate, lifestyle-appropriate and a good match for him, or so it seemed. Now she's starting over in the love department - a sad state for a woman in her mid-thirties who wants children but doesn't yet have any.

Meanwhile he has a shiny new girlfriend, fresh out of her parents house and still driving her first car.

When I first heard this, I got all hung up on the math: She was 4 years old when I met him; he was in high school when she was born; I have pubes older than she is.

But now, I just worry.

If this man can start over, can ditch his longtime girlfriend in favor of the flower of youth, what's to prevent my husband, or your boyfriend, from doing the same? This guy is not a player, or I never thought he was. But are all guys secretly players, just waiting for the chance to act on it?

11 comments:

Walter said...

No, not all guys are secretely players. To make a move like he did it takes one of two things (or both). Either he was very unhappy with his 30 year relationship (and may have hid that unhappiness) and was looking for an out for a while, then found this. Or, an dmore likely, he's just kind of a douche bag. Like, that's pretty obviously an asshole move in all regards (ditching the significant other of 10 years, dating a woman so young) and to do something that shitty you're either in a bad situation (the unhappy explanation) or your just not that great a guy (the second). Or both.

Pearl2Lotus said...

I say it's not so much the age difference. A 40 and 56 y/o is reasonable, even a 30 and 46 y/o. Hell, perhaps 25 and 41. No. What makes this super lame (aside from the part that he dumped your friend) is that the girl is 19. I'm sorry, but that's a big maturity difference. Any 35 y/o person--male or female--who dates a 19 y/o likely has self-confidence and identity issues, regardless of the front he/she puts on. Any idea how much maturing takes place just between 19 and 29? Hopefully a lot. Dude is looking for a girl with a hot body and an unformed sense of self who won't challenge him. Whatever. The ex-girlfriend is better off w/o him.

Serial Monogamist said...

The thing that sucks is that it's a helluva lot easier for men to find partners as they age, because women are attracted to older men. Older men then have young women and women their own age to choose from. Older women don't have the same luxury. If you're an older woman and you look at a younger man, you get tagged a cougar and the boys all run for the hills.

Which is not smart. Because cougars can teach you things, boys, that those younger girls don't know.

Pearl2Lotus said...

True that, SM. Sometimes there's a tradeoff. A smooth young body in bed surely feels nice. But then--the "cougar" (not sure at what age that kicks in) likely knows A LOT more really snappy tricks in the sack. Or out of the sack. And has the confidence to use every trick at her disposal.

Serial Monogamist said...

Ha! "Snappy"! Good one. See George Carlin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hzxAWuW-8Y

"Slightly Disheveled" said...

The older guys I have dated were all so feeble-minded and childish that I actually dread dating anyone younger than I am for fear I will have to spell things out for them. After I wrote that I purposely flirted with a guy a good 10 years younger than I am for good measure. They have no idea I am how old I am. Aaahhhh, keep the assy in hypocrisy!!!

Pearl2Lotus said...

Haha @ Carlin.

Snappin' snappiness.

S.G.Loughlin said...

I'm dating an older fellow. He didn't leave anyone for me, so perhaps it's a bit less repugnant. Though, he's 13.5 years my senior, which is 2.5 less than the people in this story. After a point, does it matter?

I say maturity matters more. And sorry 19 year olds, but there's no amount of maturity that can make up for an extra decade of experience. Then again, my boyfriend was smoking pot and listening to AC/DC when I was born.

Serial Monogamist said...

OK, SGL, I'm also dating an older one (only 9 years), and while I'll say unabashedly that I'm never going back, because older guys are awesome, I sort of feel bad for older single women. Like we're hogging all these awesome men, and what does that leave single women a decade older than me? Even older guys? Men already die first, if we're all swapping up on this dating chain, what becomes of the old, old ladies who need some nookie?

Cainmutiny said...

While dating a younger woman is certainly an attractive option for obvious reasons; it is also equally unattractive as soon as they generally open their mouth. I would agree that a guy who does decide to date a 19yr old must have some underlying self-confidence/conscious issues; and a relationship with god sex and meaningless conversation is what he is looking forward to after a long day at the office. That or as Walter indicated.....he's a total douchebag.

The antithesis, in dating an older lady has recently become more common and generally more publicly accepted. Apparently, this may eventually lead men to going out to a bar without having to buy a single drink....true equality and liberation I say. The problem with dating an older woman is knowing full well there generally will be some attached baggage (kids, ex-husband, miscellaneous issues) and that should you actually decide to live the rest of your life with them it will be a childless and premature experation date than if you chose one of her younger cohorts.

So like everything else in life its a matter of deciding whats' for you....

Jayhoo said...

I think the assumption running through this thread that a 19yo woman has less ego formation and strength of identity than an older woman can be seriously mistaken. And then why is a bunch of ego and identity bullshit a plus anyway? I've known plenty of women in their late thirties who look like they have "strong" self identity but it turns out to be layers and layers of compensation for stuff that never healed. Many of us, instead of healing, try and form strong identities and egos...on a foundation of pain and insecurity. Which could be the dude in this case...but...